|Reviews for The Warriors of Death|
| IsobelFrances 4/2/13 . chapter 12
UPDATE SOOON PLEASE! I love this story!
| Legkicker 12/28/12 . chapter 11
Happy new year!
Great chapter here YingYang, very well written and descriptive. It flows nicely too, although I want to see more of the arena!
Hopefully Andrews separates from the careers, he's being a Peeta again...
Looks like Rhoswen is pretty stable for now, she's in a good spot.
Anyway, not much critique.
All I can say is when you use "as" it is intended to be used a conjunction. Rather than starting a new sentence, use it to combine two clauses. The dialogue makes it confusing I realize, but try to make it combined. Or just re-word it, which would probably work best.
Hope you had a great Christmas! Looking forward to more updates!
| Legkicker 12/6/12 . chapter 10
Yay, you updated it! I was waiting for this.
I hope Andrews turns out to be a cold-hearted killer, taking down tributes left and right. I hated him at first, but I feel he's gonna' be a damn good fighter.
Rhoswen seems intent on doing the same, killing like it's her day job. We will see how she handles the arena, she has enough courage to charge the cornucopia, so that's a start.
Anyway, great chapter. The structure of the story is improving a lot; it's much more easier to read now. You have good paragraph setups and use dialogue appropriately as well. The different scenes are also transitioning very smoothly now, and the story is easy to follow.
One thing I noticed is you like to leave out "I" a lot.
Example: "Turn off the shower."
Should be: "I turn off the shower."
I realize it may seem like you use "I" a lot in your story, but that is normal and nothing to worry about.
And the only other thing I didn't like very much was the conversation between Lucian and Rhoswen at the end.
He said: "'And Remember. I'm not allowed to bet, if I could...I would bet on you.' Lucian said, smiling so confidently."
I know I'm picky about this stuff, and you know this wasn't getting past me haha. Oh well, there's not much more you can get from the actual book now since they're in the arena.
I'll be waiting for the next update, please update it soon!
| Legkicker 11/26/12 . chapter 9
I thought this chapter was great! The flashback was awesome, and the way Gale's instructions echoed in her mind while she was shooting archery really sealed in the effect! Awesome idea and I give you big props for that creativity!
Now I'm starting to see the originality of your story, and I can't wait until they're in the arena. I'm all caught up now, which is a shame considering I am interested in reading more (like right now!).
I don't know what to think about Andrews, I just hope he lives until the end. Or that he never dies at all, but it's hard to come up with an original idea to keep more than one tribute alive. I trust you can do it, but if you plan on just Rhoswen winning, I wouldn't mind...perhaps Andrews saves her via sacrifice or something.
Not many mistakes here either, just a few sentence structure issues. Really good work! I hope the writer's block passes, it can be a real pain...I noticed you started up a new Harry Potter fanfic, sorry that I'm not familiar enough with that series or I would review that story as well.
Oh well, I'll be lined up to be your first review on the next chapter of this story! Please don't keep me waiting too long.
| Legkicker 11/25/12 . chapter 8
Cool, I liked seeing Gales perspective, I was afraid I'd never hear from him or Jenny again. Very nice touch with him being angered at the sight of Andrews kissing Rhoswen.
There are still quite a few tense changes and missed punctuation marks, but not too bad.
Although, one thing...I am afraid this is still dangerously close to the actual book in some parts. The hand-holding was almost exactly the same..especially since Haymitch approved of it in the same manner. But what worries me even more is that Andrews is pulling a "Peeta" by making an alliance with the careers. Oh well, that's just me being nit-picky.
I'll see what happens when they get into the arena, I know you have a bunch of unique surprises in store! I hope Rhoswen dominates!
You'll hear from me again soon,
| Legkicker 11/24/12 . chapter 7
Neat, we got to see a bit more character development with Andrews. He seems a bit cocky, but that attitude should do him well once he's in the arena.
Rhoswen Goodwin, the Roman Candle is creative, good job!
Not much to pick-out with this chapter, most of the grammar and spelling was good. Only a few parts were like the book, such as the stylists shouting out about the hand holding. But otherwise it was original with the firework display and all.
Good chapter, I'll read the next one soon. I'm almost all caught up, then I can beg for updates haha!
| Legkicker 11/18/12 . chapter 6
Good chapter, but try to keep this separate from the actual Hunger Games book. There are a lot of similarities, and in fact some parts you literally got from the book.
Kind of why I just jumped right into the day before the H-Games in my story.
But you can make this work.
I like the Avox scene, I didn't see that coming and I found it to be very creative. I hope Andrews doesn't stay arrogant too long, he'd make a bad tribute and horrible ally if he did.
1. Lot of grammatical errors in this chapter, and a lot of missed punctuation. You need to spend more time proofreading.
2. You seem to use ellipses rather than combining sentences.
An example: "A small knife...had poked in my back pocket."
Should be: "I slipped a small knife into my back pocket."
Another example I found important: "I got out the knife...he will die before the games had even started... I stormed inside his bed chamber."
