|Reviews for The Daily Routine of a Vortigaunt|
| Kukapetal 6/16/12 . chapter 1
It's certainly a well-detailed fic and I can tell you put a lot of thought into all the tasks that your character had to do everyday. It was interesting to not only get a look into what the Vortigaunts have to do all day but also get a peek into how the Combine operates behind the scenes...all the little things that need to be taken care of. I did find myself wondering if a workload like this with so little rest and food wouldn't kill someone pretty quickly, but maybe Vortigaunts are tougher.
For some reason, imagining a Vortigaunt squeezing orange juice for the Metrocops strikes me as cute, but then, I've always been rather strange :P
Anyway, if you don't mind some constructive criticism, I would try to get inside your character's head more. Right now, this story read more like a list than like a story. If you gave us some insight into how Xiiro feels, what he thinks, who he interacts with and what they talk about, that sort of thing, we'll be able to get inside his head more and really feel what he's feeling as he goes through his day.
Is he opitimistic? Has he completely given in to despair? Is he cynical? Angry? Does he try to cheer up the others to keep them going or is he one of the ones who needs help getting motivated? Does he think about what his life was like before being a slave? How do the other Vortigaunts around him act and feel about their slavery? Are there any things (however minor and fleeting) that he looks forward to, or things that give him hope? Do the Combine guards and Citizens he encounters say anything to him? Does he get to know any of them at all as he interacts with them everyday? Are some nicer or meaner than others? There are lots of little things you can add in to flesh out his character and routine and make the reader emphathize with him even more.
You could even flesh out parts of his day a little more. For example, you say toward the end that creatures sometimes attack him as he cleans the trucks. Instead, why not have an actual creature attack him? That way, you'd establish that it does happen to him while also really illustrating how frightening/painful/difficult this is for him?
These are just a few ideas to help you flesh out this or future stories. Again, nice work on this one and I hope you'll keep writing.
| C-ron1 6/15/12 . chapter 1
Excellent job mate! it wasn't much of a story but you captured in your own way what you thought all these voriguants had to go through each day while working for the combine! all i can say is that i'm looking forward to more of your shtuff! :D
| Ashes of the Ranger 6/15/12 . chapter 1
I like it, I'd like to see more of these from you.