|Reviews for The Dragon Games|
| Somefurry 3/10/13 . chapter 10
Make a freckin' 11 chapter darn it
| Somefurry 3/6/13 . chapter 1
Hey,can you make two dragons named Conner & Rachael there fell in love at first site in a diffrent story Plz. btw Conner is a panlong dragon & Rachael is a ice dragon :) you can change them if you !
| Silver Sleep 3/5/13 . chapter 10
Okay wow I was really surprised by how good this story is! I was bored and curious enough to check if there were any Dragonvale stories, and gods am I glad I was! I love the characterisation, the setting and the 'world' you have here! (And it actually makes me feel bad for entering my Dragons into the Colosseum an Racing XD)
| Sparkvine 2/19/13 . chapter 1
I replaced Chapter 1 with Chapter 3 and nobody noticed. -_- fixed it now, but still.
This may be the last update this fanfic ever gets. I've begun to focus on other things now. Enjoy what you have.
| ComedyMaster333 1/12/13 . chapter 10
Can't wait to read the next chapter! You should have added a part where Crimson was almost blinded by the light after being blinded for a long time.
| Chachi96 12/28/12 . chapter 10
Wow! Randomly looked up Dragonvale on here, and this is the only fanfic for it? That's nuts! I'm gonna have to make one soon xD but anyway, this story rocks! Sure there are a few errors as Mr. Crossed T below me so gratuitously pointed out, but I personally found it very well written in comparison to SOME stories on here. It was a little hard to read at first because there was sooooo much to keep up with, but as the competition boils down, I ca actually picture all 16 dragons in my mind now! Speaking of 16 dragons, the last chapter confused me a bit. There should be 16 dragons but you actually listed 17. However, since the dragon "Par" had no dialogue in chapter 10 I assumed he was just a mistake in the listing, but if it wasn't I would like to know the true 16...oh yeah, and you haven't updated since the end of NOVEMBER! Pleaseeee continue I really want to find out if Crimson will win the Dragon Games! This story has really given me an idea of just what really does go on in the Colosseum in Dragonvale, and I'm almost scared to put my dragons in it anymore! Oh yeah, and one last thing, if you want to add me on Dragonvale, pm me and I'll send you my username. Hope to see many new chapters in the future! :D
| Darkwinter999 12/3/12 . chapter 8
/The baby panlong dragon mewled, looking at its new friend[,] the Earth Dragon[,] for protection./
I notice panlong dragon is lowercase and Earth Dragon is capitalized. Is there a reason for that? You capitalize it later though, so there doesn't appear to be a reason. Also, you're missing two commas because you've just segued to tell us who this friend is.
/The dragon was scary, and just looking at it made her feel eerily cold./
New dragon. As it is, it looks like you're talking about the Panlong.
Nice work making it clear why the first part is in italics and that this is a past event being remembered, rather than a fictional dream or vision of the future. I've noticed a lot of people have difficulty with that, so good work not being one of them.
I notice you use 'look' a lot. Have you tried using synonyms that are a little more specific to convey extra information? Looked just means you used your eyes to see things, but it says nothing else. Searched means you had a goal of something to find when you looked and probably did it methodically. Gazed means you had no particular goal and you stared at something for some time, probably entranced by it. Stared means you watched it a while, probably learning as much as you could about it. You're missing opportunities for easy description with vague verbs like went, looked and said. You add no extra words, but you can impart a lot more information. A really good writer says the most they can in the least number of words.
/Then I've got a chance of getting a medal…and a chance of death./
There's a reason the number 3 can be spelled as three. It's best if you spell numbers and fractions in dialogue; telepathy, thoughts and radio communications all count as dialogue, even though they're often indicated in another way.
/She looked around, seeing the moonlit Colosseum for the first time./
You say that like you mean it literally, and yet later you talk as if she's been at the colosseum for some time, having lived through this hell for months or years. It doesn't make sense.
