|Reviews for After the Daze|
| AmberLynd 4/2/13 . chapter 8
Just found this story, it was so awesome, u spot on reading my feeling about Dawn n Julia, don't mean to be pervy but whenever Amber Heard n Lyndsy Fonseca on screen together, their chemistry r so electric lol. Please continue more, hopefully more focus on these two.
| DefyTheRules 2/28/13 . chapter 8
Awesome chapter! Im so glad you updated! More soon please.
| TrustMeImAnEngineer 11/21/12 . chapter 7
Yep, another captivating chapter,
hope that Stacey will get closure at Pete's and will confront Julia and Dylan. Stupid cheaters!
Anyways, am really looking forward to where you're going with them/us :)
| FranceyPants 11/4/12 . chapter 6
Truly... Seriously, please continue this story. I really liked this movie and never thought there was any closure. This is a good way to do it! I really like how you've stuck to the characters and even developed them a bit more. Please keep writing! :)
| Chiwowwow2 10/19/12 . chapter 6
Hope you haven't given up on this fic. :)
| TrustMeImAnEngineer 8/28/12 . chapter 6
wow, this is great, I loved the characters in the film. And I like that there's someone like you, who's willing to expand their story.
I love it, keep up the good work :)
| DefyTheRules 8/16/12 . chapter 6
I'm so glad you updated again! I just treat he's the movie, and I gotta say it made me love this even more. Please keep updating!
| Guest 8/11/12 . chapter 4
all these are great, i want more! i loved the movie but it never really had closure, this is perfect, thanks (:
| gf 3/30/12 . chapter 4
wow i'm so happy that you updated so fast.
like how you expand the story. the persons all seem pretty much in character.
| gf 3/28/12 . chapter 2
hi, i'm so happy that finally someone wrote a fic about this movie. I loved the movie and always hoped someone would write a fic about it on fanfic.
So anyways, thank you for this story. Please, you have to continue this story. I loved it. Hopefully, there is more to come. :)
| katsky5 2/21/12 . chapter 2
i really like the story.
are you going to incorporate some of the other characters into it?
anyway great story and i really hope you continue it
| Gemini Explorer 2/2/12 . chapter 1
Some good news first. You can do plausible dialogue, which is often difficult for new writers. Your characters emerge pretty well in this limited space. They are already taking on shape and personality. (I haven't seen the movie, but any novel has to reveal its characters this way. So do fics, except that if they are from a show, the readers expect them to be a certain way.)
I liked that you identified the Jeep and remembered to capitalize, "Jeep", which is a proper name. You could have added the model of Jeep, like Grand Cherokee, Wrangler, etc.. Just "Jeep" infers one resembling the original military vehicle. And I think that fits this girl.
I liked the way she "sneaked" (not snuck; change that) into her home, avoiding her parents, but they are probably worried sick about her. They may submit a missing person report.
Don't know why Stacey was in Julia's bed. Might be good to know. Explain that in the next chapter, for those who don't know Stacey and her role in this. Is she lesbian? Just a close friend of the sister? (I know this is different for girls.)
The bad stuff: You need to distinguish between "a" and "an", even in your profile! Proofread at least three times. I sometimes catch things that I miswrote years before. No writer is immune from that, or from your need to learn to use commas better. Read each sentence carefully, looking for where a comma will make something more clear.
Where Pete was slumped over and his head hurt, say that "He" was hurting, not just the head. Pete isn't just his head, in this useage.
"Grammar" is spelled that way, not as "Grammer." See the one letter difference?
Typo: "Pete's eyes remainED tired and dreary." Note the "ed" that I added. An easy fix...
"It's over, Pete." needs the comma that I used. Another easy editing fix.
"Driveway" is just one word, not "drive way."
Otherwise, just read critically, looking for comma and semicolon errors.
In all, if you pay more attention to spelling and punctuation, I think you have real potential to be an author. I liked the way the characters and situations came over. I could figure out who was what and their natures, not having seen the movie. I know that Pete is a desperate loser, and that Julia has to admit it and move on. I know that Julia lives with her parents and has a sister, who has a friend close enough to sleep with her. I know that Julia is so self-centered that she bypassed her worried parents to hide out in her room. (A great many teens will do that, rather than get a lecture or get grounded.)
Watch the spelling and grammar, and you're good to go. And let us know the color and model of the Jeep when it fits the story. I think you were right to just say "Jeep" at this point. The color and model would be clutter in that particular scene. Later, the color of her vehicle will help to reveal Julia's nature, if she chose the color. (Sometimes, people buy a color they don't like to get a cheaper price.)
And, what do Julia (and the other chicks) wear to bed? That tells us about them, and lets male readers get a peek to intrigue us. Never forget: guys like more specific sex stuff than most girls do. And we like looking at chicks. So tell us what they wear, how they move, etc. How they use their eyes to flirt or make other gestures. Don't go for overkill, but keep that in mind. Remember that even when a girl stretches and tightens her tee shirt with her boobs, guys will lock onto that and rejoice. (Happy Face Smilie here.)
Does a girl wear shorts and sandals? Jeans and sweatshirt or a tee? Sneakers or boat shoes? Colors? Length of skirts and shorts? Earrings? I like the gold loop sort, as you'll see if you ever read my, "The Lost World" fics. But even varying the size of the loops helps to define the girl wearing them, or the occasion.
I hope this helps. And I really do think that if you use more care in basic language and punctuation, you are going to do well in writing. Try to read novels and see how the authors punctuate. You did double-space between paragraphs. I've seen some fic writers who didn't even know to do that! And you didn't make the classic "to, too, two" errors...yet, anyway. (Another Happy Smilie here.)
This was basically well done of you. Not bad at all, for a first effort.