|Reviews for The Grand Estate|
| GunBunnyGuest 3/13/13 . chapter 14
Okay, obviously you're not the kind of person to receive tough love. Ranting and frothing at the mouth over a review(s) that's been made to you? Really? Take what they're saying. See the points that they made about your story. Your grammar is bad. There's no lie in that. Dialouge needs tweeking. Being honest here. The characters can use some development. Makes the reader more intrigue on what could happen to them.
Instead of making it seems like some reviewers are attacking you, take their advice. You'll need it. Badly. So, instead of taking the time to rant about some person's review, why don't you take the time to improve this story. Like I said before, this story has a lot of potential to be something great. However, you, the writer, is holding it back. That's a shame. Just shameful.
So once more, improve your grammar. Its not all that hard to work on. Trust me. Don't ignore the seemingly negative reviewers, as those can actually help you out more than the retarded 'ooh, nice story' bandwagon. Please?
Read some good stories. Although hard to find, there are some great ones. See how their grammar is. Learn from them.
| RPM Shadow 2/16/13 . chapter 14
Wow! Loving it, loving it, loving it!
| invisiblesolid 2/5/13 . chapter 6
ok look your not a very good writer and i dont like the plot and frankly you dont seem to focus on anything except the plot. like very little character development and no descripton and its just not very good. im ok with the grammer i mean im bad at grammer too but this story is not very good. you should try to do better. maybe you wont agree with me but any desent writer will tell you this... is bad. sorry.
| RPM Shadow 1/16/13 . chapter 13
Wow. That was good.
| Poetryisgreat 12/21/12 . chapter 1
As I said at the beginning of my last review, this is a joke account. My friend was being cruel and decided to post false reviews on your other two stories, saying such things as "oh this is good" and "I want to read more". If I were you, I would delete those reviews, as they are insincere and she was actually being a jerk and making fun of you. Sorry about that.
| Poetryisgreat 12/20/12 . chapter 12
Hello! Sims3Lover back again. I still don't have a Fanfiction account but my good pal has this joke account and I'm sleeping over her house. You specifically requested no anonymous reviews so this is my best opportunity to send you a signed review. Here we go.
[The board of directors set up press conferences, consecutively, of the families up for vote. Starting with the Landgraab family.]
This is worded awkwardly as well as grammatically incorrect. It doesn't flow correctly so that the reader has a harder time following. Also, "starting with the Landgraab family" is a sentence fragment and should be included in the previous sentences or expounded upon so it can stand on its own. Another sentence fragment while I'm on the topic is:
[Flashing lights with reporters shouting questions at them.]
Once again, your grammar is in desperate need of revision. I think this chapter's grammar might have been worse than the last one I reviewed.
As for sentence variety, I'm seeing a significant lack. For example:
[She turns the television off. She storms out of her bedroom. She calls Nick on her cell phone.]
This sequence will give the reader an overwhelming sense of boredom. The solution would be to either combine all three sentences into one (a very good idea for the future *wink wink nudge nudge*) or just not use "she" for the beginning of every sentence.
In the next sentence it says she leaves a voicemail. It would've been helpful if you wrote first that he didn't pick up.
[Vita shouts at her assistant in the dressing room, waiting area.]
I'm not even sure what you're trying to say. Honestly, that comma has got me so confused. My advice is to just take out ", waiting area" all together and end the sentence.
[Nick says... Jeffery asks... she says...]
All used in one section. These are poor quality words. It's not just variety for this error, it's that you're not being descriptive enough.
["Holly, we got an invitation for you" Jeffrey informs her.
She grabs the paper and looks through it.
"Looks like I should get ready" she tells him.
Nick walks in. "What's going on?"
"We're having dinner" Holly responds to him.]
This is such a boring sequence. Hardly any description, almost entirely dialogue. Let me tell you this right now- Dialogue does NOT make a story good. A story is good if you can tell it WITHOUT use of tons of dialogue.
[Vita arrives wearing a knee length black cocktail dress and sunglasses.
Nancy clad in a pantsuit, matching Geoffrey's tailored attire.
Cornelia arrives wearing an ankle length very dark black (plaid) dress.
Holly arrives wearing a red cocktail dress and understated heels. Jeffrey matches with his deep blue suit and Nick in his pinstripe formal getup.]