/A wizard flew, floating by magic, to the central pedestal./
Flying and floating are very different verbs and need to be used carefully when describing the same action. Flight is quick in a purposeful direction unless otherwise specified, but floating is slow, often to the point of being stationary. If the wizard was going fast, I'd change floating to levitating or supported or just removing it completely and saying 'flew by magic'. If the flight was slow, I'd change flying to gliding, which is much slower but suggests largely the same thing.
/They seemed to be preparing something, and Crimson [looked at them with interest]./
See, this is what I mean. 'looked with interest' is more easily said with studied. You can even add 'curiously' to the end to convey more information than what you did write. As you get better and better at describing things in your story, you'll find that it's taking longer and longer to say something, and skills like this will become VERY necessary for maintaining reader interest.
/She watched him for a moment, and he grinned at her. He must be so proud of me! I can't let him down./
I thought she was in hell, being forced to fight with no time to heal all the time. Is this Stockholm Syndrome or something? She has bonded with her torturers and likes them even though they make her hurt all the time?
/"Hey," said a dragon from behind her. She turned, seeing an Ironwood dragon slowly get to its feet./
Why is dragon not capitalized in 'Ironwood dragon' like it is with all the others? And why is this section on a single spaced and not double-spaced like every other new paragraph in this fic?
/Crimson saw that the speaker was a Blue Fire dragon, blinking its eyes./
Another lowercase dragon. Why is that?
/She turned, seeing an Ironwood dragon slowly get to its feet. "Why is it so dark…?"/
Is this dragon really that stupid? This can't be his first night in his entire life, nor does it seem reasonable this is his first night he's ever been awake for given that now suddenly everyone is waking up, like this is normal and usual for them. This makes no sense that he's suddenly forgotten the entire rest of his life and has no clue that the world is dark because it's night because he should've seen night EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. Unless this dragon is too stupid to even understand combat, making him useless as a gladiator, he can't possibly be that dumb.
/In the last few seconds, Fafnir knocked Flurry to the third level There's the smallest chance that he could have been eliminated./
What the heck is this? Aside from missing a period, it looks like you've italicized narration.
/A few distant giggles came, but everyone otherwise stayed silent./
Makes it sound like people were purposely resisting laughing. I'd go with something more along the lines of 'but the joke largely fell flat' or 'there were few takers' or something.
/...Give us ten minutes. We'll use it to prep the dragons."/
Announcers never negotiate with the audience like that. At least, not the professional ones. Maybe some really bad ones that just do it as volunteers or for school functions when they're really principals or teachers, but professional announcers know better. They just tell the audience about how long it'll be and that's that.
/However, Crimson's was on the wall directly next to her./
Her who? You haven't mentioned anyone else in this paragraph yet. And the last person mentioned was an announcer, whom I'm sure didn't have a door next to a dragon. Also, was where the wall was previously specified in an earlier chapter? If not, you ought to. Colosseums have many walls and the last thing your reader was thinking of was the announcer's box, probably somewhere high up in the stands.
/The one night it had rained, it had been amazingly refreshing./
How is rain going to make a freezing dragon happier? Unless it's fire and brimestone, it'll make her colder.
/I just took a chance of life, and it gave me thirteen. /
Um...what? I thought the dragon was put there by others. This sentence is also not written right. I think 'of' is what's wrong.
Those should really be on the same line, separate from Crimson's dialogue and narration. New subject, new paragraph. When someone talks or reacts, the sentence is usually about them, which makes them the subject.
/Before any day, you could be cast out and have your dreams shattered./
Huh? They can be chucked BEFORE the day even begins? From what? You'd think if they lost the previous day they'd be chucked then, which makes it later that day, not before the next day. And who is saying all this? It's pretty obvious this isn't Crimson's thoughts; it sounds more like a memory of someone else telling her this when she first started competing, but you don't say who it was or even indicate it's a memory.
/...and she was stung by magic for a second. As with most spells, it quickly went away./
This makes no sense written as is, so I've repunctuated it.
