you go girl!:D

just try not to use the exact dialogs from the game and longer chapters PLZ!

Ok, technically charge isn't until second game... But whatever. Only a real nerd would care about that. Great, that makes me a nerd lol

good work but try not to use shepard diologue often but rather invent your own base on the original think ''what would you say?'' in those situation in other words same dialogue but with your own words, also i see a romans with Liara , its not that i dont like Kaidan i mean hes cool be i just cant see him other than being friends with Shepard.

Ok, not trying to be rude, but you really need a beta reader. I saw that one of the guys reading this is intrested, and you could use as much help as you could.

Now understand, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm trying to help, but I have a tendency to be very blunt.

A few things I'd advise: 1 Rose should know more about Mass Effect.

That would mean either some editing to the earlier chapters, or Rose needs to do a lot more research on the extranet.

2 Try not to follow the game dialouge as closely. Paraprhase it, but if you straight up copy it, it'll get old fast.

3, What exactly isn't working for the beta reader? It was my understanding that you just messaged or emailed the person to communicate, then they gave you feed back.

4 I really hope you continue this story. You'll get better as time goes on. Believe me, I've seen more than a few authors do that.

Actually, I think you gave Udina the right title. If it was wrong, I didn't notice.

And as far as Beta readers go, you should just be able to message them and commnunicate. What where you trying that didn't work?

Still a bit rough around the edges. I get what you're trying to do, the presentation just needs work.

I like the story, you're just not very experianced as an author yet. But don't worry. Other stories have started off just as rocky before they got really good.

If you're having trouble making the chapters long enough, wait until you have several, then just combine them into one longer chapter.

One other thing I can suggest for writing: Don't use their names every time. That's what pronouns are for lol.

And I fogot to mention it before, but I'd personally rather see a Liara romance than Kaiden. He's just not my 'cup of tea' to put it mildily. Though that other guy makes a good point about considering that carefully. If you're going to romance them in here, you need to either genuinely like them, or be a really good actor.

And not to be too blunt, but I'm willing to beta this. It might take longer to get chapters up since I'd have to read them and get back to you and all that, but I'd personally rather have people waiting for a great chapter than hand them rushed chapters that aren't as good.

Just my two cents

The writing has not improved one bit. It is still terrible, and all the problems can be summed up in a few words: too short. Everything seems rushed, there is little depth or detail, and no chapter is long enough to be insightful. Spend more time fleshing things out instead of hammering them down and posting.

Hey, pretty good so far the only thing that got to me was all the third person talk you seemed to fix it at the end though.

And in my fic (which is also a self-insert) I don't usually follow the games dialogue, people have heard it before. I follow the

same pattern but make my own story I have the charachters say what I want them to say not what the game wants them to, and I don't have to look up all the lines.

Jknight-

Keep it it girl! But beware! Grunt is lurking in the shadows... MWA HA HA HA! :D

I don't normally like other people's SI stories, but I'm actually liking this one. Maybe because I see the same sort of mistakes I made early on. Not that I'm trying to offend, I think this story could be really intresting.

A beta reader wouldn't go amiss though.

Ok, one other thing I noticed:

Be careful to not let the other charecters get too far away from how they are in game. I'm probably the only nerd that would notice, but one or two lines seemed slightly out of charecter to me. Just giving you warning since that could become a problem later on.

On the whole Liara romance thing... I looked at your profile, and I can understand if you might want to support your sister in such a way, but if you don't swing that way yourself, it might be a challenge.

Don't get me wrong, I hate homophobia too, as I also have a Lesbain relative. I'm just saying that you might really want to consider that before you go down that path.

Ok, while I'm intrested in the whole "you become Shepard thing", the writing itself needs help.

Also, I think you made a similar mistake I made earlier on: talking about Shepard's background in a list; it's just boring to read. It wouldn't hurt to try spacing that out more.

Still, your story itself seems intresting, and you're bound to improve as you go. Definately needs a little bit of work though.

Good concept. AWFUL execution. This story is very poorly written. Lots of showing, not a lot of telling. Full of run-one. Generally awkward and rambly. And at less than a thousand words, far too short. Which is too bad, since actually ending up AS Shepard is a surprisingly rare form of self-insert.