|Reviews for The World Without The God|
| AKAAkira 6/28/12 . chapter 5
And whoa, a translation? Very nice job. Now wishing I had one, haha.
Anyways - this chapter was definitely MUCH better. Not just on the "happy ending" front, you've demonstrated remarkably well Ayumi's self-imposed restriction and just how easily it was for it to crumble. Chihiro was a very nice pick as well; close enough to Ayumi that makes one go "Of course!" in hindsight, and a perfect choice in terms of how her own problem could've spilled out to Ayumi. Heck, if it was played right, I think this chapter could've even counted as Chihiro's. (Of course, you did hint at her own problem, so I'm very sure you've something else planned for her. I look forward to reading it.)
So at the moment I'm reduced to only being able to pick on some of the punctuation, heh. For "'What do you mean,' Ayumi asked", the comma should've been a question mark since a question was being asked; for "'...I said that I'm not going to run ever again!" She said abruptly", "she" should've been lower-case. Of course, you demonstrated both before, so I'm pretty sure they were accidents instead of not knowing.
Overall, definitely an improvement. Keep it up!
| chromate 5/28/12 . chapter 4
I agree with the previous reviewer that the chapters do seem to be incomplete by just having them in despair. You can either make omake chapters, like you mentioned, or just have a Ayumi/Kanon/Shiori Chapter 2 somewhat later in this series. And also, the question I keep asking myself when reading this is: so if Keima is out of the story, what next for the girls? I mean, their lives have to go on, but they have to have a story to tell too. Maybe you can emphasize more on their internal, psychological struggle with their own selves.
Otherwise I like the build-up so far of a Keima-less world. The plot itself is interesting: just try to polish it a bit, maybe by describing more of their thoughts and their interactions with others, if any. I'll be looking forward to the upcoming chapter!
| AKAAkira 5/21/12 . chapter 4
For the sake of leaving options open, I'll clear up one perceived misunderstanding - a "solution" doesn't necessarily have to be a happy ending. True, I would favour it more, and it'll probably leave a better taste in the mouth, but just like galges can have good OR bad endings, so can a story end with the protagonist's acceptance of defeat. Keyword: acceptance.
Getting back to THIS chapter, that's why I thought it ended far better than the last two chapters. (Well...from your A/N, I'm not entirely sure if you intended to do this, but...) The last three lines made it seem like Kanon recognized the finality of turning invisible. (In contrast, Shiori just got started looking for a way out, while Ayumi had been very unsure if her decision was the correct one.) Compared to Elsie's though, I still consider Elsie's story to be better; you're still writing the stuff that was already thoroughly and better described in the manga. (Well...I guess technically Elsie sweeping contentedly in Hell was covered in the manga too, but I think you expanded on the thoughts nicely enough to keep it interesting.)
So, to finally get to your question - while I don't think it's necessary for all girls, yes, the "Omake" kind of chapters are certainly welcome ideas, assuming you can keep them interesting. Same goes for the next girl - go for whoever's interesting.
On an off-topic note... The *idea* I've mentioned last review's coming to fruition in the form of a short story-that's-not-exactly-short. I was kinda going to ask if you don't mind being credited with being its inspiration? I wasn't entirely sure if it would be rude of me to do so, considering the context...
| Takagi Akito 5/20/12 . chapter 4
too cruel for Kanon-chaaan :'(
i always liked your setting (the girls' life without Keima) in this fanfic, but it makes me sad to see the girls suffer. Keep it until the end of this fanfic.
but i have a question, do the girls still possessed by any runaway spirits? because in this chapter, you mentioned that Kanon-chan becomes invisible.
for the next chapter, may i request Tsukiyo Kujyo?
she's my fav girl after Haqua and Tenri
by the way, i'm looking forward to your omake!
| ChaoticReviewer 5/20/12 . chapter 4
I like the idea of an extra chapter being the solution for each of the girls' problems. As soon as i heard that idea though, i imagined Keima's voice saying the things that he said to the girls when he was there, except he says it only when the girls decide to help themselves from their problems...So it's like the true voice of god, right? And as we all know, God only helps those who try to help themselves :)
| Takagi Akito 5/17/12 . chapter 1
i wonder how Tenri's life would be without Keima.
