|Reviews for The Last Voyage of the Endurance|
| FalconYT1300 6/19/13 . chapter 5
That was an interesting point of view to write from. I liked it!
| impoeia 6/4/13 . chapter 5
A chapter truly worthy of so brave a ship. This was just amazingly written and absolutely touching. Throughout this story, you've really managed to balance the Endurance's self-awareness and humanity with her mechanical nature, but during her progressing death, that was just overwhelmingly mastered. I loved how she gave up little pieces of herself in the form of her memory cores, in order to safe as many of her softies as she could. I think that giving up parts of your individuality can be the most frightening thing one can face and to do so for the sake of others speaks of a very courageous personality. I've really liked Endurance throughout this story, but in this chapter I came to love her. Just fantastic.
Her bond with Admiral Kilian keeps touching my heart and I thought the way you wrote it made far more sense than in the series. That he would stay on for the sake of the Endurance was far better than some old naval tradition. I like the little hint that maybe, just maybe, Ponds knew about the Endurance. Would also explain why he remained aboard the ship. Also, great ending. I loved seeing what became of the Endurance from Kilian's point of view and it was a great idea to end where the series continues. Always did wonder what happened in between.
This was just a great story, fantastically imagined and well-written throughout. You've really gave me a new point of view and a reason to see the GFFA's ships in a new light.
| impoeia 6/3/13 . chapter 4
Wonderful idea starting this chapter with Sergeant Crasher's words to the cadets. They are very fitting and you've worked in the spirit of those words wonderfully into Endurance's actions.
The scene of her engine's destruction was wonderfully written, very vivid, and flavored with all the emergency, drama, fear and helplessness in the face of such a catastrophe. I particularly liked her struggle about saving herself or her softies. It's a choice I suppose many soldiers would have to face in battle and one that, like Crasher said, can make or break you. The fact that she reached her decision after hearing of CT-1477's death and about her Admiral's status truly undermines the humanity of this ship.
But my favorite scene in this chapter is Endurance waiting in the morgue for her trooper. There was a lot of heart there, a lot of really moving imagery, from the time the medic closes his eyes to the moment when Endurance brings her trooper "into the light". That one, in particular, was a powerful image. Not only is he now part of the ship, but she quite literally welcomed him into her heart. Wonderful and sad and moving.
| impoeia 6/1/13 . chapter 3
I'm loving how all of the different sub-routines and programmes the Endurance created have different personalities. Like the scanner program being as eager as a watchdog and the bridge master-programm is like an overworked, slightly hysterical bureaucrat with a big sweating problem. It just adds so much character to the ship, but also shows that Endurance is more than just the durasteel hull. She's like the proverbial ghost in the machine and on that thought, I really like how she keeps "flying" through different sections and programs, like a spirit on the prowl. Or a soul.
Great way of integrating all the little anomalies that happen once Boba shows up. Clearly there's more going on than anyone on the Endurance knows and I like how your seeding in all these little problems. I thought that the scene with the explosion and Endurance's casualty program was particularly poignant. She cares so deeply that it must be hard for her to realize she can only do so much for the softies. I know how this story will end, but I'm finding myself routing for another outcome. I've come to like the Endurance so much, you've just fleshed her out so wonderfully.
| impoeia 6/1/13 . chapter 2
Ohhh, and she's stumped by softie colloquialism. That is somehow both funny and cute.
And I am continuing to love her relationship with her softies. Reading about how she's tracking CT-1477 made me laugh. She's a bit of an imp, isn't she and I loved how CT-1477 still managed to surprise her. Seems logic can still be trumped by softie anomalies. Her interplay with some of the rest of the crew shows an almost maternal side, like when she helped out the tech. On the other hand, I'm getting an almost daughterly feel from her when she's tracking Admiral Killian. Endurance is definitely a complex character and I'm loving how you keep fleshing her out.
I thought that her analysis of young clones was particularly fantastic and so very...droid-ish, but what a great way for a machine to categorize youth. "Troopers-under-construction"! I loved that. It's just such a perfect ship way of thinking about growing up.
And I'm fascinated by the beginnings of the chapters, when we get the point of view from outside of the Endurance. What a neat way to show her influence on the crew, but also to see how different members react to her. I can't wait to read more. Such wonderful writing and scenarios. I can't wait for her to meet the cadets.
| impoeia 6/1/13 . chapter 1
What an absolutely unique character to look into. I'm loving this and where you are going with it. I'm already liking the Endurance quite a bit. She seems like a very mature adolescent, still figure out her limits, but definitely growing with her tasks and duties. I am keen to find out what she thinks of the future developments that will transpire in *her* hull.
