|Reviews for Sacrifices|
| Elias Pedro 4/10/12 . chapter 1
Hello, welcome to the PMMM fandom and thank you for your contribution to this community!
First off, I'm a writer who uses OC's myself, so I won't have the negative bias against OC's in this review. Now for the critique.
The plot moves a little too fast, I believe. Things just come and go so quickly in this story that I feel like I don't really get to digest what it is you want to portray. You have a small set of characters as of now and a bunch of supporting characters (if people who've died count as supporting characters)
These are new characters in a new town, you might as well spend a little bit more by the way of introducing these new characters and settings to us. If you were doing this later on in the story wherein you've introduced a new character or event that you want to hide, then I would understand.
However, this is the introductory chapter that, at least from what I can see, does not establish a whole lot about the new surroundings or dos not really foreshadow actions in the future.
There are some minor spelling errors here and there. Take for example, 'a 35 year old women', it should be 'woman'.
The flow is a little bit sluggish. Separating portions with those small phrases like 'Five Years Later' is too basic of a transition from one scene to another. It makes it feel like it was crammed together, eh?
I mean, the scenes themselves were decent but jumping from one scene to another like that made them lose their individual touch. It got diluted in transition, so to speak. Paired with a plot moving way too quickly, the reader may find him or herself getting lost.
Now for the good.
Aime seems like an observant character, and a rather complex one too. Decently written and with an interesting (though rushed) backstory. I want to know the full breadth of what happened to her and what she ought to do about it.
Aime is the shining point of your story and it may be good to plan your writing around her. I'm also intrigued as to who the antagonist is and what his/her/its plan or modus operandi will be.
I hope this critique helps you out. Keep writing, I'll look forward to the development of this fic.