|Reviews for The Shadow Snivy|
| SunnySummer77 5/17/13 . chapter 8
Epic fail! My bad, that last review was meant for your other story :o...but this one is great too! I love the plot and characters emotions, well written :)
| SunnySummer77 5/17/13 . chapter 9
:) I liked this chapter! Great job, I really liked the chapter! I can't w as it for rhe next one, I like bolt and inferno! Keep going and until next time... :)
| LifeofLove 4/27/13 . chapter 1
Hmmm...interesting. I thought I'd look at one of your stories, and this one is very interesting.
| Guest 3/26/13 . chapter 8
Please I'm begging you! MORE CHAPTERS PLEASE.!
| odst lucas 3/7/13 . chapter 8
You said cris 2 times
| Ambertwo Fuji 2/17/13 . chapter 8
Ello bro. Guess who this issssss? XD. Anyway, I still love you story. Well, ALL your stories. You're gonna continue 'em, yes?
| Guest 1/23/13 . chapter 8
great story keep on writing
| Pi-Pikachu 12/31/12 . chapter 8
Well, I think you're doing a great job so far, Shadow. I love reading your stories. They're fun to read and are awesome. You're a good writer, even if you do make a few mistakes. We all do. XD. Anyway, keep up the great work!
| volt thehedgehog 8/8/12 . chapter 1
shadow snivy should be a event pokemon
how does a non-ledendary pokemon know zekrom's fusion bolt?
| Chethekid7 7/26/12 . chapter 6
After all this... why does this exist? Your spelling... scratch that... your grammar need improvement. I note that the chapter name is "Theif" not "Thief", just think of this, when you do your tests about language, do you use chatspeak or do you use your standard dialect of English with the correct grammar and spelling?
Also I noticed from this story that your characters are Mary Sues. Like I do, you could have used a Mary Sue Litmus Test to possibly determine if whenever or not that character if they are Mary Sues or not.
| Miyuki Frostleaf 5/2/12 . chapter 7
This is extremely interesting to read... I love your idea about regular Pokemon having powers of all 17 Pokemon Types, that is something I haven't seen at all. I hope Zeke gets saved... Is what Shadow said the correct word...? Please update soon this is extremely interesting to read!
| Neoshadowwolf 4/27/12 . chapter 3
Chapter 3 -
"Meanwhile, back at the den…" There is no need for this subtitle when you directly clarified in the text that it takes place in the den.
"It looked around the area, seeing the splattered berries on the floor from the earlier accident." When did this happen? What earlier accident?
Why did Shadow keep a picture of himself just lying around? How did he even acquire it?
Okay, this whole Combee scene is a mess. The two Snivys knocked down a "wall", not a hive or nest; Zeke for some reason attacked his own comrade to deliver an apple to an injured Combee, who at this point would be established as an enemy; the Combee has a human name and introduced herself in the middle of a FIGHT and then she ran away (and for some reason, this made Zeke cry according to Shadow who apparently has psychic abilities)… this whole scene doesn't make any sense. It doesn't follow any logical flow and it is like mashing two scenes together to create one rushed scene.
This is not a good moment to introduce a new character. You're in a FIGHT, so focus on the fight. Don't have one of your main characters do something stupid to save some character he doesn't even know yet.
I skimmed through the rest… and you have WAY TOO MANY short sentences. You really need to combine these to larger sentences. Readers hate frequent pauses. They interrupt the story to the point where the person stops reading. I didn't even bother with how the fight turned out.
And really… the Snivy mentioned earlier that he had NO FRIENDS and then suddenly he says he is friends with a Suicune. You need to follow continuity. And really, being friends with a legendary? Another Mary Sue trait.
So Emily is not even part of the Combee group and Zeke just happens to know she's a "good guy"? That is quite a coincidence.
