|Reviews for Uncharted: Memories|
| damn-mari 2/9/13 . chapter 1
This is the thing most saddest than I have read. Post more, what happened with the rest?
| Mickeys Swaggmuffins 11/25/12 . chapter 9
| Mickeys Swaggmuffins 11/25/12 . chapter 8
I can't stop laughing. It was hilarious when he pulled out the gun. That was too funny
| AmongXthieves 11/24/12 . chapter 8
Awww freakin drake with the gun xD
| Mickeys Swaggmuffins 11/23/12 . chapter 7
Sooooo beautiful :)
| Mickeys Swaggmuffins 11/23/12 . chapter 6
Yes yes yes! This story is absolutely perfect. Oh my gosh I was waiting for Iria to grow older cause I wanted to see who's personality she would adopt. Nate's is a perfect choice. And that father daughter talk was just sooo awesomely perfect. I can tell Donnie is gonna have a big part in this story. I love this story! Automatic fav
| Amongxthieves 11/23/12 . chapter 6
Lol girl has spunk
| Kirika-Hime 10/20/12 . chapter 3
So I thought I would give your story a go, seeing how the idea is similar to mine. I was curious to see how you approached the 'life after games'/'slice of life'. And I have to be honest, this chapter was a huge disappointment.
You have some great moments! Like your very last line. It's beautiful.
But I feel like you took the easy way out. The set up is very typical, very cliche. The birth of a child is a very emotional one, especially the birth of your first child. I may not have kids myself, but that's what talking to your parents and friends who do have children is for. If you had focused more on the emotions of the characters and less on the dialogue, it would have been better. Like the section where Nate is trying to get Elena to the hospital. You could have described the nerves, the slight tension that was happening between Nate and Elena. You could have a lot more fun with just description.
Another fact that should be brought to your attention is you went a little too medical. It's okay to have some medical facts in there, but I feel you really should have just focused on Nate and Elena. Like there's some really bad images that pop into my mind when I read this : "Elena gave one final scream, and there was a sudden cry as the baby slipped out into the nurses hands." I know that's what happens, but you clearly do not know the horrors that happen during the birthing process. I choose not touch these (when writing my 'child comes into the world' chapters) but since you took the medical path, I have to tell you. When you're baring down to push the baby out of you, you're using the same muscles to push poop out of you. I'm sure you already know what I'm telling you.
The bottom line is it's okay to go a little medical but if you're going to do a large portion of an important chapter like this with the medical as part of the main focus, make sure you better make sure you make the medical accurate. From how you described Elena's journey into labour, she probably would have been sent home. Also, they would have made her walk. Moving around between contractions does help.
And one last thing.
I feel like Nate and Elena fall out of character every now and then. Also, I haven't read your other story so I have no clue who Tom is. You will encounter this when you're writing a filler story. You need to explain who Tom is and how he is related to these canon characters for people who have not read your first story. It doesn't have to be long, it just has to be enough that after the first time Tom shows up that people will know who he is.
I know this seems really nit-picky but I feel like you need to know these things. You have a decent base. My suggestion is take some writing workshops. It will really help your writing.
What I'm saying overall is that you need to focus on description, keeping canon characters as in-character as you can, and that need to know all your facts for chapters or sections that involve medical (or in some cases, historical) details.
Again! You have a good base work! You just need to work on your overall skill. A few good lines of writing will not carry a whole chapter. Especially when the best line is at the end of it. Don't let my critique discourage you from writing. I hope you'll see it as one writer to another trying to help you improve.
If you have any questions, please feel free to PM. I'm willing to help and if you like, I could edit/beta some chapters/sections for you.
| Mickeys Swaggmuffins 10/18/12 . chapter 4
Awwww... So cute! I've always wanted to see a serious Tom and Nate coversation
| GrimmXEchelonXShipperXNut 10/18/12 . chapter 3
I love Nate when he panics. That poor door...xD
Freakin Charlie! lol
| Mickeys Swaggmuffins 10/18/12 . chapter 3
I love how when Nate got the scissors, he didn't know what to do with them. I cracked up
Most perfect chapter ever
| Rainbow Ninja Mizuki 8/16/12 . chapter 2
Woah, woah, woah, I'm sorry, but was that a Librarian reference I just read? Awesome!
| There She Goes And Shes Comin 7/28/12 . chapter 2
It's quite good, well written.
But contact me, I've got some stuff I'd like to say (it's not horrible, don't worry :D) but I don't want to spam your story.
Still, it's interesting. One thing though. I think it's a step backwards in Nate's development to have him wear something around his neck. I know people like it, but it's just the ring again. How long before he becomes obsessed with this one too?
PM me. It is good though, if similar, but I believe you when you say it's not a rip off.