That's a small paragraph connected with ellipses. Ellipses are powerful, I love to use them, but you have to use them correctly or they lose effect.
If you really wanted to use one there, try: "I unsheathed the knife, gripping it so tightly my knuckles turned white...either he returns my mother's dress or he'll be dead before the games even begin. I slammed open the door to his bed chamber and stormed inside...
Otherwise, it was a good chapter and I look forward to reading the next one. Expect another review soon!
| Legkicker 11/14/12 . chapter 5
Very impressive! I liked how much better the writing has become! I can see more effort has been put into it, and noticed you changed the last chapter. Very nice.
Will Gale be in the story at all anymore? Or are you focusing the romance on Andrews? Whatever happens I'm sure it will be interesting!
1. Some sentence structure revisions could do some good, and grammatical fixes. But as I said, it is SO much better than the previous chapters.
2. You still have a few tense switches.
You wrote: "It agreed badly with the squirrel stew we have for lunch."
Should be: "It agreed badly with the squirrel stew we HAD for lunch."
Don't worry, those are tricky to catch. One time, I wrote a story 5 chapters in past tense, and the rest of the story I wrote in present tense! Man, there was no fixing that mistake...
Keep up the good work, I'll read some more chapters soon!
| Legkicker 11/12/12 . chapter 4
Wow, so Gale isn't volunteering? Shocker, I actually expected him to either be reaped or volunteer. I guess it's more like the actual book now, considering you don't meet Peeta until the reaping either...
Man, Gale always knows how to mess up, doesn't he?
Oh well, not a bad chapter and I guess I'll be waiting to see who this Andrews character is. I just hope he isn't like Peeta...that would be boring. I mean, come on, that's just like rewriting the book with different character names.
It would be unique if he was a silent BA with a motive to kill all and everything, returning home to his District for his own sake and nobody else. But he keeps Rhoswen alive as well.
Now, as for writing.
1. Be careful with tenses! Many times throughout this chapter, you switched from present tense to past tense. It makes it difficult to read.
For example: "Me and Andrews shook hands...something about his hand is so warm."
It should be: "Me and Andrews shook hands...something about his hand WAS so warm."
Although, a better way to write it would be: "I slowly extended a trembling hand, offering to shake his. His eyes met mine, the faintest glow inside, something about them sympathetic yet reassuring. Gently, he took my hand and gave it a light shake. When he released, I noticed just how warm his touch was and how cold I felt without his palm in mine."
Otherwise, not bad, I see this story getting better each chapter. Truthfully, the best advice I can give you is: take your time! Obviously this is your main story, so make it count.
If you ever want some tips, help, anything, just let me know! I could even beta for you, and you wouldn't owe me anything in return!
I'll read more soon!
(P.S. I saw the "Slender Games", it was pretty funny. I like the end where the guy says he gets you even if you lose haha!)
| Legkicker 11/5/12 . chapter 3
Good chapter, I like the change in the story. I guess that Rhoswen will get reaped, and so will Gale? Or one volunteers for the other?
Either way, the updated Description of the story kind of explains it.
I like the dialogue, but sometimes it is hard to understand who is talking. And there are a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing too serious. I just suggest a bit more thorough proofreading on your chapters.
All in all, good chapter!
I'll read another one here soon,
| Legkicker 10/18/12 . chapter 2
Decent little chapter, could use some improvement...but hey, what story couldn't use a little fixing up?
I like how you're using quotation marks instead of apostrophes for dialogue now, very glad to see that.
Also, I enjoy the little group setup here, they're all great characters and are developing very nicely! I like Jenny, I can't count how many girls she reminds me of at my school...
Not bad vocabulary and word-use, you use words like "Scowled", "Grimaced", "Gawked," and those are all great words for painting a picture of the characters facial expression in the readers mind!
I haven't read the later chapters yet, but I glossed over them and I'm very pleased with the transitions. You started utilizing the horizontal line and bold feature, which makes it faster and easier for the reader!
A lot has improved and this story is becoming a really fun read, keep it up!
| Legkicker 9/30/12 . chapter 1
Sorry I took so long!
Anyway, cool concept for a story. I guess it's set to a different tone than the Hunger Games, more like modern time instead of the future but still with the Hunger. If that makes sense...
So Katniss won't be in the story? That's fine as long as she isn't dead or anything!
Liking the new characters too, they're all a bit unique.
1. Check you word use, 'ensnare' is a verb while 'snare' is a noun. As in, "I used a 'snare' to 'ensnare' the animal."
2. Try to use quotations for dialogue instead of apostrophes, " not '.
3. Sentence structure, "His physique is that he's thin and he has a few muscles here [and] there." Instead, try to be a bit more fluent, "He has a thin structure accompanied by a few well-defined muscles."
4. Make use of the editing tools. For scene changes, try using the horizontal line or bold the first word of the new scene. It helps for transitions like when you changed from being at school to being in the woods.
5. Keep up the good work!
I'll review the next chapter soon,