|Reviews for The Frayed Ends of Sanity|
| Guest 11/1/12 . chapter 20
Thanks for your story. Hope to see you back with more Seaquest-fiction soon.
| IrishPanther 10/25/12 . chapter 3
Lovely chapter with Wendy consoling Kristin after the argument, and of course, with Nathan and Kristin making up...glad to see that they made amends before Kristin left! Real intrigued to see what goes down on her voyage and to see if Nathan comes to his senses and actually talk about what is going on with him. No mistakes as usual, so nice work with that! Cannot wait to read more of this!
| IrishPanther 10/13/12 . chapter 2
Ooh c'mon now, do you really have to play with me :(
I don't like the fact that Nathan and Kristin are fighting; alas, all married couples do that, and I do hope that they make up real soon since a new mission is coming upon them. I also wish that Nathan can open up a bit with Kristin; being faithful and honest is the best thing in a marriage in my opinion (please don't ask why I'm putting this down, blame Sociology P)
Ok, with that out of the way, I want to say that I absolutely loved this chapter! Glad to see that you found the original and are now planning on making a whole new story instead of rewriting the old one! :) The way you write tension out is spectacular! No grammar mistakes were founded, so excellent work proofreading! I cannot wait to read more of this and to find out what happens next!
| mirage24 10/12/12 . chapter 2
Arguing in front of the whole Senior Staff? Oh man. Things must be pretty terrible. I love that Tony said that, though, haha. I love him so much! (Maybe I should write that next... eventually.) I hope Dr. Smith DOES talk to her about everything. I'm sure they'll figure out the mystery illness, too. Great chapter and I can't wait to read more! :)
| mirage24 10/12/12 . chapter 1
Right so I totally read chapter 2 before this one, and both without reading the first story, so I'm a bit confused. But I'm used to that with the older stories in this fandom (like the really obscure, haven't heard from that author in 5 years stories) so it was fine and I'll just go back and read the first one :) haha
I only feel bad I didn't read these sooner! I missed the part about why they're suddenly married but I'm sadden to think this mission might end it for Nathan and Kristin. But knowing you, I'm sure you won't let that happen! I never read the original, so this is all new for me. And why doesn't Robert remember, and is he dreaming of the seaQuest crew? Hmm... This should be interesting!
| IrishPanther 9/12/12 . chapter 1
Such a nice little story that I hope you will continue to write out! Yes, I know that this is a re-write (sadly, I never read the original so I though why not read this now), and I know that you are busy with other things and such, but I truly hope you update this because it seems like it is going somewhere!
I do feel bad for Kristin and Nathan, more for Kristin because she wants a baby. I'm guessing that in this AU, Nathan has a son (Robert) and he is having nightmares about him (I do not know why...maybe that's why this is a continuation of your other story...). I do hope that Robert gets to the doctor immediantley, and I hope that Nathan opens up to Kristin about Robert (seeing as how they came to a compromise about opening up)
No grammatical errors were founded here, so nice job with your proofreading! I will wait patiently for an update from this story! :)
P.S.-Sorry if this doesn't fill the requirements that your tag mentioned, but I thought that this story would be best to review since it had the least number of reviews.
| The Death Frisbee 8/16/12 . chapter 1
You're integrating description more, and that's good. I liked the intro paragraphs for Michael's section, which worked especially well. Build on that now, and it will feel more novelistic, particularly as none of the descriptions, when you use them, feel off or misdirected to me.
Try to integrate that description in dialogue too, as people make gestures and facial expressions that can obviously inform what they're saying. Particularly when Nathan and Kristin are having the conversation about whether they want a baby, as that's an especially dramatic situation, I think you can work some more physical cues in there.
I think you can get more drama out of the nightmare. A couple of sentences, not just Robert begging Nathan not to forget him.
At points, you use a few too many repeated wordings - take a look at the 'But Kristin knew' paragraph: something wrong/something different, but she suspected/but Nathan wouldn't say. Only use those repeated wordings for emphasis, because otherwise they will jump out at the reader. Below, you repeat 'ignoring' and 'the thought of it all' in the 'They've noticed Nathan's absence' paragraph as well.
Show; don't tell: looking as though she was in shock.
'He barely even noticed the children are gone' seems to contradict his first question being 'Where are the kids?' - clarify that slightly.
If Michael's mother is dead, why do they need to hurry and get the doctor? Should they be getting the coroner? Disregard if you meant for this to read thus.
You do well at changing perspectives here; Michael's perspective feels suitably different from Kristin's.
The writing in this piece is feeling more descriptive in a lot of good points - so well done there. Work on using that description in dialogue, as mentioned. Hope this helps! SPAG below.
took the test, then Nathan - semicolon is unnecessary
gentle voice/she whispered gently - too closely together; change one
I just wanted a baby so badly; I had really hoped - comma splice
hugs in greeting - reads a bit awkward/stilted to me
you know I love these two - not loved. Unless she doesn't love them anymore. ;)
I'm just really tired; I
I... really shouldn't." - needs ending quote
to no avail - cliche; strike it.
Come on; we need to get the doctor.
| truthsetfree 8/15/12 . chapter 1
I could see this happening in SQ. The tone and pace work great. I never thought of Kristin as that much of a crier, but I guess she must be feeling some extreme emotions in this. The tears in the bedroom scene when she was very frustrated were well explained. Dialogue was great, characterization worked. Well done.
“Nathan and Kristin did test fate many times over the summer to see if a baby was meant to be.”
Something about the phrasing there strikes me as awkward. If it were mine, I’d change it to: “Nathan and Kristin tested fate many times over the summer to see if a baby was meant to be.”
“And it wasn't long before she came home with an early pregnancy test.”
I violate the old English class rule of Thou Shalt Not Begin a Sentence With “And” all the time. However, if it were mine, I’d either put a comma after “be,” or more likely, I’d take out the “And.”
"she muttered sadly. Then without waiting for an answer, she began to pour her heart out. "I know we've only been married a few months, but he's already acting as though it had been years. I know there's a problem, but he won't say. I thought it might be because we thought I was pregnant, and then I wasn't after all. I thought he might be sad.”
If it were mine, I’d replace one of those sads.
“She placed a kiss to his lips.”
I could be wrong, but shouldn’t that be: “She placed a kiss on his lips,” or “She pressed a kiss to his lips?”
“Michael knew her; he'd seen her around the colony.”
If it were mine, I’d take out the word “colony” and give a little more detail on where he’d seen her around. It’s a bit repetitive after the word colony was mentioned twice in one of the previous paragraphs. Also, I’d like to know what level of organization we’re dealing with here in this colony.
Quiet- you use this 7 times that I counted. If it were mine, I’d consider substituting other words for some of them.