I'm really liking all the lingo you've put into this and the subtle details that outline the Endurance's mechanical humanity. I thought the word "thread-dog" was particularly ingenious and I liked how you pointed out how the Endurance perceives time differently than we do.
I must say, this is a fascinating take on some of the subtle cues that the series and books have left, but it certainly explains a lot; like Callista's easy bond with Leveler and, of course, the Admiral's cryptic remarks when the Endurance went down. Speaking of which, I'm loving the bond between the Endurance and her crew and especially the Admiral. I think the term "softies" is both adorable and very endearing. And I like her sense of humor. "It was just too bad that interceptors tended to be lousy conversationalists." Ha!
| Rexness613 5/10/13 . chapter 5
So sad... but I couldn't help but fall in love with the Endurance. Absolutely wonderful :)
| Eregnar 2/6/13 . chapter 5
That was beautiful and terrible and wonderful all at once. (terrible in the way it wrenched my emotions, is was a very good story. Terrible is meant as a compliment).
| Unfriendly Fire 11/13/12 . chapter 5
I have only seen the first episode of the Star Wars. Kinda emotional at the ending, though at the beginning, I was confused by the Endurance's computer. Was it an android that was connected to the ship's system? Or did it use cameras to see what was going on inside the ship? Other than that, it was very good writing and I'm not sure what to critique on.
| Wildcard999 11/8/12 . chapter 4
/...and [is] that moment you are no longer a cadet, you are a soldier. /
Great speech, but I think you mean 'in'.
/What you do then-the soldier you become-that is up to you./
You interrupted yourself there, making the sentence grammatically incorrect with commas, so double dashes are more proper, just like when you're talking about Endurance's reactor core.
/...her marine became part of the ship [in truth]. [Shewatched] him fall, down, down, until she embraced him fully./
I have no idea what those two words are doing there. They make no sense with the rest of the sentence. The second thing is just a typo.
/In any case, she disliked having no propulsion; it felt subtly wrong./
Subtly wrong? I'm not sure what subtly is supposed to be indicating here. Could you clarify?
/She gave [into] the navigation officer's directions.../
I'm prettu sure that's in to since she 'gave in' and it just happened to be 'to directions'. I think those are supposed to stay separate. Otherwise it looks like she 'gave into' something, which is weird and makes no sense.
/...drifting slowly towards Vanqor's glowing sphere./
Idk if this is canon or not, but I can't tell if you're talking about a star, a planet with a luminescent atmosphere (which do exist) or a man made sphere reflecting or emitting light. I'm going to assume star though. Or...is this the same star system she was in in previous chapters? Vanqor doesn't look familiar. Did you call it that earlier? Lol, maybe I just waited too long before continuing to this chapter. Sorry.
/Just in time[,] too./
I know it's a short sentence, but I'm pretty sure you need a comma there. I'm not positive, but pretty sure.
/The computer was in a frenzy, endlessly searching for a gate, a door, some way of passing through to the databank. /
Lol, sounds like another recursive error. XD I'm sure it's an accident, but anyone who knows anything about computers knows that's JUST how one would react in that situation!
/It rushed past her, following the new route, humming happily as it spooled up./
Spooled? Not sure what that means. And is it spelled right? I haven't even seen the noun version in print before, let alone it's verb counterpart.
/"Copy that CT-1477, we're pretty overloaded with emergency status./
You just said he was answering his comlink, but here, someone else is answering him. I don't understand.
Aw. It sucks that 1477 is dead now. Wasn't he one of Endurance's favorite sofies? I was kind of looking forward to seeing more of him. Well, actually his helmet may just have been knocked off, but I'm guessing those things are built to stay on no matter what.
/Endurance directed all of her frustration into a compressed burst of static and flung it at the subroutine./
Lol, funny, but I'm not sure that actually makes sense.
/For all of their annoyance.../
Written like this, it sounds like the protocols are annoyed, not annoying. 'Annoyances' and 'annoying habits' would convey it better.
/[Priority Alpha: Rapid chain decompression along stern.],/
This looks a little odd. Since it's basically dialogue, I'd treat brackets as quotes and change the period to be the comma. I know it's a new thing you're working with though, so it's a good guess. I honestly don't know what experts would say here, but this is my best guess.
