WHOA. Okay, time for some major, desperately-needed concrit. Not flaming, just giving some especially necessary advice.

1. You know that chat/script story format isn't allowed on this site and could get this fic reported, thus taken off the site, right? Or was I the only one who actually read the Guidelines thoroughly?

2. You clearly need work on your spacebar. It's either malfunctioning, or you have no clue how to use it. It's obviously the latter since you use it perfectly well most of the time, but either way, please fix it. Being without it makes this so hard to read and hurts my eyes. It's also grossly unprofessional.

3. "Punctuation? Wherefore art thou, punctuation?" And yes, I meant the literal translation, 'What is translation?' because I'm not entirely sure you know. There is no trace of punctuation here at all, barring the quotation marks and the occasional comma, and I'm not even sure those count in this case. Look up the rules on the internet. They're easy enough to find.

4. In other notes, you don't seem to understand the concept of capitalization either, let alone present tense vs. past tense since you keep switching it. These rules are easy to find on the internet, too.

5. This is also just a copy of the movie with your character (*cough* self-insert Mary-Sue *cough*) added in. Sorry, very sad, but true. Also, having her as your Seth love interest (or at least, my gathering)? Deplorable. Done so many times, I scoff at stories with that overused plotline.

oh please contine

Interesting and would like read more. Not trying to be mean or anything( just some constructive critisicim) but the writing is a little all over the place and the no caps thing makes it confusing other wise interesting thought in plot overall

Interesting. So is she another sibling or is she with Seth or something? Cause her being with Seth would be interesting. Can't wait to read more. Update soon -