|Reviews for Skypeople|
| Noc and NC 9/9/12 . chapter 1
Writing-wise I saw nothing particularly wrong with this story- the balance between dialogue and description was good, and there weren't many grammatical errors or awkward sentences. With that said, I still found it difficult to find this first chapter enjoyable.
I wish you had taken more time to focus on your main character- really focus in on her situation and mindset before having them interact with this fruit god. The god's appearance immediately distracted me and I found Chekiw half as interesting while trying to properly divide my attention between the two, and because Chekiw was only just introduced, I wasn't very interested in her at this point anyways. In comparison to the other gods in the Silverwing universe the LoF also seemed pretty lackluster. I would think that a goddess able to cause famine would also be able to simply sense where one of her worshipers were at any given moment just as Zots had done with Goth, and if not then they must not be all that impressive. They also struggled with fighting a plant. Given that you neglected to give the LoF any sort of physical description makes it even harder to find them believable as a god, and I can't help but picture them as just some regular bat.
There were some other flaws as well- during a long portion of the story you had Chekiw walking, but most bats can't really walk because their pelvis structure is too weak, and this would be even more apparent in fruit bats that have little need to propel themselves via hindquarters, an action normally done by predators. At most they may crawl along on all fours, but not nearly fast enough to follow after a flying guide. Bats also cannot sit, again due to their pelvis structure. They would flop flat on their backs. And Chekiw is only one week old? I can't picture any mother leaving their newborn alone for such a length of time, especially if they can't fly yet. These little things appear small on their own, but together my suspension of disbelief can't hold out.
So your technical skills are good, but I think you need to work on story presentation and sort out the finer details. Give the reader some time to get to know Chekiw on her own before having her go off on an adventure with an apparent god. Make said god more godly, less like a friendly sidekick, and describe them physically. Describe your MC more, tell us her thoughts and feelings, her reasons for being out on her own, things like that. The way it is now, its just a bunch of vaguely established things put together into an introductory chapter that isn't nearly exciting nor informative enough to be as long as it is.
I don't have much practice critiquing others so I tend to be blunt with these things, but I wanted to try to give you helpful words since you went to the trouble of asking me to check this out. Do keep in mind though that this is all just my personal opinion- I am by no means a professional writer and have a very strict 'fanfiction is just a hobby' policy, so you don't have to follow my advice if you don't want to. Keep it up though, you have a lot of potential
P.s. I like Chekiw's name! Feels very suitable for a fruit bat.
| ShadeLivesForever 8/19/12 . chapter 1
That's a nice adventure you got there. Also, your characters have personalities.
Anyway, a few pointers:
-The lord of fruit, or the lady of fruit?
-There are a few grammatical errors
-The last sentence suddenly switches perspective and I found that a little confusing :3
I'd like to see more chapters X3
| Cloud dasher 8/18/12 . chapter 1
nice story my freind