I'd say this is the worst chapter I've read so far. The events connecting with each other are sloppy, there are events or plot points not mentioned earlier that just came out of nowhere and the logic here doesn't make sense. The whole battle scene itself needs a complete do-over. If you want to introduce a new character, you ought to do it AFTER the battle. That way, you don't have the readers looking at two scenes going on at once. If she was pursued by the swarm though, more power to you: but save introductions for after the battle and just have your characters fight the swarm off.
Hate to sound like a broken record but the character Shadow needs to be revamped. His battle ability is something not to go unnoticed. Why and how is a grass-type able to suddenly conjure up Flamethrower? It doesn't even logically make any sense. And for someone who knows Draco Meteor, he sure gets beaten easily by a bunch of bees. And speaking of which, I just noticed something. It is not possible for a Combee to learn Protect or Detect.
| Neoshadowwolf 4/27/12 . chapter 2
Chapter 2 -
Okay, this is what Chapter 1 should have been instead. It started off in the middle of action, which to be honest doesn't look bad. I have a couple of questions though: why does a Pokémon, a Snivy no less, own a raincoat, a jacket and a sleeping bag? Isn't he a grass-type Pokémon, therefore likes rain? And what does he need a jacket and a sleeping bag for? Why is he using human accessories?
"I'm just guessing, since I've never heard another yelp like this, but I think it was another Snivy." This sentence doesn't need to exist. It could just start with a yelp and we'll "see" it's a Snivy in the basket later. And how does he even know that the cry belonged to a Snivy, even though it was implied he has not been around one? Oh, and also get rid of, "Now I knew it was another Snivy." Doesn't need to be around.
"I didn't realize till a few seconds later that he was telling me what he wanted his name to be." How did he just figure that the infant wanted to be called Zeke? There is no buildup to it. Just intuition I guess?
"It was weird for a Pokemon to have a human name, but it was unique." You have a Snivy for a main character who acts like a human and owns accessories used by humans. There are even Pokémon who sent him the basket who could write and somehow acquire more human accessories. A human name is weird at this point?
"Later I remembered that I had to travel to White Forest. I just took him with me. The next morning we got up and took off!" This seems like an awfully rushed conclusion. Okay… so the baby was so distracting that he forgot he was headed to White Forest? And if he decided to stay at home for the night, why not fill us in what's going on? "The next morning we got up and took off!" is very generalized. Here is one suggestion on how you can replace these sentences:
Perhaps I should stay the night for now, I thought to myself. White Forest would have to wait. On that note, I watched "Zeke" as he was trying to get comfortable. It didn't take long until his half-shut eyes drooped down. With a long, squeaky yawn, he curled up on the ground and fell soundly asleep. With no worries left, I shut my eyes and waited for morning light…
Do you notice something different about this? It's slower and it ties up loose ends for this chapter. Note how I went into a little bit of detail to show how the characters behave. This is a suggestion though so you don't have to use it.
This chapter isn't as bad as Chapter one but it still needs some work. At the very least, it shows us what is happening rather than telling so that is good. With some more effort put in, I think you can establish a relationship between Shadow and Zeke to make your characters a bit more interesting. Some of your grammar and sentence structures are messy so I listed revisions below.
2. A Travling Partner 2. A Traveling Partner
I saw the tent neatly folded, so was the maps, the berries were put into the upper right corner of the basket, and even an extra blanket at the bottom, but there was no, "surprise". I saw that the tent and the maps were neatly folded, while the berries were sorted into the upper right corner of the basket. There was even an extra blanket sitting at the bottom of the basket, but there was no "something" as the letter had spoken of.
