|Reviews for The Five Of Us|
| Kiterious 12/21/12 . chapter 13
Yeah, sorry about not reviewing the last three chapters sooner. Partially because I've been busy with school, but also kinda because I was mad at you for the... incident with Amunet. I'm better now. Mostly.
I really liked the Bakura being possessed scene actually. And I agree completely with everything in that rant at the end there. That's how I see it too, it's nice to know my theories and views aren't crazy!
| CraftyLion 12/17/12 . chapter 13
Wonderful! They got rid of the ring, got ride of their problems temporarily, AND they didn't get sent straight to the pharaoh with their tails tucked under their asses! Great!
Not that Bakura would ever do such a thing like that anyway.
It seemed a bit unfair that Teana had to old the Ring until they sold it. I mean, she has had her fair share of grief too. But, as explained, it's not nearly as bad as Ryou's or Bakura.
There has absolutely GOT to be plan here for them to be around the palace again. There were a few loose ends that I wanna know the answers too! What happened to the would-be Millenium Item holders? What about Marik? (Malik? I .. can't remember).
I agree with you on your idea of Thief King Bakura's character. He was definite possessed on some level.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
| CraftyLion 12/17/12 . chapter 12
This chapter was fun! I mean, fun to read; not fun for Ryou. I guess getting away from the city is pissing the little demon of the Ring off; it doesn't want to leave!
I like the insertion of the nightmares. It packs a powerful physical and psychological punch. I feel bad for Ryou though. He loses his sister, and then he's targeted by the Ring? Poor guy doesn't get a break!
Clever Teana to figure out the source of the problem!
Your grammar and spelling are starting to slip a bit. You spelled 'buried' as 'berried,' 'definitely' as 'defiantly,' and 'private' as 'privet.'
I just wanted to point that stuff out if you have time to go back and correct them.
| CraftyLion 12/17/12 . chapter 11
I'm at that phase of studying where it's the night before the exam and I've studied all week and I decided, "Screw studying; I'm taking a well deserved break." (Which isn't so well deserved, since I've been giving myself breaks a lot XD)
Regardless, here I am! I can finally sit down and review this wonderful story.
First, I would like to say that I'm very happy with how you carried the sadness over from the last chapter. I mean, I'm not happy that you killed Amunet, but ... This chapter wasn't just, "Oh, Amunet died. That's a shame. Moving onto the next subplot!" I can see her dead affecting Ryou for the rest of this story.
I also like the raw emotion that you express when Ryou accuses Bakura of not understanding and then Bakura retorts back, "Don't I?" It reminds you of the horrible tragedy that they all faced.
At the same time ... I feel like Amunet's death is ... I don't want to say it has a bigger impact on them, but I do think it's on the same level as the massacre. I mean, she was part of the group that survived the attack and then ... she died :( Ryou's alternating grief, anger, and listlessness was very real and well done.
And then there's hope! Kisara has been seen; Kisara is a known figure; they're on the search for Kisara!
I really like Mokuba's cameo - Moki was super cute! I love him already; I'm hoping we see more of him?
As a side note - I'm confused; is Set the older brother of Moki in this fiction? And, if he is, why are they in street clothes? Or is Moki and his brother a different set of Mokuba/Seto? (I haven't gotten to the Egyptian arc yet, so if it's explained there ... my bad.)
I liked the reunion between Teana and Kisara. It was heartwarming, but really sad :( We aren't going to see her again? Ever? Just when they think they're getting her back, she goes and runs away.
In my opinion, I think Kisara's being a little selfish. I mean, she could at least stop her destiny for a few moments and reconnect with her old friends. :\ But let's see how this plays out.
Thank you for the chapter! I'm sorry for the delayed review!
| shadowxdragon 12/14/12 . chapter 6
Nice Job! Is the reference to Ryou's wound in Season 0 from the RPG Monster World game?
| pancakes-are-not-for-throwing 12/11/12 . chapter 12
sorry i dont review much until the storys done, but im imensley happy that you update so well and the story is coming along nicely! 3
| pancakes-are-not-for-throwing 12/2/12 . chapter 10
... your writing is so amazing and passionate i cant help crying, i have never read a style of writing like this distinct and beautiful. you made this story come to life i love it. cant wait for the next chapter.
| Kiterious 11/12/12 . chapter 10
But... but Amunet was supposed to be safe, that's why she was there! I'm literally crying right now. Poor Amunet...
| CraftyLion 11/11/12 . chapter 10
You, my friend, should be filled with both pride and shame.
You have, literally, moved me to tears. I am, no exaggeration, sitting here with a box of tissues (which is convenient; I have terrible allergies right now. I don't always just sit around with a box of tissues). I don't think I have ever cried because of a fanfiction before. Been extremely depressed, sad, miserable, even for days after reading, but never actually cried legit tears. For that, I give you kudos.
