So yeah, there are some grammatical errors but still, the emotion! The drama! It's so good... This story is amazing.
The best part of drama stories is when a reader cries about it, I think, because I cried! Seriously!

There are a few grammatical errors, so continue trying to improve your english. But I like the story. It has an interesting plot and I would really like to read more of it.

I like the story.

You need to work on verb tenses and punctation though. It would lift the story several steps.

Hi, that was good for a first story,even with an average language,but we can sense the emotion behind your words,keep it can think about a sequel,do not hesitate :)