Liked this chapter a lot more! You got a lot more in and didn't speed through it nearly as fast as you probably would before. Looks like today was just a recap & an update for Zidane if anything. Glad to see the guy is safe.
It seems like at times his character's speech tends to fluctuate between proper & improper at times. I know at times he needs to be serious but I feel like sometimes all of your characters do this. Just maybe something to think about?
Good chapter! Hope to see the next one up soon. Good luck with College too, I know it's hard going back to the flow of things after a week of pure lethargy... or maybe that's just me... (:
Just started reading this story a few days ago, reading a few chapters in between breaks at work. Consider me a regular reader!
I've actually got a lot to say, but I'll just jump right down to the more reoccurring things I found myself thinking about!
I honestly don't mind the 'darkness' of the story at all, however your story at the moment is rated K, for all ages, so for some people it actually could be considered too dark. (Example, a 12 year old reading about a rape scene could be a bit uneasy for them and potentially send red flags to moderators) - So maybe that's something you could look into just for future reader's sake (:
I love your use of words & find myself very engulfed in conversations, however at times you're also very brief and tend to want to move along to another event and/or action. I wonder if you write this as if you're actually watching someone play a game (or maybe watching a movie) and not addressing it as a story/book. I only say this because we have to read it as such, so it tends to feel almost too fast. I think what I'm trying to say is... try not to speed through what you're writing, let us be aware of the little things going off to the side, or what feelings are being felt for each character.
Also, in some of the past chapters I had the tendency to read over the author notes at the beginning because you told us who was going to make an appearance in the chapter. After reading a few of the reviews I think the reason you did this was to appease your reviewers. I like the anticipation of reading up on other characters instead of just knowing that they're going to show up at some point in the chapter. As readers we need to be patient in your story development, so when these characters come into play is all in your control, don't make it in theirs.
Another thing you tended to do in past chapters was explain at the very end of a chapter why so-and-so did something the way they did at some point in the text. The way you wrote them out made me wish you had just simply incorporated that into the actual story itself. This pretty much just follows up what I was telling you earlier in trying to make us understand the character's feelings at the time instead of just having them explain it through speech themselves. I don't think you've done it in recent chapters though, but I thought I'd leave that bit of feedback.
Your transition in time also seems to make it feel like you yourself are addressing your audience. Instead of saying, "Two hours later," maybe something like, "After a few hours pass the gang reached their desired destination unscathed, tired and ready for rest." (As an example of course) - Maybe try and manipulate the text to your liking. I've also just double/triple paragraphed my spacings down to indicate that we are now switching gears a bit, or that some time had passed. Many books do this as well.
Those are just a few things I felt like pointing out from my own personal view. I don't expect you to take them to heart, just know that they are actual things that I've been guilty of myself; This is simply an opinion from one person. The story is very good just the way it is, and I hope you continue on with it till the very end. I myself am trying to get back into the groove of writing and decided to read up on some FanFiction myself. I know you're paranoid about some of the typos throughout the story, but know that they really aren't a big deal. If you're really paranoid about it I'd be more than willing to beta read & fix some of them if you need a fresh pair of eyes & some honest feed back. I know the stresses of daily demands can be tough at times when all you want to do is just sit down to some music and enjoy a good writing of a chapter or two.
Keep up the good work though! I myself am hoping to see a bit more romance throughout the story but I'm all for the darkest parts of the story as well (I have to say, wasn't anticipating the rape scene, but I love twisted evil characters, so maybe that's why I'm all for the darkness?) - If you're interested in someone fixing the typos (or maybe just want to chat up about writing or the story itself) feel free to PM me or email me () and I'd be more than willing to help out. If not, I'll be waiting for an update soon! (:
P.S. - Forgive any typos or run-on sentences that may not make sense. I'm afraid I'm fresh off work from the graveyard shift & am ready to go pass out on my bed for a few hours. _
AnD 4/3/12 . chapter 29
oh, waw... It has been 2 month I don't read this story..
and now it seems it going to the dark way.. (I don't really know, since I just fast read last chapter)
I think your story is too dark..
'personally', I want some happy scene in your story 2-3 chapter and you can going to dark again for 4-5 chapter, and back to happy scene again ..
and I think your pace is kinda slow
Well, I really hope you can add some happy scene in your story
(because I read your story before I sleep, I'm afraid it will come in my dream if its too dark, so maybe I will not read your story for next 2 chapter)
I'm very sorry if my comment is too offensive, but I really like your story (at least the earlier chapter)
AnD 4/3/12 . chapter 29
oh, waw... It has been 2 month I don't read this story..
and now it seems it going to the dark way.. (I don't really know, since I just read last chapter)
I think your story is too dark..
'personally', I want some happy scene in your story 2-3 chapter and you can going to dark again for 4-5 chapter, and back to happy scene again ..
and I think your pace is slow
I hope you can add saome happy scene in your story
(because I read your story before I sleep, I afraid it will come in my dream if its too dark, so maybe I will not read your story for next 2 chapter)
I'm very sorry if my comment is too offensive, but I really like your story (at least the earlier chapter)
leebadee 2/17/12 . chapter 20
Absolutely loving this, wish I could be playing this story as the video game, makes me want this to be made into final fantasy IX-2 :D
AnD 1/26/12 . chapter 18
well, this chapter is good..
(still waiting for next chapter)
AnD 1/23/12 . chapter 17
Did'nt you say in the last chapter that the 'Lord Randle' guy who will appear?
But then why now it was Garland who re-appear?
But then.. I think this story more interesting this way.. maybe you can make colaboration of Garland and the 'Lord Randle' guy to make another war..
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