I don't care though. I didn't care though. (Note: stick with the past tense.)
a few grass gummi's - a few grass gummis (Note: 's is only used for possessive, to indicate something belongs to someone; it is also used as a contraction for Noun is)
I unlocked the latch and saw a baby Snivy, and weirder yet, it looked just like me! Purple and black. The snivy jumped out. The snivy was scared and started to shiver. The snivy started to run away but accidently ran into the wall of the den! It looked like it hurt, but, it was pretty funny. The Snivy got back up and turned around. He looked me in the eye with a serious expression. I unlocked the latch and saw a tiny purple and black creature. It was a Snivy and he looked just like me! Before I had time to react, the little snake jumped out of the basket and started to shiver. With one look into his eyes, I could tell he was frightened. He suddenly ran off until he ran straight into a wall of my den. Ouch! But then he got back on his feet and turned towards me with a serious expression. (Note: You are starting and ending way too many sentences here and you are using "the snivy" too many times. Try to combine sentences and change the words up a bit, so that it flows better and feels more "fresh".)
We been standing there for a few moments before the Snivy smiled and ran up and hugged me. We had been standing here for a few moments before the Snivy suddenly smiled and ran up to me, giving me a hug.
I tried to push him away, but he was hugging too tight. I tried to push him away but he was hugging too tightly.
I knew I couldn't leave him here, and nobody won't know how to raise a Snivy except another Snivy or a snivy evolution, so I kept him. - I knew I couldn't leave him here, and nobody would know how to raise a Snivy except by another one of his own. So I thought to myself, maybe I should keep him.
I didn't realize till a few seconds later that he was telling me what he wanted his name to be. I didn't realize, until a few seconds had passed, that he was telling me what he wanted his name to be.
| Neoshadowwolf 4/27/12 . chapter 1
Alright. I'll follow your request but don't expect me to be lenient. Trust me, I think we're in for a long review…
Chapter 1 -
First, the way chapter one is written. It's a common mistake but it's generally not a good idea to describe your character as if you are writing an essay and simply recap the events that happened. Have you heard of the phrase "show, don't tell"? Half of this chapter is "telling", until you reach the third paragraph which does a little "showing".
The intro: "Hi. I'm not just any ordinary snivy." Okay… this is not how you do an intro to a fictional story. This is a common thing that schools taught younger grade-schoolers in order to learn how to write. You're way past that stage now, so we are going to eliminate this habit of ever using this, "Hi, my name is…" intro. Read the first few pages of any novel and think about it: a story often starts with a character in the middle of some action or it starts with the story's current setting. Try to imitate that. Maybe describe where the Snivy is at first.
Next, the Shadow character… um no. This is a Mary Sue. A "Mary Sue" is a fictional character who seems to have way too many positive traits (including ones deemed impossible); in other words, the type of character that is too unreal to believe in. As much as any of us would like to idealize our characters, readers will not take your story seriously if you have a character with too many positive traits. It kills the point of having a story in the first place and the readers know that the character will always win in a conflict without even reading. This is a list of traits written here that are considered "Mary Sue" traits:
• The Snivy is a different color for no particular reason
• Orphaned (but raised by a group of a unique species)
• Knowing moves that are technically IMPOSSIBLE for a Snivy to learn; Flamethrower, Bug Buzz, Fusion Bolt, Draco Meteor, Surf, etc.
• Named "Shadow" (it's not a clever name for a black-colored creature either)
• Acts and behaves more like a human than a Pokémon for some reason
• Hated by the "normies" because he's "different"
Yes, Mary Sue characters are all too common in fanfiction. Some people are too stubborn to not change one thing about their character, which is practically their loss. EVERYONE who approaches a story seriously does NOT want to read about a Mary Sue. What you can do to get rid of some of the traits is have "Shadow" act more like a Pokémon; in other words, not have him be able to read and don't have other Pokémon knowing how humans work either. And yes, I DO question how the other Pokémon were somehow able to acquire all that stuff and even know how to write! It's too ridiculous to dismiss as something as a plot point to be explained later. And why would they just help him? No one is going to antagonize him? And also… don't be throwing in random moves for the Snivy. It's perfectly acceptable if the Snivy knows moves from HIS species only. He also doesn't need to be hated by all these Pokémon. Why do they even hate him? Just because he is a different color?