/We must be pretty high on the walls of the colosseum, she realized./
Why does she seem to be reacting to all this for the first time if she's already been through at least one match?
/The spell! It must have been the translator! /
Okay, it took me about a minute to figure out what the heck that meant. You mean that the spell she got pinged with was a translation spell? You should probably make that more clear. It can be with her thoughts, or narration afterward.
I like that you have her thinking her own dragon language is normal, and the human language is gibberish not even worth repeating to the reader. It makes sense for her character.
/And when I come back-if I come back-I won't be the same./
Lol, you're using hyphens instead of em dashes, which are often represented by two hyphens when the real deal isn't available. A hyphen connects two words or pieces of words like re-redo or awe-struck.
/I have a feeling this one could keep talking for months./
'This one' sounds uncharacteristically elitist of Crimson. She's a simple dragon with fairly simple thoughts. She isn't going to be thinking in terms of reducing other dragons to objects in order to add insult to her thoughts. It's too complex.
/She flew nervously up after [the Ice Dragon that was] number[ed] twelve flew away./
Everything in the brackets is unnecessary, but 'that was' is completely unnecessary for this sentence.
/Crimson thought for a moment; she hadn't given a thought to that yet./
This should be in a new line. You have two people speaking in the same paragraph! It doesn't work well and often leads to confusion. Here it isn't so bad, but other places it's been less clear.
/She looked around desperately; her Breeder caught her eye, and the words came to her./
Having this all together like that makes it feel all run together and squished. Like "Once-upon-a-time-there-was-a-knight-that-saved-a- princess-and-they-got-married-and-lived-happily-ev er-after,the-end." That's not the way to tell a story; you completely ruin it.
/"What do you mean? Why?"/
I think you mean "What do you mean 'why'?" don't you? It doesn't make much sense to me that she'd be asking him why he asked that.
/...called the announcer, calling a Gold Olympus dragon off the pedestal./
This is the first I've seen it, but it's not good having the same word twice in even the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence. Obviously words like if, of, or, and and all those others don't count, but the words that actually say something should be much more spread apart.
/There's so much I don't know, Crimson realized. Before the Games, I didn't know what they were./
What 'they' is she referring to? You haven't identified a 'they' here.
/Flurry was out with speed, causing a flash of blue that turned Crimson's head./
'Was out with speed' is a very odd way to say it. Out in a flash? Charge
| Guest 11/5/12 . chapter 9
Oh my god... This is the most awesome dragonvale fanfic I have read!
It also makes me think about our morals...
Really good fanfic :)
| Toanett 10/23/12 . chapter 1
Loved it... I could see i all happening in my head... Can't wait to read the next chapter :-)
| Anon 10/16/12 . chapter 7
Awesome story and argon games concept! keep going!
| Gustfeather1441 10/15/12 . chapter 7
This is really good! I love how you took the whole Olympics thing to the next level. Awesome! I'm really hoping for a next chapter soon! :D
P.S: I'm kind of a Grammar Nazi, but I couldn't find any corrections to be made. Beautifully written!
| Zilla0128 9/9/12 . chapter 6
This story is great so far! It surprised me Spectra didn't react like the others Crimson defeated, but that was probably because she knew about what happens if you go to far.
On a different note... I've gotten the Blue Moon dragon! Yes! After my third try.
| Dark Shadow 8/5/12 . chapter 3
I've been waiting so LONG! You finally updated! ThankyouthankyuothankyouTHAN KYOU!
Okay excitement rush is over now, but seriously thank you for posting another chapter. I've been checking this story everyday. You couldn't even imagine how ecstatic I was when I saw on other chapter up. I usually don't like to read unfinished stories, but this one caught me. Hook, line, and sinker. Poor crimson. I feel for her, I wouldn't want to, say, make friends then crush their dreams, or purposefully lose to the only other panlong
| Dark shadow 7/29/12 . chapter 2
This is a great story. Unique. I love it. Keep up the good work.