|Reviews for May I take your order, sir?|
| Nepequiust33h33 4/27/13 . chapter 1
Thank you so much! That was really adorable! 3333
| Writer'sFantasy 10/13/12 . chapter 1
great job valeria but when you see dialouge click enter its easier to read like that. other than that keep it up :D
| deathhound7 10/11/12 . chapter 1
It's indeed short, less than 500 words, and that's okay. Stories don't have to be long, you don't have to write an entire novel for it to be interesting. I'm not usually into fan-fics that are alternate universe, but I find the idea of Louise working at a Star-bucks somewhat amusing.
What you have here is a single scene, there isn't much there, because not a whole lot has happened. It's better that you write this much about one event, rather than something this short cramming in a bunch of events all at once.
I'd however, encourage you to become more comfortable with larger word counts. I think this story would greatly benefit if each chapter were a few thousand words each (that's less daunting than it sounds.) It gets easier with practice. Chapters usually are divided between story arcs or different sections of a story.
This is just a suggestion, but have you considered making an outline of your story? I tend to have an overall outline to a story, and then chapter outlines that list all the events of a chapter.
Louise and her mother are yelling at each other in the beginning, but you don't need to put their words in all caps to show this, exclamation points and simply saying that she yelled or screamed will suffice.
In both pieces of dialogue, you should have had an exclamation and a comma before the ending quotation mark.
Any time someone else speaks, you start a new paragraph. Having multiple people speak in the same paragraph can be taxing on the human brain.
'The smoky eye she had done made her green emerald eyes stick out' I'm not all that knowledgeable about make-up, seeing as I don't wear it, but I'm assuming 'smoky eye' is either blush, or eyeliner. I have no idea what it looks like, most readers who aren't familiar with it won't find this description meaningful.
'The blush made her green eyes stick out.' They're are probably better examples, but I think this works better than the previous sentence. I've also omitted the word "emerald." You've basically used two words to describe green eyes. Describing eyes as stones, metals instead of colors, or as orbs is usually a pet-peeve of many any the writing community, you see a lot of fan-fic authors do this, however.
This is probably more of a stylistic difference in opinion, but I think the paragraphs would be easier to read, and more suited to not being centered.
'Seeing his black wavy hair and his sky blue eyes made her get butterflies in her stomach'
I liked this sentence, until you get to the 'get' part. It should probably be replaced with 'have'. You could also completely restructure the sentence altogether to something like 'After seeing his black wavy hair and blue eyes, Louise had butterflies in her stomach."
If you noticed, I got rid of 'sky'. You've already told us that he has blue eyes, adding the extra adjective for 'blue' is more distracting than descriptive.
For the most part, I like how descriptive you are about things, many new writers-myself included, tend to err on the side of letting dialogue drive the story too much. There is a such a thing as too much description though, they call that 'purple prose', and it's much more distracting than useful.
I can nit-pick at grammar all day (even though mine isn't perfect), but I think I will leave it at that for now.
Overall, it's not a bad piece of writing for your first fan-fic. Keep it up, find ways to improve your writing each time and you'll be amazed and how much better you could be. It's just like everything else, the more you do it, the better at you you'll become.