Honestly, I'm at a loss of words here...

First, you introduce a large amount of original content with neither background nor backstory. Second, you bombard the readers with countless pop culture references. Finally, the "plot" of your "story" seems to be you playing around with the Angel Troupe.

Please understand that you can't go around spurting the names of your OCs, as well as other made up elements, like that and expect the readers to just nod absently; we can't read your mind.

Same with the pop culture elements. Do not assume everybody has played the same games/watched the same series as you and to the same extent.

Last but not least, and forgive me if I sound harsh, keep your personal fantasies to yourself. I came here to read about the characters of the Galaxy Angel series, either their more comical anime versions or the more serious visual novel ones. If you want to introduce an OC, fine, but don't make it the center of the universe. Also think about a plot the readers, and not only you, might be interested in. After all, would you really want to read about me playing naked twister with the girls?

Best regards.

P.D.: Check the paragraphing and capitalization.