Last, I will comment on tenses. You know how present and past tenses for verbs work, right? Well, you keep mixing up the tenses here. A novel usually sticks to just one tense (you are generally only allowed to change tenses during character dialogue, character thoughts or letters). The most common and easiest tense to use in the story is the past tense; meaning almost ALL verbs usually end with the suffix -ed. There are some exceptions: "Do" becomes "Did". "Make" becomes "Made". You get the idea.
Anyways, Chapter 1 is not really a good start as you can see. It is time you break these writing habits and instill new ones in. Allow me to present you the three fundamental concepts of writing any fictional story: Plot, Character and Setting.
Plot is your main story; what is going on in the story, what is the point of it, why does it happen, how does it happen, etc. What is the plot of all main Pokémon games? To fill the Pokédex for the regional professor; to challenge eight gyms, defeat the gym leaders and collect their badges so you may enter the Pokémon League; to combat this evil organization and put a stop to its plans. Yours, as clarified in Chapter 1, is for the Snivy to be with his own kind at some faraway location. To be honest, it is not really an exciting plot but at least it does have some direction.
Character is self-explanatory. Who are your characters? Well, the only definable one you have now is "Shadow". First off, a character is not most defined by his/her appearance. Appearance should be the LAST thing to worry about when introducing a character. The characters need to have a personality; a certain way he/she behaves towards other people, places, things or ideas. Personality comes before appearance, not the other way around… or else no one will be interested in your character. I can't really say "Shadow" has any definable personality in Chapter 1. Since you are writing in the first-person point-of-view (using "I" and "me"), it should be easier to show the personality since you are writing the character's "thoughts". Is he a shy individual? Is he friendly? Does he hold grudges? Does he hate cloudy days? What does he think of the other Pokémon? What does he think of humans? These are examples that contribute to building a character's personality. All of this is more important than any appearance.
Setting is when and where the story takes place. Whenever your characters "change locations", you always have to go through the liberty of describing the location for us. Imagine the confusion of readers when they thought your characters are at some forest and suddenly in the next few paragraphs, there's lava for some reason. Just an example. As far as your own setting goes… it's sort of there but not in its entirety. You mentioned the Snivy lives in Eterna Forest in Sinnoh. Okay… can you tell us what the forest looks like? It's not enough to just say there is a river somewhere and the Snivy lives inside a little den of logs. Maybe tell us what the time of the day is or the weather. Is it a sunny day out or is it about to rain? Is it morning or is it approaching dusk? How large are the forest's trees… if it has any trees at all? Are there colorful flowers there? Is there anything… strange about it (like maybe that Old Chateau)? Can you tell us what the Pokémon look like? What does the Snivy's home look like from the inside? This is all important to describe your setting. By using imagery, you can help "paint a picture" for us to see what is going on and what kind of world this Snivy lives in.
And this is all for just Chapter one. I'll read more but expect to be taking notes.
| Last Warrior 7 4/20/12 . chapter 6
alright first off, you seem to have gotten the idea of how long chapters are supposed to be. THe first few were way too short. you did an okay job on showing how he found the secret passageway, but it still felt a little stale.
"the new furry, light brown, and pup of a traveler." ? what are you trying to say here? I get that you are describing Ratchel but read this out loud.
"Not you Zeke, him." Now this was good, when the speaker is addressing someone else like that. I was actually surprised for once, good job
"It's too early, you will find out later in your life," Now that made me laugh because he will find out later in the most confusing way possible, thats just how stories go, tough luck Zeke.
Suprise, its a Zorua, great twist, now let me get my shotgun...
(Zorua used Shadow Ball, its super effective. Last Warrior 7 used Shotgun blast, its a one hit KO!")
errr, I'm getting off topic...
ANyway, I have to say Exellent jo taking everything into account and changing it with the sudden appearence of the tricters, I never expected him to be in all those places, especially not Emily.
After that though the chapter was hard to understand and confusing, so could you clearif it for me, none of it made sense. Anyways, you seem to be getting it, the difference between the first chapter and this one is enormous.