... But ... HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! Why? Amunet, she ... oh my gosh. That moment when you said that the guards had been coming "from the place we had hidden Amunet," I had a fleeting moment of dread, but then I thought, "She wouldn't do that. I mean, Amunet is important; she's the baby that every one loves."
But then the blood. The water... my heart was breaking for Ryou. You described her dead body and it absolutely killed me. I hope you're happy; you've killed me along with Amunet. Then again, a little bit of me dies every day. Perhaps I'll survive another chapter.
I'm just in absolute shock over this horrible, wretched, breath taking, gut wrenching turn of events. And to make it worse, you ended it with ... "The three of us."
I bawled my eyes out.
*sniffs* But I did like the beginning. I noticed something was a little different with your style, but it wasn't until after you started writing in Ryou's point of view again that I realized the first part of the story was told more from a Bakura third person view. And it was CLEVER! We got to see a little bit into our lovely thief's mind. So he likes people who are unbreakable. Or, in the very least, those who can at least keep themselves from breaking in public. His interaction with Malik was interesting. I'm curious myself to see what it is about the 'palace boy' that attracts Bakura to him.
Also, Malik's reason for hating the pharaoh just shot down my theory from the previous chapter. Oh well.
I cannot describe in words how powerful you make the Ring and how much influence it can have on a person. If you were wearing that thing around your neck all the time, you could be persuaded to murder a whole village. ... Irony. -.-
Overall: Excellent chapter. Need I say it any more? It should just be a given. Despite the sadness, there was a wonderful sense of adventure and exhilaration. I'm excited to see what else you could possibly have in store.
| CraftyLion 11/11/12 . chapter 9
Unfortunately, I'm going to start off a little harsh sounding and give you some critiques (on the plus side, I'll spend the next three quarters of the review giving nothing but well deserved praises!).
My big (and only) problem with this chapter was the grammar and punctuation (or lack there of), and the occasional spelling error.
When writing a chapter, the main goal is not to appease the readers (that's more of a bonus); it's to write and post a good and well written chapter. (Good god, that sounds redundant). I think you should just take an extra few minutes to read over the chapter and catch any last minute mistakes before you post it. I can point out the specific problems in an email or a PM, but as a general overview:
There were various points where you started off dialogue with lower case letters - Bakura huffed, "typical. While people are dieing of thirst the Pharaoh'd plants don't go dry,"
As I mentioned before, I saw some spelling errors as well, such as "dieing," and I think you wrote "persists" instead of "priests" at one point.
I also saw places that needed commas and periods.
Again, as a friendly note, I think you should give your chapters another once over before posting, or have a second pair of eyes give it a looksie. Two heads are better than one and all that jazz.
That being said, the occasional error is totally okay. I myself am renowned for my, "Fuck, how come I didn't see that mistake" moments. :/
Good! That's over. I'm no good at sounding harsh (when I don't want to be), and I dislike critiquing people. Makes me think I'm sounding pretentious. I'm not trying to be. Onto the plot!
I was able to recognize Seto and Isis, but I didn't figure out who the third one was until you mentioned it at the end. I have also not reached that part of the series. . I have no time ...
Anyway, I find it incredibly amusing to imagine Seto being any kind of nervous. I mean, this is Seto Kaiba we're talking about, albeit, a past incarnation of him. From the few clips and just my imagination, I always figured him to be an over confident, gets-under-my-skin type of guy.
"He has a blue eyes white dragon, just like me! And he's an asshole, just like me!"
(Random YGOTAS reference. Herp derp.)
From your description of Atem, the pharaoh's son is a smaller, weak-looking, not-able-to-fend-off-Bakura person, right? Right?! (I'm biased; I love all things Bakura and, thus, prefer not to think about the fact that Atem is supposed to symbolize all things good).
I can't even imagine the hatred and feelings of disgust that Teana, Bakura, and Ryou have when they saw the Millenium Items. It must be truly awful.
My favourite part of the "Waving to the Crowds" scene was the fact that Amunet waved back to the pharaoh, and then giggled when Bakura reminded her to slit his throat. If she wasn't as young and clearly on the slower side, I would have screamed multiple personality disorder, haha.
Your scenery, as always, was BEAUTIFUL! At least, I visualize them as beautiful. I especially like the garden with the statues of Horus, Isis, and Osiris. That room just sounds absolutely gorgeous.
Onto the characters! There's only one new character here - not that he's really new. Malik is just more ... looked into. At first, I won't lie, I was siding with Ryou in that Malik seemed oddly suspicious. "Walk in the water." One would think that it would make more noise. But then Malik has to go and be all "Yeah, no, it's quieter. Suck that." *shakes fist*
His requests were interesting. Let me focus on the first one: He says that he wants Amunet to be left behind because he doesn't trust that she won't get caught. She's been the companion of these other three for lo these many years. How could he possibly think that she would get caught? Besides, she is basically attached to the hips of either Teana or Ryou.
