That was a sweet and adorable chapter! :)

..wow. read all twenty-one chapters of this story, and omg - it's FABULOUS! :)

well i must say i'm glad you could make the story longer and as for hotaru i guess he's ok but i don't really care about him any way great chapter till next message bye

great ch hope for more

Hmm, indeed a troubled past. I like the idea of such devotion, it drives people to do insane things. Like those people from Tibet who put themselves on fire to fight for the independence of their country.

Quite a long explanation, but I feel it will do. As long as she is not constantly whining about it, it will be a well-thought out past. Kira will take care of them, nice touch with his own care for his followers. Kira rewards those who are loyal to him, and punishes those who aren't. It is a common dictator trait.

Watch out with "They're" - They are and Their - referring to a group of people

Where's my cookie! Can't wait for next chapter! :D

[1] Cookie for anyone who remembers this) i'm a fad i don't remember were i read it last it may have been another chapter awal back great chapter like always update when you can till next message bye

I thought Misa had killed her for a moment there... its all good, though.

great ch hope for more

SuperSaiyanHollow,

Did you know? Updating stories with author-note-only content is actually against the site rules. It's good that you replace these with real chapters in due time, but in the meantime you should never update author-note-only content to begin with. The next time you're worried that you've not updated on schedule, don't be; the readers don't mind, they understand that you're a busy person with a life outside this, and the fact is that you shouldn't care about them waiting unless they take the time to message you personally, demanding that you update soon.

Secondly, the immaturity of every one of your 16 years (I'm assuming you're still 16, as you haven't updated your profile page to say otherwise), is actually showing. Yes, I know that parents can be strict sometimes, but they're supposed to be since it's their duty to you as their child to look out for you and keep you safe; when they tighten the reins, it's to keep you on track. I'd much rather have strict parents (or any parents) rather than parents who never took an interest and never cared about what I do. The next time they punish you, think about what they're punishing you for and if you deserve it, and you'll usually find that yes, you did. While deleting your browser history every now and again is a good idea in general, the fact is that you shouldn't have been viewing 'sensitive' imagery in the first place. Complaining about your parents, especially when they're grounding you for watching porn when you're obviously too young for it, is actually petty and immature - this is a site for writing fanfiction. If you want to complain about your hangups, go to facebook, twitter, or wattpad. Leave it at home; let writing be your therapy, not your rant-athon.

I see you want to make it as a writer, but when I look at your work, I don't see that you're making an effort to achieve that goal. If you want to be a writer, you have to write as though you're already one - be professional, mature, deliberate. I know FFN allows us to have author notes, but they're a habit you have to get out of - you're not going to have that luxury, you're not going to be able to depend on them, and any published work with author notes in throughout will never win the Booker Prize. Your use of footnotes, again, is something you HAVE to get out of doing. I've already told you this once before, but those footnotes are a really bad move. They are distracting, they add nothing to the story, and they interrupt the flow. When you interrupt that flow with a footnote, that's it; your reader isn't going to be absorbed as they were before, and after that, the likelihood is that they'll put it down again. While you do seem to have fans, do understand that it's because they're not taking it to be the serious work that EVERYTHING you write should be taken as. If you really insist on those footnotes, I suggest you study how to use them properly - the only work of fiction that has pulled off the art of the footnotes and for the benefit of the story itself is 'House of Leaves' by one Mark Z. Danielewski. If you read it, you'll understand why I really find your footnote use a flagrant abuse of the art of prose itself.
Another way I can tell is the writing itself: It's a little sloppy. You don't take much care to fix your spelling, your grammar, or your sentence structure, and as a writer, you have to be anal-retentive about all of that. I know professionals have editors who help fix their typos, but there's a big difference between a typo and continuous mistakes - typos are the occasional slip through the net when you edit your work; continuous mistakes occur when the writer doesn't know that they've made any mistakes at all. By learning about the proper rules of English, you can sort that out, but you have to be vigilant from now on. I know you're a beta-reader for someone, but until you learn how to sort out your own English, you shouldn't be anywhere near anyone else's work.

All in all, if you want to be a writer, you have a lot to improve on. While you can probably get away with being a writer without much of an ability to structure a fine plot (just look at Stephanie Meyer), you still need to work out all of your kinks, or you will never be taken seriously.

With hope for better work in the future,
End Ruin Suzuki

great ch

It was 2:27 right when Kuro said it was 2:30, lolol. I'm such an insomniac... xD

not bad but your late again as for your Random Question Of Tthe Day i think it's a good team small and simple well till next message bye

I like the team.
It's been a while, yeah, but it was well worth the wait.
Update soon

i love the idea of this. we need a smart girl taking a leading role. death note is so sexist!