Hm, this seems interesting. The only problems I have with it is sometimes the words don't seems to match the context of the sentences, also the sentences are kind of hard to follow in some spots. I don't know how else to put it :/ Just trying to be helpful! Good luck with writing the rest of it.

decent troll fic! just add more ridiculous crap and bad spelling

Lame. I hate Mary-Sues...