Please tell me that you're going to finish this story . . . I love it! Although, since it hasn't been updated in so long, I guess maybe you moved beyond fanfiction. However, if you're not going to continue it, could I have permission to complete it on my account if I give you credit for the idea?

I do hope that maybe you would consider finishing it though.

Um, what happened to chapter one? I think this would be easier to understand if it didn't leap right into chapter two.

okay, i figured i'd give you another chance based on the decent idea your other fic had, but i see that this is a common pattern for you: good idea, horrible execution.

you haven't explained -anything- in this story yet, there is almost no descriptive writting, and your blatant overuse of {thought bubbles} is incredibly hard to follow. on top of all this, the very idea that tofu would hypnotise 'akane' as a cure to amnesia is insane, and following this up by sending the completely confused girl back to class the next day is nothing short of malpractice.

please, for the love of whatever dieties or concepts you hold dear, take the time to brush up on basic grammar and writting conventions before you inflict more of this on your readers.

I can't follow this story at all.
I've gone back through and reread the whole thing trying to make some sense out of it, but I'm coming up blank...or at least, what I'm coming up with doesn't make any sense.

You seem to be basing many of Ranma and Akane's reactions on the supposition that there's some kind of psychic division between who people are physically and who they are spiritually/intellectually... So Ranma and Akane's bodies are respectively at war with the persona's that have now been forced into them...

The thing is, the story is so ** convoluted and disjointed that you can't tell what the hell is going on...Is Akane a raging ** who wants to be ** by the whole male population of Furinkan? Or is Ranma really gay (The reaction of his body when Akane first found out she'd have a ** part of the time seems to lead one to wonder...That and the whole female impersonator ** you mentioned in chapter 8...) and it's actually his desire for males that makes Akane's body react as it does? Or is it simply a matter of you viewing their bodies as embodiments of id, and thus all the most basic and primal instincts come to the fore because neither one has conscious control???(Which doesn't explain why the hell Akane got a raging boner when she first found herself in Ranma's male body, unless he's gay...)

Bottom line is, this story needs a major overhaul. It seems like you're trying to write this story in the style of some of the more bizarre episodes of Urusei Yatsura, which would be fine if it were meant to be a comedy. But I don't see comedy being at the heart of this story.

Here's a few suggestions:

You need to more clearly delineate the interactions between host body and the overlapping personalities.(This seriuosly impacts the characterizations. As it stands now, with the actions and opinions the result of conflict between the different identities, we don't have any definitive information about who Ranma and Akane are as individuals.)

You need to explain the background...What the hell is this "Great Curse" it's seemingly a central story element, but we know jack-** about it 10 chapters in...That's unacceptable.

You also need to explain why the hell Akane and Ranma are so far OOC. So far you seem to have relied on the idea that conflicting motivations between the bodies and the minds to take care of this, but again, since we can't tell who's who or which is which, we don't really know anything. Not to mention that all of the secondary characters are OOC...

You're also going to need to justify the people of Furinkan forcing Ranma(Akane) to choose a fiance...And the principal agreeing to it? What planet do these people live on to think that they can decide something like that for someone else? You say this is introducing the craziness of Ranma's life into Akane's, but it still doesn't follow any logical pattern...Again, it seems an awful lot like a UY storyline than Ranma.

Ultimately, the story has great potential, but it's too choppy, not well developed, and absolutely frustrating to read... You can annotate it all you like, but it won't help the flow of the story, or increase the reader's enjoyment of it.

"I recognize Saggit has give serious critiques, and has added softening phrases, etc..."

If I understand you correctly, you are implying that I pull the punches deliberately in my reviews. Not so. I simply begin from a POV of respect for everyone I deal with, until they show me that respect is not currently deserved. It seems like a good idea in particular at this time, with the sheer number of pre-adolescent trolls running around the Internet taking out their hostilities at mommy and daddy behind convenient masks.

My other point is that however accurate I may believe my opinions to be, the remain only that: just my opinions. I may give convincing reasons for them, but in matters non-factual, they weight exactly the same as any opinions; and contradictory opinions have all been equally accurate all too many times.

Rest assured in any case, I won't lie to you, or anyone else, in my C&Cs. As a writer, I greatly appreciate constructive, honest criticism, and I give out the same. :)

"...But he has thoroughly misunderstood my story."

Quite possible; but consider: if I'm not the only one (and that appears to be the case), then you can either conclude a fair representation of people refuse to understand what's obvious; or that we're unusually thick-headed, here on Fanfiction.net; or that the story itself has some (remediable) problems. The choice is yours.

Tofu's epiphany in the Surfaces section is interesting and clears up an important matter (though the treatment of Ranma/Akane earlier on seemed to continue in the "frustration" vein I noted earlier for too long--just my POV). The method of doing so, though--the Yin and Yang numerology--seems a bit underdeveloped. That's to say, we're all willing to accept a certain Suspension of Disbelief when reading, especially in works set in unreal environments (fantasy, horror, sci-fi, etc). We do need a semi-convincing argument presented to us, though. There just isn't enough there (for me, admittedly), and what's there doesn't truly sound Chinese. Maybe if you threw in several mentions of non-existent books on the I Ching)...but again, this just my POV.

