You need to focus more on character interactions and changes, and less on following the canon plot. You do a fairly good job of characterizing, but don't have much emphasizing it. We literally have only 3 interactions with Snape, and they all are short and almost identical to canon. The last one, the apology, obviously wasn't.

Poor Seamus and Dean, no matter what changes no one is ever friends with them. Rarely is anyone friends with Parvati and Lavender for that matter.

I really hope for the next book you don't shadow canon so closely. No matter what decisions are made they keep ending up in the same circumstances.

"Did you expect turnips?" Ron asked her, grinning.

"Well," Whitney said with a half-smile, "sort of." She glanced at Neville, who looked at her knowingly, and she wondered whether he had told Ron about the present she'd received from the Dursleys last year.

She told Ron over chess, not Neville. Just a thought.

Also yes she seems much wimpier than Harry, but that is basically because Harry is so stoic it is occasionally hard to believe. Even worse in the fanfiction that floats around.

Lily's betrayal? I think you mean Snape's betrayal.

ooommmmmgggg this story is amazing!

Geese, life is even worse as a GIRL! And she didn't get to free the boa or have him talk back...so she will be pretty surprised come second year!

please continue

I really enjoyed both the story and the idea. But after reading the 'sneak peak' I have to ask... how did she get upgraded into a normal room? Harry had it happen durring the letters before first year, she didn't get the room then so...

Keep up the good work.

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