First and foremost, '(plaid)' was unnecessary. Just say it, don't put it in parentheses. Parentheses rarely have a place in a story. Next, I'll talk about 'show, don't tell.'
Basically, that's where you show the reader what's going on through your words, not just tell them directly. It makes for a more imaginative/descriptive piece, adds depth, and intrigues the reader. Flat out describing what each character is wearing is not only boring, it's taboo. Any popular writer on here will tell you what's wrong with it and why they don't do it.
According to your storyline (or best as I can conclude) only a few days have passed since Morgana checked her pregnancy chest. How can she already be showing? I may be wrong about the timeline though.
There's plenty more to say but I said most of it in my last review and I don't want to sound like a broken record. Also it's 1 AM, maybe I should go to bed? I've spent quite a bit of time on this review.
Now because you almost completely disregarded my last review (and that of another anonymous reviewer) I'm going to be frank. Your writing isn't very good. In any aspect. I have to wonder how old you are. 11? 12? This is the writing quality of a tween. If you want to be a better writer you need to take my advice and use it! Learn from it! Let me help you! Because right now, you really aren't good at writing, and need help to improve.
| RPM Shadow 12/3/12 . chapter 12
I enjoyed it! I enjoy the full story! I don't know any sim family from Hidden Springs, could you please PM me to tell me about them? Is the next family of Sunset Valley going to be the Frio brothers? I hope so. I'm sorry your having trouble with a few reviewers, I know how that feels.
I'm stayinmg with story until the end!
| Jyoti 12/1/12 . chapter 12
| pinkwildcat94 12/1/12 . chapter 12
Hi. Of course i still read your story. Sorry i havent been reviewing though. Sometimes I tend to forget. Anyways, good chapter and I am happy that you included the Vanderburgs. Are u going to talk about their son and Ella Carlisle too?
| GunBunnyGuest 11/17/12 . chapter 11
I like where this story is going, though it is quite a lot to take in at times. All that fuss over who's gonna be the next CEO of Gunther's business? Makes me want to not take any part in the cruel world of business.
Now, there are some things about the story I do not like. For example, every character in here seems shallow. No depth to them, you know? You need description in there! Make them come alive! It annoys me half to death when all I read is dialouge after dialouge. I seriosuly cannot pick up on the sim's character... I'm kinda slow...
Anyway, this story is fast-paced. Which I sometimes don't have a problem with but at times, it can be too much. Where are the sims now? What's going on? Mr. Landgrabb is a baby daddy now?!... Heh... Baby daddy... Heh heh...
Darn distracted mind! Stop you! Though seriously... Your grammar sucks... Not trying to be mean or anything, but it does. Like, really. Like, in serious need of a beta or something. Not being mean, just being honest. Don't cry about this later in you author's note and go on this mini rant trying to justify yourself.
Now, I will not give you examples of good dialouge and grammar because I noticed someone already did, which they have done a pretty good job on that.
So, please take this review into consideration without going on a rampage and tweak this story up a bit to make it a number one Sims story that veryone wants to read and wish they have written it! Yeah! Are ya with me?!
Okay, shutting up now. Too much coffee in my system at the moment. I love coffee? Do you? Love hotdogs, too! Everyone should love hotdogs! They are so-... I'm just gonna shut up now...
| Jyoti 11/7/12 . chapter 11
Wonderful job! You still have this reader ahaha. I find this story really interesting and suspenseful.
| RPM Shadow 11/7/12 . chapter 11
Love it! I'm starting to love Holly!
| RPM Shadow 10/22/12 . chapter 10
WOW! Keep it up!
| A Sims 3 Lover 10/18/12 . chapter 10
It's been a while since I revisited . While I never even entered the Sims section, I was a fairly popular writer in my own section, with each story averaging about 150 reviews. I recognize this is not an impressive number, but I'm telling you so you don't think of me as some random reader who just seeks to criticize.
First off, the overall pace of the story is distracting. I understand that you're being quick and keeping the reader on their toes, but there's a place for description, and you've left it vacant. Most of the dialogue is followed immediately by more dialogue. Not even so much as a "said so-and-so." After a character says something, that is an excellent opportunity to really divulge the parts of the story that we're not seeing. What are the expressions of the people speaking? How do they say what they are saying? Are they happy, sad, frustrated, ecstatic, confused? Do they nervously pinch their wrists, or bight their lips, or stare intently at a corner of the room when pressed with a tough question?