Good luck, in any case, with the writing of this. :)

hmmmm i like the two new chapters. good development idea with the warrior in regards to akane. also i like the precludes to further plot and character development with the amazon and the implication of a greater curse. very neat. thank you for sharing and i look forward to the next chapter.

still looking great. i like how you did the numbers of identities. very crafty. oh and i look forward to the path the story goes on especially if it is different. thanks for sharing again and i am excited to read the next chapter.

Overall I feel this is a good story to date.

You've lost me a couple of times when you've referred to some things. You've also given me some good chuckles.

I do hope that you continue posting new chapters.
As I would like to see where you take it.

Doesn't Ranma have to retrain this body. Since I assume his gonna swim to China... Shouldn't Ranma's martial arts be better or worse... Since Ranma's a better martial artist, but is in a new body. He has the skills, but not the control. Though he probably learns quickly since he has to be a girl all the time.
I don't think Jusenkyo affects personality... with the exception of a few springs. I also don't think having a Jusenkyo curse will make the person a water magnet... Every time Ranma gets splashed, there are reasons for it, coincidences does not make fact. Of course Ranma has to get splash for humor purposes :)

Damn! I can't believe I forgot to add this footnote:

Ranma nearly drowns in Chapter 03, because that's what happens WHENEVER Akane gets near water. Takahashi-sama has clearly established Akane cannot swim to save her life! In a panic, or overwhelmed, the body [Akane's] is put on automatic. For good or ill, that's how people deal with stress.

But since her body wouldn't voluntarily go near water, I found another way to echo Ranma's second meeting with Kuno.

I recognize Saggit has give serious critiques, and has added softening phrases, etc. But he has thoroughly misunderstood my story.

I do not wish to confront but apologize for not adding footnotes:

First: Akane is not fat or weak; she is as fit and able as she always was. But the story is from the perspective of the fit and capable, 100% MALE and shocked Ranma. Girls have, as a rule, more body fat, and weaker muscles (except in the thighs)--They also have greater dexterity, but not when compared to the quick and agile Ranma. And Akane does, eventually, get a reputation for being clumsy.

Second: The posthypnotic bit was not to make Ranma act like Akane ("cluck like a chicken"); that is what Dr. Tofu's magic moxibustion treatment does. The Wild Stallion/Ranma trigger is there in the story to unwittingly interfer with his ability to assert his own identity. As is shown in (03) with Nabiki's reaction to same.

Thrid: This is the irony of the story-line! When Ranma thinks he's asserting his own self through martial arts or anger (etc?), he's doing what Akane could do--it WAS Akane who fought off a horde of athletes every morning! They are so much alike there has to come a time when Ranma wonders if a non-gender-specific trait is his or HERS ("likes clash")

Fourth, as Chapter (04) shows: It was never my intention to turn Ranma into Akane (or vice versa). Neither would really be comfortable or happy as the wrong gender--just as in Ranma 1/2. FRUSTRATION, though, is part of the fun of the manga/anime! --"Comedy is cruel," Johnny Carson.

Fifth, Ranma's seeming stupidity: It points out the genius of Takahashi-sama's premis in that she gave Ranma two WEEKS to 'get used to' living with a girl he didn't want. And, if you study the anime, it takes about two MONTHS before he tries to learn to live with her (note his 'girl day', the leotard, etc.). My story is at the time when Ranma is his most upset, leaving him unable to understand much of anything.

What I like about Ranma is the different angle it gives on the story of the genders (and, now, akane). And it, without sinking into a hentai lemon bog, also lets me write about girls and their bodies. It gives me the feeling I get when I think of a fresh marriage.

I think I can sum up my review in one word.
"Huh?"

No offense, but I don't know what the hell you're
talking about... Maybe if I was a practicing
Wiccan, or studying Feng Shui, the Kabalah,
Ayurveda, or whatever branch of esoteric "mystical"
knowledge you're pulling from, I might have some clue as to what you're talking about. (I would
guess that Tofu's using some kind of Feng Shui "geomancy.")

That is not to say that your story is bad, it's
just that, if you're going to bring such an
esoteric element into your story, at least provide
a proper primer for your readers to understand
what you're talking about... I don't think most people will be willing to spend several hours
digging around the Internet trying to piece
together the requisite knowledge needed to make
sense of this. That is not to say that you need to write a book on it, just provide a little
background on how the techniques are supposed
to work. The story shouldn't be a "magic" text
book, nor should the mystical elements be the
central themes of the story.

