|Reviews for When Andalites Depart|
| DaLintyMan 11/13/12 . chapter 17
Actually, when is the military going to get their butts in gear and unload some whooping? Obviously, they can't be a major story line, but SpecOps units should do OK against the invaders.
| DaLintyMan 11/13/12 . chapter 10
There is no way to jam guns. They are fully mechanical. Unless maybe you are ten feet away with a vibration generator to prevent the pieces sliding.
| Chiroptera Jones 10/30/12 . chapter 9
Ah, the main plot arrives! I think all of this is pretty awesome. Cameron... doesn't seem to be all that knowledgeable about animals XD
Although, I think sulfur crested cockatoos are kept as pets fairly commonly in the US. I could be wrong though?
| Chiroptera Jones 10/29/12 . chapter 7
It stretches my belief that a teenage boy can fight off a pack of hyenas. The first part in particular; even if the aquiring trance did work as an instant knock-out, he shouldn't be able to divert a lunging hyena away so easily.
The action of the scene is well-written, though, which is harder than it looks, so nice work on that.
| Chiroptera Jones 10/28/12 . chapter 6
There are a handful of minor awkward wordings – such as ‘an exasperated sigh on his face’, ‘a menacing halt’, and the sound effects for the apple.
The rat stealing the keycard seemed a little far-fetched to me... although, considering this is animorphs, maybe I should just accept the occasional silly thing. I’m just not sure how you’d get a rat to understand that it was the card you wanted. It might have been kind of cool to have Jason morph rat instead to get it, rather than solve the problem so quickly and easily offscreen.
Interesting that they’re going with an ‘acquire all the things’ approach. It does make sense, and this will probably make things easier since you’re going for a less episodic format, yeah?
The whole ‘any animal you’ve touched in the last 3 months’ aspect continues to not sit right with me, though I understand that it’s a choice you’ve made and aren’t likely to change.
Waking the panther up in order to acquire him seems, frankly, like a really stupid thing to do. why would you want to make the deadly predator more alert? There must be a less dangerous way to get contact.
The part with the rhino seemed pretty good, and the friendship between the two here is nice and believable. However, Kate seems very... emotionless through the whole thing; you might want to bear her physical emotional responses in mind in future.
| Guest 10/23/12 . chapter 5
| Chiroptera Jones 10/22/12 . chapter 4
Hmm. I'm finding Kate to be more interesting than Jason. Probably because you've managed to put more of her personality into the way she reacts to things here.
I'm not sure if this was an issue in the previous chapters (I didn't notice it, but that could just be me being unobservant), but you're switching between present and past tense a bit.
Examples - "I wriggle the muesli bar out of its wrapper and throw it in an empty locker. I check under the cubicles for any feet, just to make sure that I'm alone." These sentences are written in the present tense.
"I turned left and headed down the corridor to the left. I reached the faded-blue colour of the bathroom door and used a nudge of my shoulder to swing the door open." These sentences are in the past tense. It's generally considered better style to pick one of those and stick to it.
I don't know a lot about rats, but can they retract their claws? I thought that was just a cat thing.
Pretty good chapter, apart from those things.
| Chiroptera Jones 10/22/12 . chapter 3
I'm still not really seeing the logic behind Pit-bull giving the morphing power to Jason, and then explaining his plan to him.
I also don't think it's quite consistent to have the andalites improving the cube as a response to human complaints. Why would they care what humans want out of the morphing technology? It starts to look a bit like you're just making changes to the way the world works in order to make things more convenient for your characters.
Given what he's just done, I can't help but find this line amusing: "I've got power! I'm the only morpher left on earth!"
I just imagine him pausing, thinking for a second, and then saying "... Oh. Whoops." :P
"Wings? From my back? What type of bird is that?" - I can't imagine anybody mistaking fly wings for bird wings, not even at a very rudimentary, half-morphed stage.
| Chiroptera Jones 10/20/12 . chapter 2
I'm not sure what's going on with this... why did the pit-bull guy give him the morphing cube? Unless the next chapter reveals that he's actually a good guy just testing Jason, I can't think of any logical reason for him to do that.
Why isn't this guy affected by the anti-morphing field you mentioned in the previous chapter?
Frankly, Jason seems like a bit of an ass, skipping out on his parents like that. Kind of mitigated by helping the kid out, but still.
Your dialogue is pretty good, but make sure you remember to put a closing punctuation mark in it. "'Hey, put the kid down'" and "'Yeah, I could take you'", amongst others, should have a full stop.
Anyway, keep writing :) I will follow along and point out stuff like this from time to time, if you don't object.
| Chiroptera Jones 10/20/12 . chapter 1
An interesting idea. I can see that the Andalites might leave at some point, but I'm not sure the reasons you've given here are consistent with them. Andalites are arrogant and convinced they're superior; they're unlikely to leave Earth because we might discriminate against them.
Perhaps this would work better if there was some change in the situation to prompt it. Like, maybe there has been a number of terrorist attacks recently by anti-alien groups. Maybe somebody important was killed - an assassination of an Andalite diplomat. Or perhaps the political parties changed, and suddenly either the Andalites or the main human factions are being run by someone who hates the other. Writing about that might give you an interesting opening.
The writing of this is pretty good. The only way it could be improved, I think, would be for you to maybe work on the 'voice' of the narrator and the Andalites. We're obviously seeing this from the point of view of a regular person, so you could try to inject a bit more of his/her personality into it.
Oh, and I think you mistakenly made the Andalite say 'fellow humans'.
Apart from that, a nice start.