|Reviews for Black and White|
| NPC200 8/20/12 . chapter 10
Wow that was unexpected (the jedi becoming a shadow guard might be cool)
| Coolz 8/16/12 . chapter 9
I like the idea that you thought of but would a Jedi still stick so firmly to the code after order 66? and even Qui-gon fell in love with Tahl
| NPC200 8/6/12 . chapter 6
Very nice just don't let our beloved smuggler go over the the Rebels too quick.
| Lorendiac 7/18/12 . chapter 1
It's off to a fairly good start, but there was one rough spot that caught my eye. I'll quote the relevant passage.
* * * * *
"Hello," the man slid in beside her. "What's a woman like you looking for in a place like this? Don't you have more expensive tastes?"
"Oh, I can assure you, I have very expensive taste."
"I can see that." Tara held her clenched fists at her sides as his eyes roamed her body.
"Will treasure suit you?" She could smell the alcohol on his breath as he leaned in closer, but she needed to hear so she dipped her head towards him.
"You're a smuggler?" she asked candidly.
* * * * *
Part of their conversation is confusing. Specifically, it's hard to tell who is saying each line of dialogue in the third and fourth paragraphs of the five-paragraph passage I just quoted.
When a paragraph starts with a line of dialogue that is not specifically attributed to anyone - and then the next thing in the paragraph is the mention of "Tara" and what she's doing at the moment - it gives the strong impression that we are focused on Tara in this entire paragraph, and that she is the person who just finished saying the words "I can see that."
Then there's nothing telling us who's saying "Will treasure suit you?" - but since it comes right after the line "I can see that" (which I had finally figured out was spoken by the man, after I took a second look), I was inclined to think that this new line of dialogue, in a new paragraph, must be Tara's reply to the words "I can see that." This impression was supported by the fact that right after the spoken dialogue ("Will treasure suit you?"), the next thing mentioned in that paragraph is "she" (meaning Tara, of course), as if she were the one who had just spoken.
It was only in reading the next paragraph, when Tara asks if the man is a smuggler, that I caught on that the man was the person who had just asked: "Will treasure suit you?" Until then, I thought Tara had said it!
So that conversational passage needs some rewriting so that the reader doesn't have to stop and think: "Huh? Who just said each line of dialogue, here?" Instead the reader should know right away, beyond a reasonable doubt, without stopping to analyze it!
Here's how I might do it:
* * *
"Hello." The man slid in beside her. "What's a woman like you looking for in a place like this? Don't you have more expensive tastes?"
"Oh, I can assure you, I have very expensive tastes."
"I can see that." His eyes roamed her body as he spoke, but he couldn't see that Tara was clenching her fists at her sides, below the table. "Will treasure suit you?"
She could smell the alcohol on his breath as he leaned in closer, but she needed to hear so she dipped her head towards him. "You're a smuggler?" she asked candidly.
* * *
(Granted, I'm just assuming that you want us to imagine Tara's fists as being hidden from the man's view - but I figure it's a likely bet, since you didn't describe him as reacting to those fists at all. Also, I put a period after "Hello" because it only needed a comma at the end of that one-word line of dialogue if there were a speech tag following it, which there wasn't. ("Slid" is not a speech verb.) And I changed Tara's reply from "expensive taste" to "expensive tastes" to make it more consistent with the way he had just asked about her "tastes," plural, in the question to which she responded.)
Anyway: In my version, I believe it's more clear that the "focus" of everything I put in the third paragraph is on the man - he speaks, he looks at Tara admiringly, he speaks again.
In the fourth paragraph, the "focus" is on Tara. She smells his breath, then she asks if he's a smuggler.
| OpticalRacer 7/12/12 . chapter 6
Very good so far. I like reading stories around new original characters, and these are very interesting. I look forward to reading more!
One thing, though, is to watch out for typos.
| DarkJediJade 7/1/12 . chapter 3
Awesome work so far! I look forward to reading more. :)