|Reviews for Welcome to the apocalypse|
| fang-flames13 5/17/13 . chapter 14
YOU HAVE TO UPTDATE WELL SOMETHING LIKE THAT KEEP GOING I THINK I FELT INLOVE WITH THIS STORY SO KEEP GOING PLEASE!?
THANK U KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
| wolfmadmax 2/17/13 . chapter 14
please update soon, love the humor that rain brings to the story. i agree that rain should return in the next movie, but hope she is a good guy this time, even though she played a really goo bad guy.
| Edhla 2/11/13 . chapter 1
Hello :) It's been a while since I played RE, but I'm sure I'll click into this okay :)
Overall, this is a very vivid fic, particularly your visual descriptions. Since you're writing in a video game fandom, that's ideal.
One of the biggest things I noticed was that there are a number of punctuation errors or irregularities- particularly run-on sentences. I haven't read your previous draft, but I'm sure this is better than it was before :) While I have stupidly taken on far too many beta writers as it is and owe reviews all over the place, I'm happy to have a look at this whenever I can and show you where I think the punctuation could be changed to improve meaning, if you like. I won't go into them all here, as I think endless SPaG lists are a bit of a downer in a review and they're more the stuff of proofreading. Still, the offer's there.
Don't feel discouraged by that, by the way- the "nuts and bolts" of writing are by far the *easiest* things to learn about it. You can learn everything there is to know about apostrophes, and still not know how to write...
And I get a sense that you have a very distinct story in your head and that you simply need to polish how you're expressing it so that we can better share in it.
In addition to typical nuts-and-bolts stuff, I would concentrate on Alice, as she seems to be your heroine. I want to know LOTS about Alice. Tell me not just about the action chick; make her human. I want to identify with her as she goes on the journey you're sending her on! :)
In its crux, you have a fine premise for a story here: Alice and Rain are separated. Rain might be infected. How is Alice going to find her? This is simple but very effective. I'm looking forward to seeing how this all plays out in the future. Thank you for writing :)
| Bloom2000 1/29/13 . chapter 14
Nice, action there:)
| Guest 1/27/13 . chapter 14
love this story! thanks for the update:)
| xXPouXx 1/27/13 . chapter 14
Great chapter cant wait for the next :D
| ribby97 1/13/13 . chapter 1
It's immediately noticable that there are quite a lot of errors in this fic. May I suggest you find a beta, as this would greatly improve the overall quality of the fic.
Here's a few I noticed just in the first few paragraphs.
been cogged: being cocked?
mettle been: metal being
across his left upper arm, grabbing the gun: across his left upper arm. Grabbing the gun
There's also a tense error here as the story suddenly switches into present tense.
SPAG aside, the overall fic is quite good, with quite an interesting plotline. It's a shame that, for me, the bad spelling and run-on sentences make it harder to read.
One thing I will say is that I feel very confused as an outsider to the fandom. Obviously you're trying to appeal to Resident Evil fans but it's quite bewildering to have all these characters running around with no real introduction or description of them. It's good to start with action, but you don't really come back from that at all with an explanation of what is going on.
However, judging by your popularity it's obvious you're appealing to the crowd that you're aiming to provide for, and although Spag bugs me, it clearly doesn't annoy other people as much :)
| thats-a-moray 1/10/13 . chapter 1
It's been a long time since I've seen the movie. Still, I had a really difficult time figuring out what's going on here.
You have a lot of run-ons and errors that make this story difficult to read. Try shortening your sentences and using more commas. A few paragraphs in I started having trouble figuring out what was going on. Where are we? What is at stake here?
Adding more sensory details would help. For example, I didn't have a clear picture of what was going on when the licker attacked. It simply breaks into the control room and gets shot. You could add a lot more tension to this scene by slowing down to describe what the licker is doing, how it's behaving, what kind of noises it makes, ect.
| RedheadedMarina 1/10/13 . chapter 1
Interesting beginning to the story. I like how you start with Alice's reaching for the gun, and Rain's response-it pulls us right into the drama and reinforces how much they care about each other.
I think you would benefit greatly by having a beta reader go over your chapters before you publish. There are a lot of simple grammatical/punctuation errors that a beta could help with. Lots of authors, especially in the Reviews Lounge, use a beta regularly.
