-Info dump with the ITO stuff.

-Delete material in the second section up to them arriving in the carpark. It is irrelevant to the story.

-Good into, set the scene nicely.

-Good introspection with Fellman; makes for brooding character.

-In my opinion, should have started a new paragraph when you mention the sun setting.

-Good, added to the threat level with ITO’s mention.

-This was great! Great dialog, very graphic and descriptive. It stopped critiquing it half way through and just continued reading it…

The interaction between Myrda and Fellman was real and engaging, nothing beats two irritated people forced to work together.

Well done!

-Too much repetition for me at the start.

-“The security guard rolled his eyes as he walked to the car. Apparently human originality hadn’t changed any more than their desire for money had.”

I’m not sure what is being referred to here.

-I already have been told about Sydney, not sure I need it again.

-I feel there should be more evidence of tension between Myrda and Fellman, the interaction between them didn’t work for me.

-I think the narration slows down the action in the last section.

-I think the viewpoint needs work, also the narration feels self-concious, repetitive and unclear in places.

-“Even now, two centuries from John Kander’s time, money made the world go round.”

I found this to be clichéd in a distracting way – IMO, if you’re going to use the term ‘money made the world go round’ is there perhaps, another way you can use it? Maybe it was the commas that distracted me – either way the sentence did not flow or sit right for me.

-I like the second paragraph a lot more, why not just remove the first sentence and start with the second?

-“Bitterly reflected.”

I had a problem with this – this is tell don’t show, how about showing us how he is bitter rather than saying bitterly reflected? What do you feel like when you reflect bitterly? We all probably have some sort of physical action, a grimace perhaps, a furrowed brow etc.

-Why is the store dingy? Show us rather than rely on the word dingy.

-“Big buck.”

Big distracted me, I felt buck was enough.

-Otherwise, I like the paragraph, good variation of sentence length. Too many descriptives in the next one though.

-I like what you’re trying to do with the repetition but be careful you don’t use it to a point where it becomes distracting.

-“It was evening, the sun setting early as pert it being winter.”

Winter info isn’t needed.

-When Myrda comes out, I had difficulty imagining the setting/scenery for this part of the story. Liked the dialogue exchange between her and Fellman though.

-Difficult to follow who was saying what in the next dialogue exchange in the next section.

-Good visuals and storytelling/history of New Sydney Town.

-Good news snippet with the sPhone. Sets up the world, one where space travel exists but not unlike our own.

-Very confusing paragraph after they arrive, recommend reworking it.

-Good action paragraph when Fellman gets Myrda to move.

-Once again, I found the author’s voice intruding, and it was distracting. However, it’s a good story, look forward to seeing where it goes!

-“That was just as well, all things considered. True, he was the CEO of HelixRail, but the more you stood out, the more likely you were going to end up with egg on your face at best, or a bullet through your face at worst. Admittedly there was little to be gained from assassinating someone like him, but still, better safe than sorry.”

Sentence too long, I would consider breaking it up as it reads strangely.

-“Blue skies...as usual.”

“Actually, they’re grey. But don’t worry, close enough.”

This dialogue exchange left me confused – what are the characters getting at? Is one trying to annoy the other perhaps?

-I like the description of York’s reaction, show don’t tell – it’s good.

-“Because you’re a businessman,” Blue pointed out. “Because you know that if this is the real deal, UniStrand might be placed on the pedestal of genetics, with your board of directors asking you how this happened.”

Good exchange – I like it.

-Sentences still too long IMO, not all of them just a few, and when the sentences are too long it makes the story more difficult to follow.

-I would consider seeing what you can take out, I feel allot of the material you write is a little overwritten and would pack a much stronger punch if you removed the superfluous parts. Ask yourself? What’s absolutely essential, and what can be chopped off?

-Despite all these seemingly harsh criticisms, I think your story is great – I’m along for the ride and look forward to seeing how it continues to move forward.

-Feels like you’re re-capping for the reader at the start, not sure it’s needed. That Sydney has seen better days is a point you’re already made.

-“Myrda had to hand it to Hill…”

This feels like you’re using Myrda to tell us rather than show us.

-I think this chapter needs tightening. It feels like there is lots explained and overexplained without the story moving forward much.

-Ten metres is not “closely.”

-“Hello Yorky. How’s the weather?”

Specify that it’s a female voice here.

-“I’ll probably be firing some guns.”

Try “firing off a few rounds.” Guns is too general a term and marines tend to focus on precision fire.

-“Good. Because dealing with idiots makes me want to enforce social Darwinism.”

I like this line!

-“Doctors my arse…Myrda reflected Simple nano surgery…why are they even getting paid the same amount as me?”

Doesn’t sound right.

-Not sure what you mean about the cat comments…nine lives?

