One long single paragraph is too hard to read.

Dude, are familiar with the concept of paragraphs? You should try it sometime.

Seeing your grammar and writing skills, it's obvious to see that they're relatively untouched. After getting though this, we are left with character that have not had the time to fully adjust to the reader, along with action sequences that move to fast to be fully understandable. I got to the part to the electricity stopping in e elevator before I noticed they had even stepped foot onto an elevator. Other thing that could be worked on is originality. Nobody likes a guy who has all theses nice toys to play with whilst everyone else is killed off.

Writing skill and technique are often developed though age; my suggestion is to read other submissions, get an idea on action sequencing along with dioulage and character construction. Don't let this get you down, however. God only knows some of my "early" work was not some of my best. Don't get discouraged.

WALL OF TEXT! Split it up into separate paragraphs.