This looks promising, update soon :D

Great story, needs some work

This is good! I think it has some potential, but I would try not use 'bro' so much. It gets to repetitive, and makes the story lose some emotional appeal. So just try using a bigger vocabulary. Other than that I think the story is good. :)

Nice I'm liking this way more :D
But just try to put commas and other punctuation marks on the correct places because you're missing some of them; other than that, it's getting better :D