an interesting start, could be a really good story, but it definitely need some help with the grammar, I would suggest finding a beta who would proof read your story and show you where there are problems, I can't hardly understand the first chapter because of a lack of puncuation and format. I don't want to discourage you, but it need some work, Hopefully you will get these corrected cause it seems like a decent story.

It seems like you have an interesting idea here, but this needs a lot of editing. It is very hard trying to understand what is going on and who is saying what. The first paragraph is especially problematic as it is actually one long run-on sentence. Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm only giving this criticism as I think you could have something really good here. It just needs some more refining. Maybe ask for a beta to help with the editing.

Best Regards,
Koiame