What happened to lightning runner!? Where is he? T-T

If I'm correct the "Deleted Scene" will be the eating competition.

Lol, Pinkie in an eating contest sounds awesome.

Your grammar has improved so much since the first chapter. Only spelling mistake I noticed was 'You lover her!' when you meant 'love.' Obviously spell checker isn't going to pick that up, which is why it's important to proofread yourself.

Again, you change tense in one part -Bumblesweet looks almost exactly like Pinkie Pie- when it should be 'looked.' Yeah, I know, tenses kinda suck. You're going pretty good with it, though.

I take back what I said about Conundrum and Rarity last chapter, I didn't realise he was a colt. Now I'm going to guess that Rarity will get with Blockbuster. Sea Salt sounds pretty cool for an old guy, the OCs are definitely getting better.

This chapter was pretty great :) You've made a huge improvement.

-RarityRoyale- Member of Critics United

Hello again :)

Boring grammar stuff:

You change tense for a while at one point, going from past to present tense:

"Thanks" Twilight {says} as they all walked over to the screen. -Should be 'said.'

"Alright, I'll go first." Twilight {says} walking up to the screen. -Ditto.

She sits in front of the screen and it starts to do a count down from ten and Twilight readies herself. It takes a picture and card pops out from underneath it and she takes it. -She sat in front of the screen and it started to do a countdown from ten while Twilight readied herself. It took a picture and a card popped out from underneath. Twilight took it.

Another thing about that sentence: It's really long. Break up really long sentences with lots of 'ands' or the readers will feel like they're running out of breath ;)

Proper review:

Well, it looks like Vanhoover is completely different to everywhere else in Equestria. I like many of the shops around -The Candy Bar (drools) and the Mall of Equestria (drools more) in particular.

One thing I'd like to advise you to do is to describe what's happening more. So using the part above about Twilight getting her picture taken as an example, show us what's going on. When she sat in front of the screen, was it on the floor, or on a chair? If it was a chair, was it a hard wooden stool or did it have a plushy cushion on it? Did she smile for her photo or did she go for the serious look? When the camera took her picture, was the flash too bright? Did it hurt her eyes?

Oh, and another OC is coming, by the looks of it. I like the name Conundrum. I'm going to guess that he will take an interest in Rarity.

-RarityRoyale- Member of Critics United

Much better than your first chapter. However, are previously introduced oc's (Green Locks, for example) going to appear again at some point?

ok lets first start with well every thing is great no errors i can see hmm i got nothing:/

Hey DomoKnight, sorry it took me so long to get around to this.

Grammar Stuff:

Fluttershy sighed as she {tried remembered} what happened. -I think you mean 'tried to remember.'

Rarity asked {as placed} the glass on the nightstand. -As she placed. Be careful with missing words, you do this a lot especially near the beginning. Remember to proofread.

Every time someone different speaks you need to start a new line. So the second paragraph, for example, should be formatted like this:

"How are you feeling, darling?" Rarity asked as placed the glass on the nightstand. Fluttershy peeked from under the pillow and was happy to see her friend,

"Rarity? Could you please speak softly? That is, if you don't mind," Fluttershy said while uncovering herself.

Rarity took notice, "Of course I can, but in any case, how are you feeling?" she whispered.

Fluttershy slowly took the pillow off her head and took a sip of the still fizzing water, "Just awful Rarity, I went to Pinkie's party last night and she gave me a cupcake and then there were lights and," Fluttershy would have continued but Rarity cut her off.

(A side note: Vanhoover. I LOVE THAT.)

Okay, so not much happened in this chapter but it was still important. I take it that Twilight is upset about Pinkie bringing her 'happy cupcakes' onboard the ship? (I love how Spike, Dash and AJ aren't surprised and don't particularly care, too. Very like them.)

So Twilight is going to get with Lightning runner. Is everyone going to come home with a boyfriend or just Twi and Dash? Most people don't like OC pairings, so if you and/or BlackShock are planning on doing the first one they have to be damn good OCs.

I'm interested as to what will happen/who they'll meet when they get to Vanhoover. Just remember to proofread your chapters and take your time with them -no need to rush. Looking forward to yours or BlackShock's next update.

-RarityRoyale- Member of Critics United

My god are you sure your not blackshock on a another account XD good job I will look forward for the next chapter