|Reviews for Neon Genesis Evangelion: College Of Chaos|
| LatwPIAT 2/24/13 . chapter 6
That was terrible. I would strongly advise you to go back the planning stage to figure out what you really want to do with this story, and consider how to implement that.
1) There's no tension, whatsoever, in this story. Just as an example, consider how the first episode of NGE had Shinji rescued in the nick of time from a rampaging Angel, and then had to make a snap decision to pilot while Sachiel was trying to bring the entire city down on top of NERV HQ. This, mixed with his obviously strained relationship with his father. Here, meanwhile, you spend *five* of your so-called chapters to get even as far as to introduce the Angels. And, short of Eric's attempts at avoid the rain by taking *risks*, there's simply no conflict there. It's boring. Dull. Uninteresting. Pointless waste of text.
2) The entire universe seems to warp around Eric. Eric is U.S.-American, so the Japanese government kicks out NERV and shoves them all the way across the Pacific Ocean to the United States... and not to, say, Massachusetts, where there's a canon NERV base, or Nevada, where there's another canon NERV base, but the *exact* state that Eric goes to college in. Asuka, for some reason, decides to get angry at Eric? Well, don't worry, the universe will make sure that Rei and Shinji are there to explain to Eric that he's at no fault - AND looked awesome during the fight! You've essentially made the entire cast wrap themselves around Eric like a protective blanket to vindicate any doubt to his awesomeness - which is terrible characterization; if Eric was awesome, the audience should be able to tell, and we wouldn't need the canon characters to approve of him for us.
3) Speaking of terrible characterization, the canon characters don't work. In Shinji and Rei's case, you've replaced them with duller versions of themselves that don't cause any interesting character-interaction at all; Shinji has better self-esteem and Rei no longer serves as a mysterious character that interest or conflict can be spun around. Converse, the one characterization you did preserve, Asuka's, is completely irrespective of the fact that she's four years older. Puberty and the teenage years cause people to undergo rather drastic changes, and to have 18-year-old Asuka act the same as 14-year-old Asuka completely breaks any attempt you're making at treating her as a serious character. The pride, superiority complex and narcissism that's core to Asuka's character as a 14-year-old are, at the age of 18, a sign that she simply hasn't grown up rather than a sign of her troubled youth.
In fact, by and large, the characterization of the main NGE cast completely falls apart the moment you age them above 16-ish, because beyond that age people are expected to be able to have learnt the lessons that they struggle with, as characters, in the original series.
Therefore, you should start over from the beginning, consider what it is you want to do with Eric, plot out the events and tension of each chapter in advance, and make sure the pilots are in the 13-16 year range. Currently, your story simply doesn't have any substance.
| WaivernRiver 2/6/13 . chapter 4
Alright, I read all four chapters in one day and so far it's not bad, but not that interesting. I have no idea why you decided to label the Eva as Unit 17 so you might want to explain that some time soon. Obviously you made the Eva out of preference of yours, which isn't necessarily bad.
I get that this AU has the combined personalities of the Rei from Angelic Days (Which I don't care to read because it seems pretty ridiculous) and other series. Almost the same thing with Shinji and I actually don't mind his personality, but Rei's is one that I'm not used to and kind of annoys me. But that's just my opinion.
Too much focus on your OC right off the bat with very little focus on the main cast. I know its the first four chapters, but try to balance it out more. I have no idea what you have planned so hopefully you surprise me with something awesome or at least good.
Your writing capability and style is really good, ignoring the minor errors. Let's see what else you have in store for us. Peace!
| SeoulGamer 5/22/12 . chapter 1
First of all, don't use Bold font on dialogue. Use quotation marks. For example: "This is going to be great on my back", he remarked. Using bold is harsh on the eyes and looks tacky. Quotation marks make for easier reading.
Also, please divide up those big blocks of text into paragraphs. Find a beta reader. Even the least competent beta should at least be able to get your story into a readable format.
I've no complaints about what little of the story exists so far. I have something of a soft spot for Evangelion fanfiction that uses American characters, but your formatting makes this really off-putting to read. You're not a bad writer, so it would be a shame to scare off readers with dense blocks of texts and ugly Bold dialogue.
| Richie 4/6/12 . chapter 1
the idea with the story is very nice, i'm curious as far as why is shinji in the u.s. i can't wait to see how this goes.