/...all her aft decks would be ripped open./
Don't her decks span from aft to forward? And as the same deck? Different sections, but same deck? It makes it seem like she's a building, with her base being aft, not along the keel.
/She turned to acknowledge them but as she reached out, they faded to nothingness. Somewhere in the ship, their datacard had been destroyed./
Wow, nice. It's such a little thing, but Idk how many authors would think to write it like that. And yet, you did. It's just so perfect, thank you.
/Unguarded, her memory processors would fall prey to fire, electrical surges that would burn them out, leaks of corrosive coolant and hydraulic fluids would eat away at them. /
This is essentially three sentences, joined together with a common beginning. The beginning ends with 'fall prey to', then continues with fire, and each other thing that comes after a comma. The second ending kind of works, but the third, while sort of matching the second, definitely doesn't match the beginning. It makes no sense if you lead directly to it. You'll need to rework it to make it work or change the punctuation preceding it to show you've begun a new idea or restarted the sentence or something.
Wow, I actually started to cry at the end. This is new for me. I've never cried reading a fanfic before.
It really sucks that part of the reason this whole chapter has such a sad ending is because Endurance was trying so hard to help her softies out. And she ends up partially responsible for their deaths.
I was wondering who it was that was going around sabatoging everything. Thanks for that A/N.
Anyway, as usual, this was beautifully written with great insight into the mind of a machine with an emerging intelligence. So pretty much the same praise in earlier reviews can be applied to this chapter too. It's more of the same awesomeness. The things I pointed out, they're really minmal compared to your skill level. I don't think I mentioned it before, but these reviews have had EVERYTHING I've noticed in them. I only do that for the best authors, which had been rare until I got choosier about who I'd review and have mostly stuck with posters on the WA forum.
| Wildcard999 10/26/12 . chapter 3
/...popping out [from] hyperspace with a shiver./
A little odd saying 'from' instead of 'of'. Not sure if it's wrong though.
/She soothed it, assuring it that it'd done a good job and it settled, curling up in a ball again until the next alert./
She soothed it? Figuratively or realistically? It just seems to come out of nowhere. I thought she was alone in the ship's computer, the only conscious being there. It seems a little weird that a piece of her would be like a puppy dog making its alpha proud.
What? Wait one what?
/Data package for General[']s Skywalker and Windu./
It's plural, not posessive. No apostraphe.
/A whistled enquiry interrupted her./
Enquire is the verb. Inquiry is the noun.
/The program sounded panicky – it wasn't used to having to troubleshoot./
That's a very human version of a recursive logic error. Bascally, the logic path kept reaching a dead-end and starting over again. I had the same issue with my own mental programming and had to install a safety that trips a cue for my conscious mind to come in whenever a recursive error occurs.
Just in case you're curious...
/For all her hard work, Endurance wasn't 100% sure.../
In reference to certainty, this is usually written out as one hundred percent since it's a turn of phrase, not necessarily an exact figure.
/His smile was at [72.3% of maximum] as the cadets filed out of the room./
Ooh, nice touch!
/Endurance struggled to think, to cancel maintenance mode./
I can't tell how this is being said. The comma seems errant, like it should be a double dash or semicolon, or nothing at all. Maybe you could help me out with that.
/Recommend resumption of maintenance cycle]. /
Is resumption a word?
Lol, I knew the second she couldn't locate that cadet's file that something terrible was going to happen. Sabatoge!
/The trooper didn't respond. He never would. There was nothing more she could do for him. Endurance fled back down her circuit relays, away from the corridor, away from him, and plunged headlong into the nav computer. That, at least, she could fix./
Interesting...she's got feelings about this, huh? It sounds like she doesn't really know what they are exactly, even if she has a vague idea from watching her softies.
A few more issues:
/The frigate with the cadets arrived [on] perfectly on schedule.../
/She'd just come out of space dock[;] she wasn't sure.../
/...trying to match its velocity with her[s]./
/...Fury sent a skeet droid sailing into the velvet[-]black./
It's velvety black (adj. and noun) or velvet-black (compound noun).
