|Reviews for Dark Machine|
| Guest 11/27/12 . chapter 3
This is terrible. You can't write for shit.
| Guest 8/27/12 . chapter 1
Hey bro. This is a fun, playful concept. It definitely needs a lot more body to it. Maybe try to envision how you expand the dialogue so that the audience can understand more about the weight of the situation and so that you can bring more personality to each of the characters. At the moment this would ad up to about 20 seconds of dialogue.
Also, the notes explain clearly that Lily goes to the hospital and finds that Hannah is in a coma and has lost her voice - however the audience will not have the notes so you need to make sure this is not overlooked in the script. Viewers would only understand that Lily traveled to a hospital where she saw Hannah "sleeping". They would not know how serious her condition or even, exactly what that condition was. They need to be informed through dialogue or at least a monologue from Lily.
In the way of dialogue, this chapter needs to be properly completed before anyone can have an idea if you should pursue this further. But you obviously have all the ideas already, which is good. You just need to arrange them on paper so that they could potentially translate to the screen - after all, that is what a script is for. It isn't the production, it just instructs as to how the production should be. To do that you need to be able to translate the idea's in your head as you see them, into written language in a way that someone else can understand and recreate them in a similar way to how you envision them. Enjoy being creative with this!
| Lizzy's Angel 8/27/12 . chapter 1
Hey there Roscoson and how are you? This is a great start and I really want to see what Lilly can do to stop the black and white machine working because I love my world of colours. It would be awful living with no colour. Your story has huge possibilities and I cannot wait to read some more. GO GOOD!