I have only praise to give. This is a very interesting piece of work which I hope will continue! I enjoyed reading this, I was leaning forward in my chair a little as I read the story. I will definatley follow. Please continue!

Leaves me wanting to know what happens next! Great story, really good visuals thanks to the descriptive words. A 9 out of 10. Hope you publish more of this story.

Very nice. Would be nice if the longer paragraphs were broken up a bit to make reading a bit easier.
Also noticed a few minor typos, but overall, I'd give it an 8 out of 10.
Nice!