/The file was probably there[,] she decided.../
/...had frightened the program into timidity[;] now it volunteered updates in an almost apologetic tone./
Well, it's still a little weird that her subroutines aren't seen as a part of her, but rather seperate entities. I mean, she is the ship, right? I am me, and my subroutines were a part of me, just basic and simple parts. A subconscious workhorse freeing my conscious mind for more important things.
I still like the fic though, and I plan to keep reading until you end this story. ;D Thanks!
| Wildcard999 10/26/12 . chapter 2
/It struck her as a very organic thing to say: after all, approval was an intangible thing, it wasn't possible for it to have mass./
Awesome, absolutely awesome! That's totally something Lt. Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation would say. If you'd like to research an emerging mechanical sentience, he'd be a good one to look at. The acting is a little theatrical and exaggerated, but the POV is very non-organic.
/One of unexpected outcomes of the inspection was [that] not only were both Generals keen to stay for the remainder of the shakedown cruise, but [that] they.../
If the two things were attributes (what they were), you wouldn't need the that, but this is actions/events, so you need that in there.
/...remodelled themselves over a number of years until they were complete – a fairly inefficient process in itself.../
Also an awesome observation and comment!
/It was so handy having speakers on the bridge./
That isn't what speakers do. Speakers would allow Endurance to be heard by the crew. She'd need microphones to hear them. If she's fitted for verbal commands, she'd have those already, but it's possible they'd need to be triggered. As the ship herself though, I'm sure she can circumvent the button if it's a touchpad, but a physical push-button might be difficult since those work off completing a circuit, which she can't do all on her own.
/...she heard some of her maintenance technicians talking,/
That should end with a : or period. A comma is only for narration that continues into the dialogue, but that doesn't work here. Especially not in a different paragraph, but even if it was the same one it still doesn't work as a comma.
You should really consider making your deck numbers spelled out. You've got enough numbers in your prose, you don't need more. And three or eight is very short, so it's not that big a hassle for you, but it is for the readers. Especially in dialogue, which is either never, or almost never done.
/...she did even if [sometimes they] had a most peculiar way of doing repairs./
A little awkward to say there. I suggest switching the words to make the sentence flow better. You might try reading your fics out loud to see if they're awkward or not. You don't have to though. I don't.
/...appending her files as needed./
Appending or ammending? Ammending makes more sense to me, but I'm not sure how to use appending as a verb. It's related to an appendix, right? In the backs of books?
You know, I always wanted to know what the heck that was, how it's pronounced and what it sounds like. In my mind, I replace it with 'chirped' since it's the only thing that I've heard in my experience. And it looks like a weird sounding word to say.
/"Daddy! My tooth is getting really wobby!/
You mean wobbly?
/"Daddy[,] daddy! We made cookies with mommy yesterday! Not from a packet[,] Daddy!/
I think it's cool how you've interpreted the world through Endurance's eyes, showing how games and chatter are boring as heck, but calculating probabilities using complex equations to try and predict her softies are such fun! It's really refreshing seeing such an accurate and different view of the world from electronic eyes.
A few minor issues:
/The Endurance thought that the tour [had] gone satisfactorily: both Generals had seemed suitably impressed by [the] her upgrades.../
/She'd listened[,] bemused.../
/It was 64% probability that he would try the ward room on deck 3 this week./
There was a 64% probability that he would try the ward room on deck three this week.
/...cutlery on plates [and] the faint clatter of activity in the kitchen./
| Wildcard999 10/25/12 . chapter 1
I'll admit, I'm only reviewing so I can get my story reviewed, but hey, that's often how it works in the Review Game, right?
I do not understand why the first section is in bold, but it's really harsh on the eyes having so much bold at once.
I've seen a lot of people do long sections of dialogue with no prose at all, but never in the beginning of a story. I was surprised, but I found I didn't actually need anything else. It was just like those movies that start with two people chatting while you look at random pictures or an arial view of a landscape. Very well done. Just don't do it in bold or underline.
/In the blackness that cradled her.../
cradled by blackness and a stellar breeze? Try a synonym there, like swaddled or enveloped. Cradled is not a common enough verb to use so often it's in consecutive sentences.
/She could see the [streams] of radiation [streaming] over the planets in the distance./
I notice you have a very firm grasp on how a person's thinking needs to change in order to personify such an unrelated character as a ship. I liked that you mentioned a mild electrical charge soothed her systems, although it does seem counter-intuitive to someone who knows about circuts and microchips (since electrical charges can short them out so easily). It was also interesting to see her persective on the natural sentients her race carries around.
