"watching the glass perspire" Oh my gosh, what a great line!

Excellent bit of writing you have here. Admittedly, it's been a while since I've read the Great Gatsby, so I can't tell if the characterization is really as sharp as it seems to me, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it is. Something you've done particularly well here is setting, which was such a key feature to the original story that it's great to see it continued here. I love the vivid texture of the air, the inbetweenness of the whole establishment, the dark and light jostling together, all very clear and elegant.

And I love the old lingo. It's clever and fun and wonderful.