A great way to help the reader feel like they're IN the story is by the use of senses. Touch, taste, smell, sight, sounds. You should aim to use at LEAST 2 of these in every paragraph. Honestly, they really make the story come alive. As it is, this chapter (and all of its predecessors) felt more like skeletons than honest-to-goodness chapters. Try imagining the scene in your head. Don't just write down the dialogue, write down the moment in time. For example, I have two notebooks in front of me. On one, I write the dialogue. On the other, I write the details and descriptions. Then I combine them and add/subtract as I feel necessary.
Next point. You're assuming that your readers know whats going on every chapter. While you might have said Holly/Jefferey were in the hospital in the last chapter, you didn't in THIS one, and it was confusing. There's a lot of repetition in writing. Be sure to remind your readers of where the scene takes place and who the characters are before you get into the details of the actual scene.
Give the characters a chance to come alive! One of the simplest way to do that is to just let the character talk. Not in dialogue form, but more like a reflection. For example, at the end of the chapter, when Morgana closed her eyes before looking at the results, that was an excellent time to reflect. Have her muse about her fears, her hopes, her past experiences. Just sort of let her talk and talk and talk. You'll get a better grasp on the character, she'll feel more real to the readers, and you'll get a more interesting story. -Although, I do note that for that particular sentence, the point of it was to fill the reader with a sense of excitement, but the concept I told you can be added anywhere-
And now lets talk a bit about grammar. Grammar really makes the story in some ways. See, if you've got a grammar-savvy person like me reading, every mistake is going to pop out at me and distract me from the story. I'd suggest getting a Beta Reader for most of this, but there are a few things I can point out.
["Ma'am, I'm sure we can find a way around this" Thornton says.] You should have added a comma after 'this'. It should've read: "Ma'am, I'm sure we can find a way around this," Thornton says.
["No, we aren't" she says with a nervous laugh.
"We have to fix that" he says trying to sit up.] Another example of the above, but twice in a row. That comma is crucial. You're really butchering sentences to grammar-nazis when you do that.
["Long time" she says to her (estranged) husband.]
This sentence... oh this poor sentence. So much I could say. I think I should just put the poor thing out of its misery. No, it must thrive! And here's how you can bring this sentence and Morgana to life. Consider this:
["Long time," Morgana murmurs, masking her desire for the touch of her estranged husband. No one can know that they are still very much together. She stares longingly into his dark eyes, and he returns the loving gaze into hers, and they have to stop themselves from embracing. Even from a distance, she can smell his musky signature scent radiating off of his body. She reaches out for his hand but curls her fingers back, knowing that she is not allowed. Heaving a sigh, she breaks from his mesmerizing stare.]
This isn't necessarily true to your story, of course, I was just taking an essence and running with it. But do you see the picture drawn? Do you feel like you know Morgana a little better, or maybe she feels a little more like a real person? At the very least, descriptive writing makes reading much more enjoyable.
["I think I found him" Li-Anne says looking over paperwork (she got illegally).]
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO. I'm sorry, but, no. You shouldn't remind your readers something like that in such an obvious way. Be more subtle! Writing using parentheses to tell the reader something is stupid. You should fit it into the story, not remind them.
As for your story line, bravo. When I was browsing for a Sims story to read, yours was my first choice. Personally I've never been a fan of the "update the summary to summarize every chapter" thing, but it's not something I'll complain about. I like the overall theme of this story because it feels sort of like a soap-opera. I see a lot of people inserting themselves into the story and maybe their love interest is Sebastian Vanderburg or something, but that's just stupid. Your story line is tasteful, impressive, and interesting.
Now I know you're going to read this and maybe be a little disheveled. But I want you to know that your story is good, it just needs work. You've got a good concept, it's the writing aspect you're having trouble with. Again, I suggest a Beta. I'm going to leave you with that for now. I'm sorry I don't have an account anymore so I can allow you to reply personally to me. Just take these suggestions in good heart, improve your story, and keep writing, and God bless.
| Jyoti 10/18/12 . chapter 10
Great job I loved it! Omg is morgana pregnant?