You have nice descriptions of the action and the environment, which fits nicely with the movie styles (they are very vivid). I appreciate that you show us what we're seeing, hearing, and feeling right along with the characters.
Notes: "I'm not dead yet" was Rains response to the sound of the gun been cogged..." (should be Rain's; do you mean "gun being cocked?")
"unforgettable sound of mettle been ripped apart" (do you mean "metal being ripped apart"? It should be in present tense since we're seeing/hearing it as Alice experiences it. I like that you describe it as an "unforgettable sound", though-it really is).
"Looking over at the briefcase Alice punches in the code taking out another bottle of anti-virus glancing back at Rain who seems to be getting worse by the second without hesitating. Alice slips the bottle securely into the needle gun..." (run on sentence. I think you mean to say that 1) Alice punches in the code without hesitating, 2) takes out another bottle of anti-virus, and 3) checks on Rain, who seems to be getting worse by the second. The way this sentence currently reads indicates that the bottle of anti-virus is glancing back at Rain.)
"...if they go any faster their going to come off the rails!" ("they're (they are) going to come off the rails")
"Three times but still it kept coming, hearing a yell from behind her Alice quickly drops down just as a pile of metal poles fly over her head hitting the licker hard enough to knock it back to the door, grabbing a pole Alice smacks the pole down on the lickers tongue trapping it before quickly picking up another pole raising the pole above the head Alice slams the poll down as the licker manages to realise its tongue only to have Alice pierces it with the pole struggling to keep the licker still, Matt bends down and picks up the gun whilst hearing Alice telling him to open the doors..." (run-on sentence. It seems to me that you're trying to replicate the pace and chaos of the scene in the writing, but dividing the description up into some shorter sentences won't slow down the pace, and will make sure your readers know exactly which character is doing what to whom. You have some great descriptions in here; make sure readers can't miss them!)
"making their way over to Matt over powering Alice" (should be "overpowering")
""His mutating, I want him in the nemesis program." (should be "he's (he is) mutating...")
"Sedate her she's coming with us" (use a period or semicolon after "her" in this sentence).
"But sir she's infected she's…" (add commas after "sir", and "infected").
"Let's see if she's infected take her to the Raccoon City Facility..." (use a period or semicolon after "infected").
| The Death Frisbee 1/10/13 . chapter 1
Hi there! Here from the Reviews Lounge, Too.
I feel like some of the characters are distinct enough, but I'd like to know more about Alice, who's your focal character. Since I'm not in the fandom, I'd like to know more about her other than 'combat badass' to visualize her. Fortunately, I think that's easily rectified, by simply including some details into her actions - give us a sense of her approach to combat, whether she's thoughtful or berserk, or her size versus the enemy combatants, or whatever else you think is crucial to know.
Keep track of what's going on in your plot - you had Rain pass out, wake up, and then pass out again when the masked men arrive, but didn't tell the reader that she'd passed out again. Since you're dealing with a videogame forum, it's crucial that we know what's happening when, since beats of action in the fandom are so quick and tumble atop one another.
Good job starting in medias res, in the middle of the story. You're already starting at a good clip, and it keeps hurtling on. At the same tme, though, keep in mind that your readers can't visualize what you can: The 'As soon as the licker makes its way onto the train' paragraph is full of a lot of action, but would read better if you slowed down and described things rather than just having 'character A does X, character B does Y'-type actions. What are they FEELING? How are they experiencing this combat scene differently from one another? Slow down and get more into the frame of mind of your characters.
Watch your grammar errors - tense errors at the start of the story and spellcheck/proofreading errors (relived breath). Misused wordings: their for they're, his mutating for he's mutating. Misplaced capitalization (Bottle) and improper dialogue formatting. Run-on sentences ("Rain gives a weak smile before sliding down the wall closing her eyes Alice drops to her knees lifting Rain's head") and misphrased wording ("She helplessly watching.") These will distract from the story, and I'd suggest you proofread or beta to ensure that the chapter reads as you want it to read.
Hope this is helpful!
| Guest 12/25/12 . chapter 13
As always great story update soon :)
| Random Junk 12/25/12 . chapter 13
Yay you updated good chapter by the way
Update soon :D
| PooandShu 12/8/12 . chapter 12
you should continue this
| Bloom2000 10/20/12 . chapter 12
I want Claire and alivto be together I mean come on!:(
| juli21 10/19/12 . chapter 12
im in love with this story thanks for updating :)