|Reviews for Moose Hunt|
| Edhla 12/3/12 . chapter 1
This a lovely little jewel of a piece, LB. Once again, I'm taken with your imagery- I'm a particular fan of "leaf-dappled river."
Once again, I also love your talent for writing violence :p All jokes aside, it's not a skill I see very often in writing and you certainly have it. The killing of the moose was brutal but not unrealistically so, and didn't come across as gratuitous. And it's tempered by the fact that the moose is food, and a sign of Shiro's relationship with Kinnison.
And that's where the emotional base of this little ficlet is, I think- Shiro so proud of his capacity to provide for Kinnison. Adorable. Lovely work!
| The Tonberry Queen 10/24/12 . chapter 1
I enjoyed this! Maybe, as others have said, the physics of hunting a moose pushed the bounds of realism, and maybe a deer would have been more realistic. But that wasn't really what the story was about! I loved the bond between Shiro and Kinnison. I think if you spent some time adding some details into the action it'd be really great. I loved the touch of Shiro with the pile of sticks at the end. Overall, great job!
| Empress Nightshade 10/23/12 . chapter 1
"Shiro had clamped his fangs on the back of the moose and plunged his claws into its neck."
-Unrealistic physics here. There's no way the wolf could be biting the moose's back and have its paws at its neck.
-I found this to be a bit boring and confusing. One, the story reminds me exactly of Reunion because you're focusing on an animal who has a human master. The confusing part was the perspective. You start off the story with Kinnison being introduced first(you even have Shiro speak as a dog first), and then you suddenly switch to Shiro's thoughts. If you wanted to portray the wolf's perspective, you should started with him as the focus at the beginning.
| darkin520 10/22/12 . chapter 1
Awww...this was kind of sad. I was hoping the love would be between the moose and the human...but I guess a dog is good, too. -nods- I don't know your fandom, but you definitely have the love part down, and you integrated the moose for sure. Too bad you killed him! No matter. Well done. I've finally added it. Sorry it took me so long to get here. Well done. Thank you for completing my challenge. :)
| The Death Frisbee 10/22/12 . chapter 1
Hey there. I thought that Kinnison and Shiro had a good bond, and the length of the fic was good: Much shorter and it would have moved too quickly; much longer, and you wouldn't have enough of a story here.
You have an interesting way of starting this fic off, with anti-description rather than description - things have gone away, and that's well observed. Keep, and work with, moments like these, because those sorts of tricks can add to tone when used judiciously.
I'd have liked a bit more 'wolfish' perspective in here - something to make sure the reader knows that it isn't a human perspective. You work well with that when the moose shows up, so I'd suggest something similarly animalistic in the start. It took me a while to remember that Shiro was a wolf. Fortunately, though, it's easily added.
Good job at not dwelling on the death of the moose, but instead keeping in tone with the warmth of the rest of the fic. That's a delicate thing to do, and can be tricky, and you've done it well here.
SPAG follows. Hope this helps!
Why there's no fish - ungrammatical in English: Why are there no fish?
ran his fingers on - we'd say 'ran his fingers through'
Kinnison, only to see
aggregates - feels a bit overwritten as a word IMO. I'd say something less scientific: clumps or clusters
perturbed - disturbed
The moose lowered its head... He - confusing here, because I thought the second sentence was talking about the moose. Change to 'Shiro was about to'
grinning, as he watched
| Moonlight M3lody 10/22/12 . chapter 1
Ooh, I love Shiro! The end is pretty anticlimatic but it's understandable since Shiro, being a wolf, is rather simple-minded. There are not enough Kinnison and Shiro fanfic around.
A simple, peaceful story. Simplicity is a beauty, eh?
I don't know your stories before 'Traitor', if you ever written any for Suikoden, but I'm pleased to welcome you to this fandom:)
| ckorkows 10/20/12 . chapter 1
I have no knowledge of the series except for the limited information Wikipedia has provided me.
Having said that, this was an interesting one shot. It seemed almost too short. While the overall story had a clear point, the content between the beginning and end was a little lacking.
Especially since you painted such a nice picture of the sun setting over the river at the start. The leaves on the river told me it was fall and the mix of colors used made it obvious that it was the perfect time for fishing.
The hunt, to me, was the part where you struggled the most. A moose is tall and gangly, and I didn't really get a picture of how awkward they look. However, when Kinnison decided to help in the hunt is when I really wished you would have spent a little more time on detail. Archery is a very majestic and artful sport, especially if he is using a simple style bow instead of a compound or modern bow. The pull back is graceful, the breath in is held, and the arrow released moments before the breath. Also, if they're that close to the moose he would not have aimed for the leg. The proper place to shoot a moose or large game animal (and the most humane way to get your dinner) is right at the joint or back curve of the front shoulder. Sort of where the armpit might be.
