|Reviews for The Midnight Channel Is Back! Seriously!|
| 13TheAce 3/4/13 . chapter 5
Cool design for her Persona. Liked the chapter. Especially liked her reaction to Teddie.
| Guest 1/16/13 . chapter 1
| 13TheAce 12/27/12 . chapter 4
Loving Nanako's and Teddie's relationship in this story. And now Nanako is learning the secrets of the Investigation Team. This is going to be awesome!
| Code-Emperor07 11/13/12 . chapter 3
PLZ UPDATE ASAP. This is BEAR-y awesome :)
| Vampuric Spider 10/4/12 . chapter 3
Interesting story. Like the concept.
| SunFlor 10/1/12 . chapter 2
awww this chapter was so cute! I think I love TeddyxNanako xD Seriously, I really like the way it is going and I cant wait to read the next part of the story...
I cant imagine what is gonna happen next!
Keep up the good work, baby!
Pd: Im the same Sunflor that the las time, but i was too lazy to log in
| RedTuna 9/20/12 . chapter 1
I like it :)
You develop the characters' feelings well and it flows great, even with the changing POVs.
The only thing is that some of the English/grammar is off. If you want I could fix them for you.
Can't wait to see the next chapter!
| Michael Lindemann 9/19/12 . chapter 1
First things first, I wouldn't recommend starting with, “I'm so-and-so, and here, let me bore you with my (probably uneventful) life.” We already know Nanako and info dumps are never awesome.
“I go to Yosogami high school.” Should be Yasogami.
You also say that it is Kanji's “3 year of high school”. Either you meant college, or you're really confused on the ages.
“Kanji-Kun still hepls out at his Mom's textile shop”
The “k” on “kun” doesn't need to be capitalized and you switched the “p” and the “l” in “helps”.
You also keep saying “Nato-kun” or “Nato-chan” and I can't tell if Nanako is dropping the first “o” as part of a nickname or not.
“Luckily for me even though, I still have my most trusted and best friend Teddie with me to keep me company so I'm not lonely. Teddie now goes to the same highschool I go to but, he a 2nd year.”
I'm trying to figure out why you put “even though” in there and it's not working. If it doesn't have a purpose, cut those two words out. It also seems Nanako has an aversion to the contraction “he's”. It should be “he's a 2nd year”. Something like this also exists in the paragraph earlier in the story, too, I believe.
“Ted you're going to school weither you like it or not, you'll be fine.”
Should be “whether”.
“But nope for once Yosuke-kun put his foot down and said”
There should be a comma after “said”. As for Teddie not wanting to go to school, that seems rather out of character, in my opinion. After all, he very willingly joined the cross dressing contest, so I think he'd be ecstatic about going, especially if he'd be going to school with Nanako. Though I imagine he wouldn't be happy they weren't in the same class. Haha.
“Teddie got really happy when heard I would be a 1st year at his school.”
I believe you have a word missing in this sentence.
However, your timeline seems really... out there, to say the least. Yosuke tells Teddie /before he graduates/ that he's going to be going to school? Teddie has the (human) body of a teenager and unless he finds some way to change that, he'd have graduated probably before Nanako made it to middle school, unless he attended elementary/middle school first, having never been in school before.
“School had finally ended and I decided to head straight home so I could make dinner before my dad got home, when I heard a familiar voice call me from behind, it was none other than Teddie, my trusted and loyal best friend, who I secretly had feelings for.”
You have a lot going on in this sentence; I suggest reworking the sentence so it doesn't have so much going on or separating it into two, either with a period, a semi-colon or an em-dash. The last bit about Teddie being her best friend who she's got a crush on is redundant—you established that in the introduction. I suggest editing it out of one place or the other instead of just repeating it.
The first paragraph of the actual story should actually be about four. When you switch speakers, you make a new paragraph. That's one of several ways to determine when to make paragraphs.
“Teddie gave me a smile that made my heart melt into butter. It's kind of weird now that I think about it, everytime Teddie gives me that smile I know that, that smile is only ment for me and me alone and no one else get's to see this smile, it makes me so happy.”
I would rewrite this like so:
“Teddie gave me a smile that made my heart melt into butter. It's kind of weird now that I think about it: Every time Teddie gives me that smile, I know that that smile is only meant for me and me alone and no one else gets to see this smile. It makes me so happy.”
To explain, the sentence where she says it's “kind of weird” is independent from “every time Teddie gives me that smile”. A colon would be appropriate, as would a period or an em-dash. It should also be “every time”—it's two words, not one, but that's a very common mistake. I also get the feeling you're using your word processor's grammar check, judging by the “that, that smile” bit. It's correct without the comma. Double words don't always require a comma.
“but I know I couldn't I didn't want to freak Teddie out or do something that could make our relationship akward”
You switch tenses here. You should write “knew” instead of “know”. Also, “awkward,” not “akward”.
You also have some sort of love for comma splices that I don't. In case you don't know, this is a comma splice: “Even though I know Teddie was waiting for an answer I couldn't help but admire his cute face, a blush appeared on my cheeks.” These are two sentences. See where the comma is? Use an em-dash, a semi-colon or a period instead of a comma. Comma splices can be a huge problem and while they do have their place, usually they're just irksome.
"I'm sure my dad won't mind, it's not like you're some totally random hot boy or-" I gasped at what I just said, 'Did I just say Teddie was hot?'
Personally, I thought it sounded like, “It's not like your hot or anything.” Typeface (such as bold and italics) helps to convey the meaning you're going for. I think italicizing “totally random” would help with this.
"You think I'm "hot" Nana-chan?"
Suggestion: When doing this, where Teddie is kinda “quoting” Nanako, use single quotations/apostrophes/whatever you prefer calling them instead. Double quotations inside double quotations can be trippier to look at than single quotations in double quotations.
“I didn't need to finish the sentence he knew exactly what I ment,”
“Meant”, not “ment”.
"So your not sure if you like me in a "hot stud" kind of way right?"
That should be “you're” not “your”. “You're” is a contraction of “you are”, while “your” is possessive.
To sum that monster of a review up, you have a solid idea here, but you need to double/triple check what you're writing or possibly get a beta reader. You should also work more on Nanako and Teddie's relationship; it feels very flat. “I have a secret crush on him. Wow, you're hot. Oh no, I just said that. I don't know how I feel about you.” Spread that out. Does that /need/ to come out in the first chapter? I imagine Teddie would be especially confused, considering what he is and that he never would've felt that sort of love before. I'll watch your story for now and see where it goes, so I'll be looking forward to your next update!
| SunFlor 9/19/12 . chapter 1
Oh my god! Absolutely loved it! My, my! I Cant express myself how wonderful it was
I always thought that those two had to be together! You did it so sweet I think I love Teddie too _ (oh nono, Yosuke will always be the love of my life :D)
Whatever, You HAVE to keep up the good work! I will be looking foward to reading the next chapter so hard!
(Sorry for my english, Argentinian here!)