/Endurance idly [extended her concentration] to check that all systems were operating at peak efficiency.../
That part looks...odd. I think focus would work better because of the verb you chose. I don't think the verb works the same with concentration since it sounds more like you're expanding what already exists, which for a ship would require modifications to her processors.
/...truth be told, rattled around inside her barracks./
I'm not sure what you mean this to indicate. It sounds like this is supposed to be a bad thing because of 'truth be told', but rattling around is just something that happens. It isn't inherently bad. You need to explain why this would seem insulting from her perspective that she may not wish to say such a thing about these particular softies.
/She'd needed to hastily cover her tracks with a flurry of subroutines; her mandate was the whole ship, not one firing range./
Huh? How did this make them think she wasn't a sentient learning from their strategies? I don't understand how any of what you said here relates to covering her tracks.
/She'd been still been new then.../
I'm pretty sure there's a typo or two there because that makes no sense. ;D
Jumping around the 'ship's computers' makes it sound less like she's a ship and more like she's just a program on the ship, which counters your earlier assertion. If she's actually the ship itself, her mind would flit around the HER processors. Not the ship's, hers. And she wouldn't move from computer to computer. A single ship usually has a single computer, even if it has multiple terminals. And they're all linked together at all times for ease of access and a short response time.
When you write about a perspective so alien to you, it might help to devote an entire edit exclusively to making sure it stays consistent. For best results, anyway.
/He was a very smart organic, was her Admiral./
You only need was the first time since you're only amending who 'he' is there at the end. The verb needs no amendment as it remains the same.
/He must do. /
You mean 'must have' or 'must know', right? Do makes no sense.
It's common nowadays to improperly add an s or es to pluralize words ending in x, but technically the plural of vortex is vortices, like the plural of vertex is vertices and dominatrix is dominatrices.
/...but her softies sometimes had a mind of their own./
What do you mean? Did 'thread-dog' mean something other than a subroutine dedicated to automatically bringing up information on incoming ships, or did the softies change something somehow? I can't tell what this is trying to indicate.
/...her Admiral and the crew were [busy] preparing for the arrival of their guests.../
I'm pretty sure that's a slang use of the word. I think in proper grammar, it should be 'busily' or 'busied themselves'.
/It was just too bad that interceptors tended to be lousy conversationalists./
Lol, nice last line!
Honestly, this was a really great story, and I'm glad you were the last poster in the Review Game when I posted my fic. Great work! I may even read on...if I can pay attention enough. It gets really annoying having to read every line twice because the words get out of order in your head.
| laloga 10/23/12 . chapter 5
It's...it's over? No! :( I loved this story so much! Sigh...
My whining aside, this was a thrilling chapter! *Loved* how you built the suspense with Endurance's memory-cores, sort of like a countdown to her death, because - as the text states - everything that *she* is can be found in her memory. *Everything that she was, neatly packed into her five memory cores that were spread throughout the ship.*
Really, the excitement and suspense in this chapter were fantastic, and I don't know that I can say enough good things about what you've done here. I loved how she left a "note" for herself, about getting her softies evacuated, and how she had to come back to it again as her memory deteriorated. I loved how you wrote her flagging awareness, like she was losing pieces of her "brain," (which she was, in a sense), but still trying so hard to do what she knew she had to.
Kilian's affection for her was palpable; I loved their interactions, how he seemed to understand exactly what Endurance was doing, and how he stuck with her until the end. :) So lovely.
In SW, we often don't think of the admiral "going down with his/her ship" as something that should happen, as that universe seems to have an abundance of ships, which are viewed as little more than "tools" for the crew. But not Endurance and not Kilian. Wonderful job showing his affection for her, here, and how he has considered her as more than "just a ship" throughout this story.
I love this story. Really, it's one of the most unique fics I've ever read on this site. You tackled a subject that - to me - feels very complex; it had the danger of being convoluted or silly, but you handled it perfectly. Endurance was always a ship, always very much a machine, but she had a soul and a spirit, and I was truly sad to see her "die."
Fantastic, fantastic work. :D I look forward to whatever you share with us! :D
| Falkenauge 10/22/12 . chapter 5
I have absolutely nothing to critque you on, all I can say is that this is one of the best stories I have read on here to date. My utmost praise and regards to you, dear sir. You nailed every spot dead on.
This completely made my day. Congrats! :)
Regards - Repcom