Hope you're gonna write more. I love this one :))

This story definately has potential. I do agree that if could be even better if you just had someone read it over first though. Overall, good job :)

You story is pretty good so far. I would recommend getting someone to BETA it. A few spelling mistakes and such. It's a good start, you just need to work on arranging things a little better. For example, the first 3 sentences could be one paragraph.

I like that you are trying to describe things, they could be placed a bit better within your sentences/paragraphs. Some things can be skipped over, you don't have to describe everything, especially if you audience already knows what the character looks like.

Overall not a bad start. Just work on tightening your work up and making sure you catch your mistakes, and have someone else look over it, you don't always see your own mistakes.

I think if you put a little more time into it, and check out other authors stories to see how they work, you'll get an idea of what I'm trying to help you out with :)

i really like this story :)

sounds like this will be a good story, please update soon (: