This story was difficult to read and it took me a long time to finish it, both times I read it. It's just not enticing for me, not sucking me in. But that's just my taste in HP FFs.
Now I've read this story twice, and as I said, it didn't suck me in, so it might be just my inattentiveness that I still don't know what the legend about the Golden Serpent is about or why the Golden Serpent is so important to Voldemorts plans.
Btw., the title is a bit misleading, Adrienne Potter and the Legend of the Golden Serpent would be more fitting, as the Golden Serpent seems to be more about Adrienne than Harry.
Despite using all the clichés your Adrienne isn't a Mary Sue. Can't be one because she's much too flawed.
Yes, she's pretty, she's Potter's long lost twin, she's American, a great dueler and Quidditch player, but she's also a girl which, if she were real, would have very few friends.
The constant back talking to anyone, even those she should pay respect to, whether they are just older or people she deeply cares about is very annoying.
As are her mimics and her general behaviour, her not taking things serious.
To some this might seem cool but the majority of people on the street would either tell her off or avoiding having to deal with her whenever possible.
I do not doubt for a moment that she's a charming, lovable girl, but her flaws are just too much to want her have around permanently.
I very much doubt that even in America teachers will allow a student, no matter how charming or orphaned, to sit in teacher's conference. I doubt that they would keep punishing her with things which do not seem to make any impact on her.
I quite liked the Gallows, Salem and the professors, though Prof. Hartel and Glenn sometimes seem to behave more like quabbling teenagers then adults or even teachers. Now that's perfectly fine when they are alone or around other adults.
But in dealing with a child/teenager they should have learned at university, during their education, that one doesn't quabble in front of students, no matter how much they seem to be family.
Somehow the whole story seems to revolve around Adrienne, which is acceptable, if Harry and friends weren't so lacking.
I can't see Hermione being so bitchy but maybe she was just fed up with Adrienne. I cannot see Harry being so sitting back and do nothing. He's just not the type for this.
They are all, including most teachers, a bit out of char. Which can still make a great story, but not when they are only that much out of char to suit the behaviour of a single person - Adrienne.
For me, too much Adrienne in everything, bending peoples personality to make Adrienne fit in, spoiled the story.
If you ever edit/rewrite this story, which I doubt will happen after 7 years, try to make Adrienne a bit calmer, a bit more likeable. She doesn't have to become as unimportant as Parvati or Colin Creevy, but the story should not only resolve around her. Not in Potterverse, not when Harry is alive and taking the same classes as her.
Many good points and ideas in your story, just too much Adrienne.
I take it back, you aren't making the canon characters any smarter than canon, pity. Now a lot of this is my frustration at the situation but ugh, why are they so stupid! Emotional range of a thimble, absolutely no memory beyond the immediate. I mean, granted Hermione FINALLY made the connection to Harry post third task and yet they did absolutely nothing about it? And, having Harry fight Voldemort in the bubble thing without having V fight makes no sense. How do the Golden Gang not figure out ANYTHING! EVER! I really wish they were real just so I could smack them. And I say that with the believe that you are staying annoyingly faithful to canon. Grah! Stupid, stupid kids! And staff, and Dumbles! Only Snape is seeming remotely intelligent!
You seem to be making the canon characters more intelligent than they actually are (which is a very good thing in my opinion), but why if even Adrienne in a mostly frozen state could think to use magic to help herself (even if it was only with gloves) would Harry not figure to use a warming charm or something similar? Conjure a blanket, transfigure her clothing warmer, whatever?
it's a nice universe you have created. I don't really fancy fics with new characters, personally, because I feel we have quite enough of them in JK's and it (kind of) make the magic gone.
But you have done well for the new universe (American magical community)and the new characters. They are believable to be true.
You also have captured 'real personalities' of the original HP characters. I never once felt that Harry shouldn't say this, Ron shoudn't say that, or Hermione is so stupid.
You got it, right? I mean, they are just the way they should be (which is something that annoys me a lot in other fics)
Still, your Lord Voldemort is too merciful. In my opinion, he never discuss things with others, he forces news with torture and he kills instantly when one tiny little mistake is caused.
I don't know if it's a bit too late to review now that i haven't seen your new pieces from you any more.
I hope you keep up the good work and make improvements on overused phrases, it annoys you when everyone in the story use the same phrases too many times. Other than that, it's a good story that can be even better!
Hmm. This chapter was not as good. I found that it was straining to achieve its purpose rather than flowing with the rest of the story.
I noticed during a certain section (a few paragraphs or something) that you repeat words and phrases often. I think that if I were analyzing poetry, I might call it anaphora (I think . . . I am a few years removed from that course, but I wanted to display my overwhelming knowledge of literary devices). I, too, use this device often in my writing. However, when overused, I think the writing becomes somewhat tedious. So, for prose, keep the repetition of words and phrases to a minimum, unless they REALLY serve a necessary purpose.
In this chapter, you described Adrienne as never previously wanting to become an auror, but suddenly having a gripping urge to pursue that profession. And all I could think was . . . well, at least your vocation was not the call to become the first RomanCatholic priest. Heh.
But, seriously. I still like the story, so I am reviewing multiple times (despite the agedness of the fic. It is always nice to know you and your good works are appreciated).
I realize that this story is seven years old, but I wanted to review the first chapter anyways. I really like your characterization of Adrienne thus far. She is very cute, with the mischief and whatnot. I also enjoy some of your descriptions. In particular, I recall you describing Adrienne tangled in a blanket as her "cloth prison." Or something to that extent.
I like this story so far. I hope the next chapter continues to please me (I have not come across many gratifying fanfics in awhile).
Absoulutely no idea how I ever came across this story, but well done, I really enjoyed it and am hoping for a sequel...
Of course, considering your last update was over five years ago, and your other story is on permanent hiatus, I don't think our chances are very high...
Anyway, it was a shame to leave it as it was... "What if I suddenly embrace Dumbledore as my brother?"
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