Getting better, but still have a grammer issue.

You still need to find someone to read these over for you, to correct the grammer. Could be a very interestings story, but I'm having difficulty getting past the grammer and lack of capital letters etc.

Great story. Chapters are a bit too short. Can't wait for more. Update soon.

Need to correct the last line. It makes no sense. Need to change her majesty to your majesty . The S and F in San Fransico need to be in caps. You really should have someone go over these chapters before you release them.

Need to check the first line at least. Since you seem to be referring to the Queen the word should be her not his and him to her. Or who is the male you are referring to.