However, I think it is for the better that she hides. After all, we don't want to accidentally lose another Rag Tag family member, least of all her.
The second request: I have a theory - if the Tauk is taken, obviously Isis will not receive it. Assuming that Isis was raised and trained to handle the Tauk, if it's not there to be given, is there any reason for her to be at the palace? With no Tauk to receive, Isis would be dismissed and, with her, her family. Is that correct?
Or is this some kind of loyalty on Malik's part? OR! Does he want her to have the Tauk because he knows that she can see the future with it? Does he want to see a specific something? Oooh, I want to find out. (Lucky for me, I can just read the next chapter right away).
I really liked the ending, especially the fact that Bakura put Amunet in the little niche, and that he gave her a reassuring squeeze (as Ryou thought he saw). Have I mentioned before how much I like the relationships between these four? I really enjoy reading the brotherly bond between Bakura and Ryou, but I like this one between Bakura and Amunet better. It's like they are two halves of a whole - Bakura's the red man with horns, and Amunet is the angel with wings. (Funny image: Ryou is the normal person with Bakura and Amunet on either shoulder XD)
Bakura cares for Amunet, no matter what he might say or do to the contrary. It's obviously in a "I will protect you, no matter what," type of caring. In all, it's very sweet.
This is a wonderful chapter and is up to par with your other ones, plot and characterization, and description wise. Thank you so much! To the next one!
| Kiterious 11/8/12 . chapter 9
I love how happy Amunet is all the time, and how she can go from laughing with Bakura about killing the Pharaoh to waving at him with the rest of the crowd. She's adorable!
Good, Amunet gets to stay behind and be safe! That's reassuring. I hope the rest of the group will be safe too...
I recognized the three future item-holders right away! Nice cameos there.
I hope FF is finished being stupid and will actually post this...
| RedShadowThief 11/8/12 . chapter 9
An update! So soon! You have no idea how much joy this brings me :)
I am loving how you fold new characters into the story so effortlessly (at least, it comes off effortlessly). The trio at the beginning were subtle, but obvious enough to give away their identites. It's kinda silly, but I enjoy entertaining the idea that Seto could be nervous about anything.
I continue to absolutely adore the way that your main characters interact with one another. I've seen some stories with casts so big that characters are left out and forgotten, but here they all have time to give their two cents (and then some).
Furthermore, I realized after I posted my last review that I forgot to mention how much I like your version of the story of Bakura's scar. And poor Ryou, no escaping the fun for him! The refrence is wonderful - truly - it adds to the authenticity that you have established for your story. :)
I am split down the middle with how I feel about Malik. Bakura seems very eager to trust him (or, dare I say, desperate?) but I'm kind of leaning more to Ryou's side on the matter. I wonder what sort of deal (if any) Bakura made with him in order to gain access to the palace. I sort of also have a hard time believing that Bakura is going to (want to) leave the palace without all seven of the millennium items. Although, perhaps, now that he's privy to a way to get in he'll be able to pull it off by himself, in the future.
Poor little Amunet has to stay behind, but I think that this is for the best. It's absolutely and completely adorable the way you have Bakura be the one to place her to the side. (Anything you make him do, really, is perfect.)
Back to Malik ... His request is interesting, almost as interesting as his statement about the items themselves. I can't wait for him to reveal what he's to benefit from this exchange.
And thanks for the thanks :) It was no trouble at all to come up with my review since your story was/is so wonderful to read!
| RedShadowThief 11/8/12 . chapter 8
I'll have you know that I clicked on your story by chance, but after reading the prologue I was HOOKED. This is brilliant. Personally, I love interpretations of Bakura's youth/transition period between scared little boy and the bitter, angry, vengeful man that he becomes towards the end of his (Egyptian) life.
The group itself is a major contributing factor to the way that you are allowing Bakura to be shaped into who he is supposed to be based on canon. I love the juxtaposition of Teana (the moral high ground) and Bakura (the one who will slip away from the morals). Kisara was a lovely touch to the group, particularly because she gives them more in her absence than she ever did in her presence.
Our narrator, Ryou, is perfect. I love that he is a bit bolder than the conventional, modern-day Ryou, but it's absolutely believable. I love that he has a backbone in this story (whether or not it is a flexible backbone doesn't really matter). His relationship with Bakura and his little sister Amunet are amazing. Bakura is clearly someone he looks up to and respects - he hardly questions his authority without Teana's prompting. He is not, however, afraid to stand up for his little sister in the face of Bakura.