BTW, I still don't get why you've got Akane being
attracted to Kuno, or more importantly the way in
which her body responds to the attraction. I don't
know ror certain, but I don't think that most
girls respond to a physically attractive guy
by "lubing up..." I know that most men certainly
don't walk around with perpetual hard-ons by seeing attractive women. The only things I can
reasonably surmise is that either: A) you're
using it as a gag, or B) Akane's body responds
sexually because she's had sex with him (and
logically, Dr. Tofu as well) which sort of explains
why you didn't have her reacting to stop him when
he grabbed her. If it's B, tell me now so I don't waste anymore time reading this.

I want to like this story, bit it is very frustrating to read. Akane (Ranma?) needs to have more control over the situation. Other than that, the story seems a little...short. Some of the dialogue could be lengthened a lot, and your descriptions seem a little sparse. All told, this story could be really cool, now that the beginning is out of the way, but it was pretty harsh getting here. BTW, in Internet Explorer 6 the button "submit review" does nothing. I had to switch to Mozilla(!) in order to find out that I had to log in to review. You may want to allow unsigned reviews until some of the bugs are worked out...

With the third chapter, this sounds more and more like a piece in which Nabiki and Tofu have decided to "remake" Ranma into Akane--and everybody else in the whole world who ever knew Ranma or Akane somehow remains oblivious to the enormous changes. Definitely a "frustration" story, but one whose logic, with due respect, I think wears thin.

For example, Akane isn't weak in the manga or anime, by any means: she's probably the second or third strongest character in the whole series, having trained at nothing but that. The moxibustion point makes the victim as weak as a baby. If Ranma has the point done to him by Tofu, as you state in the third chapter, he'll obviously be unable to act like Akane, because he won't be convincingly strong. Nor can the moxibustion point be ameliorated in any way by applying shiatsu points, or Ranma and his friends would have succeeded in doing so when the point was applied to him, earlier.

Of course, that's just canon. You don't have to do canon; but if you introduce a canon device and change it, you have to explain why it was successfully changed in such a radical fashion. (Well...no, you don't have to. But if your readers are up on Ranma, which we all are, it would make sense, since you've posted it here, and clearly want to have us accept your story's premises.)

Another point: anybody who knows they've been hynotized can break out of all post-hypnotic suggestions. In fact, they can't be hynotized into accepting any post-hypnotic conditions that they feel are threatening, even they're cleverly worded. It's a myth of bad television show plots that people can be controlled by hypnosis. Hypnosis isn't power over somebody else's mind. It's the ability to give them more power over their own mind.

Oddly enough, I could more easily believe a magical spell that "locked away" Ranma's fighting prowess and kept him in female form, because as a plot device it's more true to the spirit of the series: magic can work miracles, wheras hypnosis is too "real world," hence limited. Have you checked out other series where Ranma decides he prefers being a woman, gets married and has kids? Admittedly they involve choice and are therefore vehicles for far less frustration--which seems to be the primary focus of your piece, at least, as I see it at this point--but things like the series, Thy Outward Plot (by Richard Lawson, at http://www.sterman.org/#top) provide an excellent sense of inner development and emotional renewal. The writing is pretty damn good.

May I offer a few grammatical points...? Feel free to ignore 'em, or accept 'em, at your leisure. :) First, don't write *cough* *cough,* etc. Actions within asteriks are only chatroom shorthand. In fiction, you have a much better tool for conveying actions: narrative. It gives you a much broader range of control over text. For instance:

She coughed twice, very weakly, and felt herself only faint from exhaustion. Comamnding her last reserves of strength, she stood up straight and looked the stranger in his eyes. "Who are you?" she asked.

I don't recommend this. I'm just offering it, again, as an example.

Good luck with your piece. :)

Hmm, after looking at the reviews, I find myself agreeing with Saggit, Tofu's methodology seems to be not only unsound from a medical standpoint(adding to the psycholoigal strain of a person who's undergone a recent trauma is never a good idea) it's also a bit unseemly. Of course a question does come up though, you say in your response to Saggit that you're trying to keep the bahaviour in line with how Akane would react in canon. I have to ask how familiar you are with Akane's character? She's got absolutely no domestic skills whatsoever, and her martial arts skills are not up to snuff with the other charaters in the series, but comparatively speaking she's probably much more physically graceful than a typical school girl...BTW, why did you depict her as being out of shape? There's nothing anywhere in cannon that would indicate that she was taxing herself when fighting the morning horde... Which brings up another point that I touched on in my initial review, why is Akane passive against Kuno? She HATES Kuno and she's not too keen on the others either. The truth is that she's quite violent when threatened and her normal response would have been blidingly vicious. It seems to me that you're using these reactions as plot devices to get Ranma to confront his femininity... It's your story, so feel free to do what you like, but I would suggest taking your time and be less "confrontational." There's no reason Ranma couldn't find Akane's body reacting to Tofu in a rather dramatic way, excused him(her)self from the situation, later encountered Kuno, kicked his **, then in the classroom, while reflecting on the fight, found the body reacting in ways it shouldn't. Then you're free to play with his mind to your heart's content. :)

BTW, I noticed some of the other reviewers seem to have reviewed Ch.3, what the hell happened to it?