-General Feedback: An intriguing and absorbing chapter. The characters are well rounded and real. Good dialogue between the characters. The story has a logical air to it. The information given was enough to stop the story rolling without being an info dump.

Near-perfect grammar, too much introspective. The story is good, but the structure is bad.

-I think it’s great that you have created a complex world with sub-plots and some very interesting characters. I really like the stories themselves hidden beneath all of these extra words.

-“And seeing that it wasn’t coming from the HelixRail building, there was perhaps at least some hope it wouldn’t pertain to unwelcome questions.”

This entire section has slowed the pace.

-Try and rely on ellipsis less.

-“Oh, the usual,” the former marine said airily. “Follow the pickup, ghost it, retrieve the package. I’ll probably be firing some guns as well, maybe an explosion, but hey, ABC’s more focussed on Martian bombs nowadays anyway. Sydney can take two in the same day.”

This was good dialogue.

-“More efficient, fewer patients…”

Simplify this section.

-“A few people in UniStrand knew where the line was when it came to Hill. Yet Myrda was one of the few who knew where it was safe to cross. Maybe it was due to them being similar in age, similar in appearance bar gender, or maybe that she was smart, and knew how the game was played. Which was why she wasn’t so keen to be working with the lapdog Hill had assigned her. Because either he didn’t know how the game was played, or by virtue of letting a drop be taken, had failed in the game. So why he was Hill’s choice for his job was a mystery.”

Take this whole paragraph and think about how to write it straight to the point. Surely, you can see how verbose and backwards and forwards and all it is if you try?

-“And there it was. The offer. The refusal. The point where Fellman got to his feet and met Hill’s gaze. The gauntlet had been thrown down, and Myrda waited to see who got to it first.”

THIS IS A VERY GOOD PARA. Direct language and an example of how much you can layer things even if you’re not using flowery language and over-labouring the point.

-“Myrda smiled faintly as she saw Fellman’s eyes light up for a second. Perhaps he did know how the game was played. Or more likely, he was just another human being. Everyone had their price, everyone had a love of money, and while you could perch yourself on the moral high ground, all it took was a pebble to start the avalanche that would take you down with it. It was a pebble that Hill had thrown, and seeing the effect he had, he proceeded with the briefing.”

WAFFLE direct from the author and not the characters.

-“And in the hospital, numerous other things occurred.”

Is this meant to be mysterious in a plot specific way or is it an off-hand throw-away line?

Near perfect punctuation and grammar, IMO. Still too much introspective thinking by the characters. It slows the pace of the story and is a distraction from enjoying the story.

More please. :)

-The beginning strikes me as a silly bit of dialogue that has been contrived to start a chapter with a slight bit of tension.

-McGraw Hill-did you intend to make some sort of subtle joke here by using the name of a global publishing company as the name of one of your characters or was it accidental?

-“Never mind the budget cuts last year that cut into…”

-Use of “cut” twice. How about using “slashed” or something similar instead?

-“…if word got out to an authority with enough power to be able to avoid sticking its head in the sand.”

Most of this sentence can be cut. Delete unnecessary words to avoid becoming long and waffly. I’ve used this sentence as an example of how much you can chop out and still retain the meaning of the sentence. You need to do this through much of your story.

-“…but in the meantime, he wanted to put as much distance between himself and then.”

Should be “them.”

-“The aide nodded and took a left down through some cubicles to head for the elevators, already being filled up by old men and women that if Hill was lucky, he wouldn’t be seeing again for the next twenty-four hours.”

This sentence should probably be broken up into shorter ones.

-“Unlike Hill, who he entered his office…”

Should be “had.”

-“… and, considering that he actually hailed from the United States, geographically as well.”

As cowboys originated in the USA, it is not out of place “geographically.”

-“…but since ITO had taken over that job, it seemed that all his experiences were for moot.”

I’m not sure that the meaning of “moot” fits in the context here. Perhaps you meant “naught” as in “all his efforts were for naught.”

-“No-one would be interested in his stories of pulling over people who, if they were trying to enter the US illegally, were doing so for reasons that were often in the realm of expired passports.”

This sentence is clunky and very hard to read. Also, I’m not sure what the purpose is of the paragraph just below it. It seems quite waffly and uninteresting. Could probably be said in ONE sentence.

-“While the former had finally been eradicated, the former would probably be here even after the sun went nova.”

First former should be “latter.”

-“Albiet” should be “albeit.”

-“...Fine. I’ll do it. I’ll send someone around to pick up the goods.”

“Fine...but wait for this evening.

Too many “fines.” You need to use a different word sometimes.

-“Not that she had any intention of selling herself to just one organization, but making that organization be more likely…”

Cut out “be” in this sentence.

Nice. :)

Love it

Epic. :)