|Reviews for She's The King|
| four-nostril 5/22/13 . chapter 18
First, may I say that I appreciate that you give your chapters headings. Most writers don't, but a heading makes it much easier for a reader to return to where they left off.
I don't know these characters but I quickly gathered that Artemis is more emotional than Setsuna (am I right?), that Setsuna has a strong sense of duty and that they have a long history together.
The chapter deals mainly with past events (Luna being responsible) and future. Are these events known to the reader before? I get the impression that they are. If so, there is not much happening in the present. (That is, unless his confession of love is big news.) Keeping in mind that I have not read the rest, perhaps you could see if the conversation could be accompanied by some more action that mirrors the topics. For example, they drink tea, get up, out of the lobby, sit on the steps. All this is very good, and could be increased. Perhaps add some description of body language, or the reaction of other people. Did anyone overhear the argument? Did they turn their heads to look at Artemis and Setsuna? Or was the lobby deserted, with the angry voices echoing off the walls?
And some small stuff:
-The conversation soon however, turned into a serious one. (However, the conversation soon turned serious.)
-"Artemis sat beside her and leaned (Remove the ")
-Before Setsuna could regrettably answer that (Not perfectly clear. Was the answer going to be regrettable or dis she regret she didn't have time to answer?)
| splendeur 5/15/13 . chapter 18
Hi! I'm from the WA review game.
First of all, let it be known that I know little to nothing about Sailor Moon or any other fandom.
This seemed like an interesting plot-line for a chapter however, and the names of the characters are very cool (I'm assuming they're canon?).
A few things. Your POV seems to be jumping silently from 3rd person omniscient to limited. Usually, that's accepted, but I'm taking about every other sentence. It's not too distracting though, and I was able to figure out what was being said. Second thing, I feel like this story would be greatly improved if you varied your sentence structures a tiny bit. You have a lot of simple and run-on sentences.
Otherwise, this seems like a great story!
| hiddenhibernian 4/27/13 . chapter 18
Slight disclaimer: I’m fandom blind here, so if I step all over your characterization I apologise for that in advance!
The way you describe the conflict between Artemis and Setsuna, leaving it unresolved in this chapter, works really well. You do a great job of showing that they come from completely different points of view, are very unlikely to come to an agreement, but still care enough about each other to actually try to see the other’s side. You also succeed in getting across just how upset Setsuna is, without using a lot of pointers to tell us.
Sometimes your sentences really jump off the page: i.e. ‘We hold the truth to the past’, ‘Because we had to suffer. We should have died a long time ago’, ‘She's dreaming about the first time she met the Prince’. All of those sound slightly lyrical, hinting of what they have lost and what lies beyond. I’d like to see more of this, when it works with the flow of the story!
Overall, the chapter flows well. Since it’s a dialogue-based chapter, the split between mostly dialogue and descriptions works fine.
One thing I would mention about the dialogue is the level of formality. I.e. Artemis says that he told Minako ‘a brief summary’ at the start of the chapter; it seems a somewhat stiff expression to be using in conversation. Depending on how you’d like to portrait him, you could also consider using more contractions as he speaks: i.e. ‘but she’s very intuitive’; ‘That’s another strong feeling I’m picking up’. Unless your intention is for Artemis to sound quite formal, I would recommend using more contractions to make the dialogue sound more like it does when people are talking in real life. There’s not a lot of clear enunciation going on there, usually!
Here are some nitpicks too:
‘The topics about the Moon Kingdom’ – this sounds a little clunky in reference to a normal conversation rather than an academic discussion; maybe ‘they spoke about things they remembered from the Moon kingdom;’ would work better?
‘I am very serious.’ – a surplus comma snuck in
‘For that, I want’ - space
‘Artemis sat beside her and leaned his head against her shoulder’- stray quotation mark at the beginning of the sentence
‘Before Setsuna could regrettably answer that’ – or should it be regretfully?
‘I know right and Usagi are probably asleep ‘ – Rei and Usagi?
‘Artemis, however, said nothing more’ – extra comma
I’m glad that I finally got around to read your story, keep up the good work!
| Lady Elizabeth of New York 4/26/13 . chapter 1
Great story. I'm not too familiar with Sailor Moon but from the little I do know and remember, you did a nice job with these characters. I believe you kept them true. And you are obviously a skilled writer and no stranger to fanfiction. I liked the description and the emotion of this fic. I think that you have written a fantastic piece. The only thing I would like you to change is if you could please, maybe, in an author’s note, remind us what the English names for these girls are.
| sticky 4/26/13 . chapter 18
This story is sooo mysterious.. Looking forward to the revealing of Rei and usagi past. What did Luna do?
| Spikesagitta 4/24/13 . chapter 18
So Luna brought upon the downfall of the the Moon Kingdom huh? And Serenity and Setsuna sounded like lovers.
| candygirl4226 4/24/13 . chapter 18
This is so epic X3
| WolfDragonGod 4/24/13 . chapter 18
great update i can't wait to read more
| Blue-Portrait 4/24/13 . chapter 18
The chapter always get so good and then you leave us with a cliff hanger. I want Luna to go away.
| tototo 4/24/13 . chapter 18
wow. so much emotion within everyone. good chapter! Can't wait for the next one.
| Spikesagitta 4/19/13 . chapter 17
Wait, was Setsuna and Artemis sort of flirting with each other ..? O_o
And yeah, can't wait to meet the Prince.
| Luna Goddess of the Night 4/18/13 . chapter 17
A bit of concrit. May I?
In the early chaps, you had a bit of your dialogue wrong, so to speak. But you fixed it in this chapter. Remember that.
As for thoughts, just take out the quotations. They're not needed. Otherwise, they're already fine.
As for the capslock in alot of areas, that tends to hurt the eyes. Instead, have it at normal font, and describe shouting, yelling, etc.
And as for caps with emphasis you have in alot of areas, just simply italicise them. As for emphasis while thinking, normal font suffices.
And don't have a quotation mark and exclamation point together like the way you do ( ?! !?). Instead, pick one or the other, and use words to describe it.
All in all, this was lovely. You rarely find decent Reisagi stories these days. I find their love to be admirable. And Luna should just accept the love, and not try to ruin it. Good to see the other senshi support them. I do hope for more. Update soon! I'll be keeping an eye on this story, with more concrit in the future.
-Luna, Constructive Criticism Guild
| WolfDragonGod 4/18/13 . chapter 17
| Blue-Portrait 4/18/13 . chapter 17
I can't wait for chibiusa to really know who her parents are.
| SeverusDmitri18 4/18/13 . chapter 17
More chapters please.