Since he's already been part of her life for 10 years.
please continue your work!
| ChaoticReviewer 5/17/12 . chapter 3
A world without god isn't a good world at all :(
| ChaoticReviewer 5/17/12 . chapter 2
Sad but true...it makes you wonder just how much impact God has in everyone's life .
| ChaoticReviewer 5/17/12 . chapter 1
Good job Gitah! Keep on going! :D
| AKAAkira 5/11/12 . chapter 3
...Err...to be honest, I kinda thought this was slightly worse than the last chapter...
If you'll allow me to go back to the first chapter...what made that one successful was that Elsie's (admittedly minimal) conflict was resolved. The problem that had been presented by Keima's absence (her never getting into the Loose Soul Squad) was brushed aside in her mind. And at the end, you presented an Elsie who was at peace - sometimes dreaming about what her life might've been like otherwise, but still content, nonetheless.
But then, in chapter two, though you described the actual (but initial) conflict in more detail, that left Ayumi's solution-induced second conflict, her doubt on whether she did the right thing or not, up in the air. She didn't end up going on an extensive soul-searching to find a final answer; she wasn't shown to have tackled her new problems; she didn't grit her teeth and outright ignore them altogether. Her conflict was left very unresolved, and that's what made the end of last chapter unsatisfying.
I'm sorry to say not even an initial attempt to solve the problem happened this chapter; you got Shiori's thoughts down, all right, but even before she was shown to be DOing something, anything, her story was over. And at the end, all that was left is a character still in turmoil, who has no idea where she wants to go.
Conflict, solution. That's the basis of every story, and you only had the conflict written right (and even then, the manga got the conflict area covered already).
Actually, for your last comment (wanting for someone to save Shiori) - why didn't you write that in? As terribly cliché as in may be, having a sorta-replacement-Keima character would at least end the story on a better note. Moving on to other suggestions, it's not exactly a requirement for the girls to fail withou Keima - they can still find the resolve to end their own problems. In Shiori's particular case, a simple solution can be to keep the tossed books for herself, or make her try different methods of communicating to her fellow Committee members. A grander plot would have her try to appeal to the entire school population - if written right, that would solve both her deal with the digital media invasion AND develop her character to someone who could speak better.
...Sorry if it looks like I'm being hard on your story. Hopefully that gives something to think about. (It's certainly given ME an intiguing idea.)
| AKAAkira 4/16/12 . chapter 2
Eh...I don't think this was done as well as the first chapter.
Mostly because I thought the short stories were going to focus on what happened to each girl. So I don't think you should have stopped at "Her whole world was now filled with lies"; that put all the focus onto the instigation, and not enough into the consequences, which is where the real difference from Keima's influence starts.
You could have gone into, for example, Ayumi's emotions as she watched (and maybe cheered at?) the track meet, her friends' reactions to her declining self confidence, what signs she's seeing that her decision was wrong/right, what she thinks of running after the fiasco, etc. Those would all be good points to look how her character handles the problems.
Besides which...I actually don't get the last sentence. As far as I know her only lie was that her leg was injured...? You might have needed to deal more with Ayumi's resulting mindframe to live up to that comment.
So...yeah, in my opinion, I didn't think the last four paragraphs were nearly enough closure, especially in contrast to your description of the events leading up to the meet. Good try, I guess?
| AKAAkira 4/13/12 . chapter 1
Well, this is an interesting enough project. I'll be keeping an eye on this...
For this particular chapter, I thought that since you were trying to convey that Elsie was content with her job, that should rule out usage of some words and terms - like "for the billionth time" that you started with. That kinda implied she was DIScontent. But other than that, you did pretty well capturing her existence.
| blue boy 4/13/12 . chapter 1
hiyane i like the story coz of elisecha anyway what manga chap?well chapter42 but still read till chapte telling ya manga is 10 times great than anime so i recommen it ta ya ta read it coz it summer after all well and elsie is 300 yrs old hahahaahahahaha pls visit see ya there