Now, if Kinnison made a bad shot (and that was noted) or if he's not that accomplished an archer, the back leg shot seems more realistic. But then you've got the part with the wolf.
Even though partially domesticated, Shiro would probably still retain most of his natural instincts. While jumping on the back might work for lions or a wolf in a pack it seemed a little out of place for this lone wolf. However, the real issue I had was when he slashed at the chest of the animal. A wolf would never try to attack the moose head on. The rack would be sweeping back and forth in a defensive gesture and it is very likely that the force of being hit with those antlers could break ribs and or kill the wolf. He would instead go for the soft belly, maybe going for the neck if he saw an opening. These are the easiest places for a wolf to cause bodily damage.
The overall flow of the piece worked well, and perhaps if I wasn't so informed as to hunting and it's variety of forms these little details would not bother me so much. Your beginning and end were good and there were no overall grammar mistakes. I would comment on the amount of time it takes even a skilled survivalist to light a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but I feel I have nitpicked enough.
Like I said, this was a good story, the only aspects that were lacking were the hunt details.
Enjoy the Ride,
| Ragnelle 10/20/12 . chapter 1
This is a very cute story, though I must confess I had quite a few wtf? moments.
Hunting boar alone? Way too dangerous: those animals are vicious! Okay, I know you did not have Kinnison hunting it, but just thinking it had me go "what!?" Fowl and small game, not a problem, but boar is definitively not small game.
Neither is moose, though they are not as vicious as boar, and I would chose moose over boar any day. But a wolf would not be able to take down a moose by itself, even wounded, and that broke the suspension of disbelief for me. I'm not sure if you are familiar with moose, but they are quite common where I live. They are big, fast and can be aggressive if cornered.
Sorry. As i said, the story is cute. And you tell it clearly. The description of the sunset was nice, and I liked that you made an effort of including several senses in your descriptions - sound with the birds and insects, and touch with the clumps stuck to Shiro's paws. But I was not able to believe in the hunt.
If Shiro was chasing the moose, it would run far away, and not stop to grass as soon as it saw a patch. And it would not have helped much for Kinnison to tell Shiro to be quiet when he has already braked: the moose would have run away at the first bark. It would have run when the arrow hit it - unless the leg was too badly hurt for it to run, and then Shiro would not need to bite it. It would have run even with the wolf hanging on to its neck. In short: it would have run, and Kinnison would have had to track it down, probably following it until it grew weak with bloodless.
This, sadly, kept me from enjoying the story as much as I otherwise would have.
| ReadingBlueWolf 10/19/12 . chapter 1
Ooh! The moose! Poor moose! I thought this was an interesting perspective coming from the wolf. His thoughts were also interesting. I liked how he was the one to track the moose. I'm having trouble believing that the one arrow to the neck could take down the giant beast that quickly. I thought think maybe a few arrows or Shiro holding onto its neck for a while would bring it down, but the one arrow was a bit of a stretch for me. I did like how the two of them worked together for dinner. That was really neat.
| IrishPanther 10/19/12 . chapter 1
Awww, such an adorable little one-shot! Hooray for Shiro for finding the moose and helping in the defeat of the moose for its dinner! I really enjoyed reading this from Shiro's point-of-view, seeing as this is how wolves (or a dog per se) would be thinking and acting. I feel bad for the moose as I did not see any brotherly love between the moose and the others...but there was a lot of love between Kinnision and Shiro, and I adored that a lot! No grammatical errors while reading this, so excellent work proofreading! Once again, I truly enjoyed reading this lovely one-shot! :)
| StormyMonday 10/19/12 . chapter 1
Well, I'm not familiar with this game, but I am aware of it. So, it should be noted that I don't know your characters. Keep in mind too that I can't help but nitpick more often than not, and that it's just a thing for me.
Alrighty. I know this was purely written for fun, but I feel compelled to point out a few things. Moose are massive creatures, even when young. For that reason I'm not sure how feasible it is for someone to kill a moose with an arrow, or even two. Speaking about how wolves handle such a large animal, two things generally happen - if a lone wolf were to go after a moose, it would likely be a newborn without the mother present. In a pack situation, the pack will divide and conquer. In other words, separate one moose from the herd, and wear it down until it literally has no fight left in it. Then they'll go for the kill.
Also, I feel like you'd benefit from using more detail in your writing. I say this because your writing is quite good, and with a few embellishments would be that much better. :D
Story wise over all, I enjoyed reading this. I think I've read and reviewed all the other challenge submissions, and it seems that yours and mine are the only ones where the moose becomes dinner. Kudos for not going easy on the moosen! ;D