Ok so to Count Mallet I will do corrections once i finish this story which will be quite awhile, since i am planing to have more than 20 and yes i have gave hints on who is Kay's grandfather, look back on ch 2 and part of ch 3 when Kay is describing her nightmare. But thank you for the help i very appreciated but until i finish on what i want to write for the rest of my story i won't do much of my corrections until then. Thank you :)

I was glad to see an update to this story. I'm a bit busier this Spring, but I'm trying to catch up on my reading.

One thing I noticed is mixed tense with verbs. If you write a paragraph in past tense, all the verbs should be in the past as well. Similarly, for a paragraph in the present tense, all the verbs should be in the present tense. Mixing the two together can make the reading a bit awkward.

Also, try to remember what I said in my last review about dialogue. Starting a new paragraph when someone else speaks makes it a lot easier for readers to know who says what.

That said, I'm glad to see the plot advance. I am very curious who Kay's grandfather is. I'm not sure if you've already dropped a hint or if the man's identity is yet to be revealed.

- Count Mallet -

Yay!its really gr8!

I love it. More updates ASAP please.

Wow i been getting a few favs here and i thank u guys for doing that. I am working on ch 3 its almost half done so probably might be done by the end of this month or next month ok :)

:o please update! :DD it's really good so far!

This is an interesting start to the story. Will we learn who Dorothy's husband is at some point? I will check out the next chapter to see if I want to follow this further.

Some suggestions for your writing style:

» Flashbacks can be tricky to include. I included one in one of my stories and wasn't sure how to do it, so I tried to look online for some pointers. Every page I found had different ideas, but they all seemed to agree that using something (start flashback) and (end flashback) should be avoided.

As a possible suggestion for yours, I might consider:
And what a day it been of June 13, 2011. I still remember how my parents woke me up...

That way your writing of present events seamlessly flows into the flashback without the need for the visual indicators.

» Also, when using dialogue, a new paragraph makes it easy to indicate new speakers:

"Grandma, what are you doing up?" Kay asked.

"I wanted to spend some time with my granddaughter before I go to sleep," she replied.

- Count Mallet -

What is the beta key so i can play the game

Once I can use my computer to log in, I'm gonna put this story into my story alert list. I hope you continue this!

OK whoever is reading this I am sorry if this does not make sense for you. I am not much of a good writer but I hope you guys will understand. This is my first Fan Fic.