Amunet is adorable, and such a valuable member to the group if not THE most valuable. While the others (Teana and Ryou, at this point) can be swayed one way or the other with Bakura's smooth talk, Amunet's ideas are pure and genuine. Even when Bakura tells her that the Pharaoh killed her parents she decides through rational thought that yes, the Pharaoh must be bad if he would kill people. I feel like (and I could be reading into this too much) she is a symbol for Bakura's own innocence. A kind of external microcosm, if you will. Bakura here is playing the part of Zorc (corrupting innocence) and Amunet is Bakura. (Foreshadowing!)
And back to my favorite character of all time, Bakura. He is wonderfully personified here. His transition from scared child to father figure/protector turned thief is amazing. The way you organized it makes it all seem so natural. What other choice could Bakura have had? I am smitten with him all over again, thanks to you.
I really look forward to what you have in store - I can only hope that it is half as good as what you have already accomplished!
| CraftyLion 11/7/12 . chapter 8
*bounces in* Hello! A friend of mine told me a few days ago that there was this story that she was reading and that I should read it, because, quote, "It's so, so good." Well, with a claim like that, I had to find out what the fuss was about ;) From the very beginning, I was happily impressed with your writing and it was very catching.
Rather than bore you and spam you with eight reviews saying generally the same thing, I thought I would write one large review and encompass my comments on ALL of the things! (I hope this is acceptable to you. If it is not, I can always go and review each chapter.)
First off: Your characters, character names, and relationships.
To start, I like that you gave Tea and Amane Egyptian twists on their names. Not only does it make their names more believable for the time frame, I think they sound nice. Adding Tea to this group surprised me at first, as she seemed almost out of place with this crew, but then I realised that she was the perfect touch. She has that almost-motherly type character about her, and she is the female presence that holds this group into more of a family, rather than just a rag tag bunch (I am, of course, referring to the part of the story after Kisara was taken. :P).
In general, I like the relationship between these five (and eventually, four) kids. When there was five of them, they seemed liked the perfect family-composed-of-orphaned-children-who-suffered- the-same-fate. After Kisara was taken, their relationship only deepened as they realized how much they need each other. I like the way you portray this and it's really heartwarming to read.
You write and describe the characters very nicely! It's super easy to visualize them (not that I haven't already memorized their faces).
Second: The story
You have a good background. As I mentioned before, you have a skill in describing characters beautifully, and this skill also carries over into describing scenes and settings. It's very easy for me to see these different villages and imagine what their hideouts looks like and everything.
Your plot line (which is definitely in there! I can see it, I swear) is developed very nicely. You start off giving enough background to get the reader comfortable and into the story. And now we have some personal goals for our rag tag family! I'm excited to see where you take this.
Third: Specific events
I think my favourite scene, so far, is the one by the river. You have established Bakura as the strong, stoic protector of the gang, so it was refreshing and amusing, and just swoon-worthy to see him actually let loose and have some fun with Ryou.
Bakura and Ryou's first mugging - I can't see Bakura in an Egyptian setting without hoping that he'll steal something. It's just ... his nature! You wrote his transition from a scavenger to a fed-up scavenger, to a thief wonderfully and fluidly. It was a believable and highly likely transition. And he is just so wonderfully cocky about it too.
Within the same chapter, I liked Bakura's make up to Teana. It was incredibly sweet of him and it shows that he does indeed have a nicer side to him; he just chooses not to show it often.
Another would be the chapter where Ryou and Bakura (Do you see a pattern here at all?) receive their scars. It was a terrible event, yes, but a fascinating scene. You have a perfectly real situation to describe where their scars came from and it was thrilling! I did, in fact, catch the reference to Ryou's hand wound! (I'm so proud of my fan-ism).
Malik is another one of my favourite characters, so I'm glad that you added him to the mix!
I cannot wait to see what you add to this story! Update ... soon? As soon as possible, in any case :D
(P.S. - Gemshipping up for interpretation? I will certainly interpret :P)
| ilovemanicures 10/26/12 . chapter 7
I am so sorry I was unable to review all this time. These past updates have been incredible!
The way you had Bakura and the others become thieves. Teana and Kura' little "moment" with the scarf. And of course my favorite part: Where you have Ryou and Bakura get cornered and mutilated! That was a seriously unique way to bring about the scar on his face, and I applaud you for it!
I also really love the touch you added to Amunet. Giving her a touch of autism, yes? It's very, very original and I am quite impressed by it! Seeing the little reaction she and Bakura shared, I just about swooned. It was both sad and sweet, really.
All and all I have continued to love your work. I am extremely sorry that it was only now that I was able to praise you for it, but hopefully I'll be better at keeping up with things from now on ;)
Thank you so much for sharing all this. I'll see you next update!