Loved it :3

Definitely a good one.

Sadly, I found mistakes.

You were repetitive in your word choice. Use a thesaurus next time to improve so diction.

You often repeated the same point twice, in the same sentence. If you absolutely need to, try changing around words so it isn't exactly the same.

Watch your fluency. At times this story was flowing like milk from a carton, and at other times it was more like chopping meat.

Take all of these things into mind the next time you write and I'm sure you'll be much better.

-Professor Pajamas

Wonderful! Very rarely do I find fanfiction this addicting :P

I feel so bad for Azusa! Pushed to the breaking point by the combined forces of Ritsu, Mugi, Mio, and a somewhat-ignorant Yui. I'm glad everything worked out for the best in the end.

Ah, this was a pleasant read and a very good story. I loved how everyone was in character especially Azusa and Ritsu. I love how Yui opted to carry Azusa home and leave her beloved Giitah in the club room. Although I found it awkward to read at first, I enjoyed it immensely. Thank you for sharing!

such a lovely story, it was really cute. Good job

A YuiAzu story, I see! Well, this is definitely a welcoming surprise, what with all the crawling Mitsu fics in here.

Your prose is likable and not forced. Few mistakes here and there, though, and I'm sure a good beta read over it would clean it up nicely. (for example, Ui wandering behind Azu. Not only does that sound weird, it's impossible, given the space between Azu's chair and the next desk)

Now let's see.. your way of writing, as I've said before is likable, however in an attempt to not overuse their name, you use descriptions close to describing the girls' character. You use it so much, that it becomes a little of a dull read.

The point of view was actually a little confusing. You lead me to believe you're narrating this from say Azusa's point of view, but when I read further, I suddenly read Mio's thoughts.

I also noticed, very quickly, that you don't really talk about Azusa's feelings for Yui all that much. You pretty much leave us wandering in the dark about that. I mean, you talk about Yui's unique interactions with Azusa and how Azusa assumes there's more than meets the eye, but you don't specifically talk about her own budding feelings. Like, how'd she come to like Yui? When did these feelings rise? How did they rise? Why did they rise?

In the first half you managed to keep them perfectly in character, however towards the end, they seemed to get way too out of character. I could not imagine Azusa running up to Yui and just giving away her first kiss like that.

And like Genki Collective mentioned, it started to drag towards the end and I can't help but think you could have gone without a whole chunk between the middle and and end scene. I struggled to reach the end and at some point had even wanted to come to an end. There wasn't really a climactic feel, or climactic build-up I'd expect there to be.

For a fic to be good, it doesn't have to be a long chapter. If it's short, engaging and right to the point, it works as well.

Despite my criticism, I did like the story. The first half more than the the second half, of course. You're capable of writing, it's just that you need external advice to help you keep the story line in check.

Musician74

This is a pretty good story - a nice change from the usual offering in this fandom.

You're obviously an experienced writer, because your prose flows well, and your dialogue reels natural.

However, there are several issues that keep a pretty good story from being very good, or even great.

- This same plot - Azusa figuring out her feelings for Yui - has been done before in a dozen different variations. My favorite example is XFireWorx's "Bursting!", which was an engaging and humorous take on YuiAzu. This offering was not particularly engaging. I didn't feel drawn in. You bring no sense of originality to the telling of the tale, even though you try to do so by having Ritsu be the matchmaker for YuiAzu (which falls flat - see below).

- It seemed as though you were extending the narrative to build tension, but there isn't any. I kept waiting for a plot twist or something that would make things interesting, but there wasn't anything - just the long march of inevitability toward a result we all know is coming. It really made things start to drag in the second half.

- The narrative really started to fragment for a stretch toward the middle of the second half. POV started jumping around from paragraph to paragraph at one point, and it confused me.

- Finally, with all these issues, the nearly-11K-word length is a serious liability. For a one-shot this long to work, it's really got to draw the reader in and hold them like a black hole. This story does not do this, and I found myself struggling to make it all the way to the end.

As far as your grasp of canon, I'm afraid I have mixed feelings. You have their personalities pretty close. Unfortunately, there are a few issues that show your understanding of the franchise is surface-level, at best:

- Ritsu as a matchmaker? Sorry, I'm not buying it. Romantic entanglements pretty much elude canon Ritsu. Mugi is much more believable as a matchmaker. Because of this, you need to sell an informed reader by giving us a clue as to Ritsu's motivation. You fail to close that sale, however, and therefore your angle doesn't work.

- The honorifics are all wrong. For example, you have Ritsu using "chan" and calling Azusa "Azynyan". You have instances where Ui doesn't use an honorific, even though Ui *always* uses them. You even have Ui call Azusa "Azu-chan", and I'm not sure where you got that from - contracting someone's name like that certain is not a liberty prim and proper Ui would take with someone's name. There are other examples. It seems like nit-picking, but the better writers in this fandom don't normally make these kinds of mistakes. Honorifics are very important in Japanese culture, and informed readers expect an author to get them consistent with canon. Here, they're not even consistent within the story itself.

- Another example of poor characterization is Yui carrying Azusa home, complete with both their book bags. Canon Yui can't even carry a small amp from one end of the school building to the other. Mugi is the one with the strength. This is not a small plot point, by the way.

This is certainly not a bad story, merely flawed. In a fandom that is plagued with "authors" who write like stroke victims but think they're the next Stephenie Meyer, it's nice to see someone with obvious talent making an effort. Thanks for bucking the trend.

Genki Collective