|Reviews for dark souls the fair lady and the black flame|
| DeathDealer1997 5/31/13 . chapter 1
It's a good concept but you're charecter seems a Marty Stu and things are just way to convinient for him to really be believable. Such as how he's able to beat the Gargoyals with literally no effort at all, is able to see right through Qualaag's appearence and doesn't feel the least bit threatened when she's trying to murder him, just to name a few.
And also, Qualaag's purpose wasn't /just/ to protect her sister's domain but to steal humanity from Undead who wandered in, so even if the charecter showed that he was no threat to Qualaan, Qualaag would kill him anyway to get at the Humanity.
Like I said, everything that happens to Xinous is just way too convinient and he handles everything just way too perfectly for me to take anything seriously. Remember, flawed charecters are way more interesting to read about than Marty Stu's.
| Guest 4/5/13 . chapter 1
Your spelling and grammar are so awful that I truly could not make it through the story. If you'd like this to be taken seriously you need to put some care into how you write.
| Lucient 10/27/12 . chapter 1
It's quite good, considering that I also know the lore behind this.
If I didn't though, I'd be in the gutters, not understanding anything that's happening.
I suppose you might say this is a concentrated-fanfic,
the kind that's only widely acceptable by Dark Souls players.
( but yeah, whatever )
If you want to make it so that anyone who reads this, actually gets what's happening,
you need to be careful with how you introduce the characters.
( on that note, your hero too )
Also, some part of it just seem unacceptable for me.
Since there is a character in there, taken from Dark Souls, which I won't mention,
who acts out of character, truly.
You might want to MINIMALIZE character change in a fanfic.
Seriously, it's a bad thing to do.
People who do this are actually despised as 'convenient fanfic writer' by some community.
( although it's not actually that grave a matter, maybe it's just low to do that ? )
And yeah, that's about all.
Keep going strong, bro. You may have a talent for it if this was your first.
At least, I didn't get the 'wasted my time' feeling when reading this.
So yeah, have spirit, man.
| Reave the Damned 9/12/12 . chapter 1
I like the concept of your story. The only problem is that you might want to get a beta reader to check for spelling or grammatical errors and study up on a bit of the lore concerning quelaag and the fair lady. Check EpicNameBro's channel on youtube. His lore videos tend to be fairly accurate and just on a personal note as a fellow writer, something you could do to improve the quality would be to separate your dialog and be a bit more poetic with how you describe things. Use words or phrases that paint a portrait of how the character moves in the mind of the reader. It helps to transmit the emotion of the moment and grab the readers attention. Overall good story though, look forward to what may happen with the black flame.
| TheFaceFister 8/27/12 . chapter 1
| Omega Overlord 8/24/12 . chapter 1
This fic would be a lot better if you seperated one thought from another. And please, your diction is horrible.
Don't get me wrong, I find the premise very nice, just the execution could use a lot of work.
| Guest 8/19/12 . chapter 1
| Guest 8/14/12 . chapter 1
i like it
| DarkFlareFox 5/15/12 . chapter 1
good start so far, shame that on one has left a review so far. looking forward to the second chapter.