|Reviews for 100 year Terror Sealer|
| Crow-DarkHeart 9/16/12 . chapter 1
Explain why Yin and Yo are nervier in a way you want
| moonlightnight1 8/12/12 . chapter 1
| Cori Crow 7/24/12 . chapter 1
I like it so far, keep on writing!
| LesbianSyrupandWaffles 7/17/12 . chapter 1
I understand this is your first time writing for this series. To be honest, I think you have fairly good premise so far. It's rare for writers to emphasize Yin's darker side and this 100 Year Terror Sealer seems to be quite terrifying.
A good plot so far and if this does involve Yin becoming evil, then violence would be best. I mean, someone who is truly evil kills. Normally in a violent manor. Don't have Yin destroying people in the first few chapters, have her descent into darkness happen at a good pace.
Now for your actual writing. Your spacing is fairly good (I at times tend to mess up in my stories). Sometimes your dialogue is too close together on the same line. Be sure to keep these separated.
Your sentences structure isn't bad but the wording is fairly simplistic and sometimes some of your word usage comes off as odd. For example:
/"Studying for the Wo competition." They both said in the 'we are so getting bored of this' kinda toned./
"'We are so getting bored of this' kinda toned" could be written differently. It's obvious Yin and Yang are bored so perhaps you can try something like this instead:
"Studying for the Wo competition." The twins said in unison, their dull tones making their increasing boredom obvious.
Perhaps that could have a better flow to it.
Also this sentence: "uughgh" Yang groaned.
Be sure to capitalize the beginning of a sentence and I do think that's an odd spelling for a groan. A simple "Ugh" would be fine or maybe you don't have to write out the noise made. You can easily say: Yang groaned.
I do think you use more description. You do describe emotion in very simplistic ways. Instead of just telling us Yin looked terrified, try describing her facial expression:
Yin's cheerful look soon faded to a look horror. Her mouth was agape and her eyes began to widen, starting to feel wet with tears.
Not the best example but try something like that.
Also provide more to the location. I'm guessing they are in the dojo right now but try to give more of a mental image. Maybe it's summer time and the heat is bearing down on them as they read, making it all the more unbearable for them.
Don't go overboard but do make the story more visual then having dialogue. As for your questions, I do believe that providing more information on the Terror Sealer would be good. It'll help readers understand just how bad it can be. A sequel probably won't be necessary if you establish this one well enough.
I do think you did well on the characters. Master Yo may seem careless at times but it makes sense for him to feel nervous for his daughter. Him shoving it off and pretending it doesn't matter would actually be out of character.
It would be interesting to see a story with this kind of plot to continue.
| PenGator3 7/16/12 . chapter 1
So far, it was good for the most part; just stick to this story for now and see how it goes for once. If you're worried about the OOCness go to the Wikia page and watch some YouTube videos just to keep track. Since you mentioned the fearfulness of Yin here, you should really make her the main protagonist but don't give her too much spotlight; after all, she maybe the first person they mention in the title sequence but even she supposed to be an equal to the others. By the way, if you have heard about this cartoon called "Teen Titans" then watch some episodes like Apprentice, Aftershock, Birthmark, and the rest of Season Four to get some ideas flowing. Make the whole 100 Year Terror Sealer thing a mixture of the hundred year war from Avatar: The Last Airbender and the World Wars to be the reason why such horrible things exist along with every nadir from the past centuries as well.