|Reviews for Rebellious Felines|
| cctrix xxx 3/31/13 . chapter 1
I love it!
| Jayrae22 3/9/13 . chapter 12
:) lové it almost as much as i lové you XD
| The Red King 3/2/13 . chapter 5
1) When is the story? Is it during mid-evil times? Now? An alternate reality? Where is it? Is it in a foreign country? Here? Where?
This is important for the reader because it establishes the setting/ world in which the characters in your story reside in. If I as a reader don't know "where" this is taking place or "when" it is taking place then I'll have trouble relating with the world around the characters or believing that the characters can even exist in this world.
There is major confusion here. The story fails to inform the reader where the characters (are they in america? or some alternate reality? A world/kingdom of your own imagination?) are and when this story takes place (time frame: 1990's or 2013? or whatever?). Yet there are strange references sprinkled throughout the story that hint certain time frames or reference current time frames but are never clarified (e.g why would there be a "gym" in the mid-evil times where the author has referred to characters sleeping on "straw" beds?).
Characters: Are Mary Sues. (two dimensional characters with no personality, flaws, motives or goals)Give them flaws ASAP. Demetri's flaw could have been that he looked/sounded like a girl until its later revealed she is one. Also she would still have flaws (such as knobby knees, flat chest etc.) Same with Selena give her flaws. YES. she has them. Like shes secretly a tomboy who hates all the dressing up and etc. and doesn't want to be married off to a guy but to choose her own partner. Or she chews really loud with her mouth open...something to make her human. Also look at the character traits of the two and figure out how they would compliment/ attract to each other. Quite/shy personalities sometimes attract loud/confident personalities... etc.
Plot: slightly developed. I still don't know "why" Demi is posing as a boy and the explanation given makes no sense with the story or the time period you hint it may take place in. As for the romance between Demi and Selena...that could have been developed WAAYY better. "Gay rights" in a mid evil setting?
And do research. I can tell by just reading this story wasn't planned out or thought through. (Not just by the obvious issues but the chapter length as well. Editing would have easily fused chapters together to increase the length since right now the story seems choppy due to short chapter length).
2) Fix conflicts. Selena seems a little to compliant when it comes to this scenario. Why would any girl "like" their parents to choose their partner or marry them off? They wouldn't! They would rebel, try to outsmart them or run away...unless given a solid reason to accept the circumstance (e.g. country at war, hard times/famine and must marry someone from another wealthy kingdom to keep their territory running). Her rebellion could be used as an excellent plot device to lead her to Demi (yet it wasn't used at all).
And why would Demi or Selena simply accept their attraction toward one another? Make them have inner conflicts! Have them trying to
ignore the attraction at first or shamelessly teasing each other to cause tension.
3) "Toned abs...soft pink cherry lips..."
Humans in real life are not perfect. As I stated above they have flaws. Yes this is fiction, but there has to be some form of belivability in this
for the reader to relate to the story. If both characters have perfectly slim trim, toned figures with soft lips its unbelievable. What is believable?
"She had a thin awkward frame and was taller than most girls her age." (This is alot better. She isn't "toned" unless she does something to
get that way. Since there are NO gyms or they weren't called that during med evil times you have to explain why she would be toned in the
first place. Does she secretly practice with the sword? Does she long to fight battles?)
| The Red King 3/2/13 . chapter 4
I like the story so far and the idea of it is interesting but I would have found it so much more amazing if you didn't do the whole telling me whose POV (let me guess based on dialogue, actions, and how characters react to the person...please don't treat the reader like a moron...). I think the story would have been even better if both the reader and Selena didn't know "Demetri" was actually a girl until later on. I would have loved it if she were introduced as a guy with girlish features and mannerisms. Or if you had dropped subtle "hints" and clues for both the reader and Selena to figure out. But then again that's just me.
My only critique for this chapter would be to be very careful when writing to keep facts in story that you stated consistent. You mentioned before that Selena was "taller" than Demi but in this sentence you make it sound like she's shorter:
" I stroked her hair as she looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes and smiled."
Now this could be because Demi is dreaming but you have to clarify that...Selena wouldn't "look up" at someone who is shorter than her unless she is sitting, bending or doing something which lowers her height.
Next: "As I sat on my hay bed—two sizes larger than the average beds.."
Try queen size, king size or something to that affect. This description could be better. Why is it wrong? Well the "world" in which your painting for us is slightly different and more centered in mid evil times right? So research what "royalty" would sleep on. Is it cotton? Wool? And how do we the reader know what the "average" sized bed in your world is if it isn't in our current time frame? (you never mentioned which time frame so we the reader are left to assume things..)
Next is the characters...they start to border Mary Sues...give them flaws...humans have flaws...and I like the dream sequence and the fact that both of them had a similar dream like connection...that was nice...
1 more thing: Chapters...too short. Start combining chapters or something please...
| Demenaforever13 2/1/13 . chapter 12
I just found this and it is really good. I wish you would post or something.
| samaramorgane 1/28/13 . chapter 12
I like this storie!I understand that you don't have to put chapters all the time but I just hope you won't put it on hiatus or something!
| itsamahomiesthi 1/28/13 . chapter 12
Thanks for updating (: please update soon (:
And Alexander is pissing me off..
| TheDramaticAMC-B 1/3/13 . chapter 11
Tsk, tsk Angel! Don't you know it would be unbecoming of a princess to ask a knight to sleep with her. Tsk tsk. Anyways I love this story and Sterling just needs to get punched in his man shit, or the face like that bish in the mall ;) another clue as to who I am. You better know.
| TheDramaticAMC-B 1/3/13 . chapter 1
Darlin' this chapter was good. I can't wait to read the rest knowing you I'm going to need help reading it, specific help ;) you better know who this is.
| coralstorms 11/10/12 . chapter 11
i'm absolutely in love with this story, it's unique, interesting and well-rounded overall :) dying for the next chapter!:D
| jany258 11/1/12 . chapter 11
i love it! keep writing ! please? haha
| afkglkjgaskjghksdagh 10/17/12 . chapter 11
Funny how Selena hasn't figured it out yet lol
| itsamahomiesthi 10/16/12 . chapter 11
The last question was nice (: I hope they'll sleep together (:
Please update soon (:
| Agnes 10/11/12 . chapter 1
Really nice. I like it because it's refreshing. Keep going! :-)
| itsamahomiesthi 10/9/12 . chapter 9
It was really nice (: please update soon ((((: