|Reviews for Magica Random|
| Shay Guy 1/2/13 . chapter 5
the blair of a powerful pipe-organ
Mami's eyes grew crafty.
She's the ribbon girl. How crafty does she have to be? Not like it's any harder than catching that roof-jumper from episode 2.
Little did the girl commanding her know that Mami had fought battles alongside this spear-fighter in the past.
"Little did the girl commanding her know...?" "The girl commanding her" IS Mami, and the next couple paragraphs only make sense if you assume Sayaka HAS figured out (quite sensibly) that Mami's fought with this "Kyoko Sakura."
It was the fourth movement of Beethoven's 9th Symphony – the Ode to Joy.
AKA one of the most recognizable pieces in the history of ever, so why'd it take so long for Sayaka to ID it?
Heartseed was busy tying up a new bandage to reinforce Kyousuke's now broken cast
Since when does he bother with that stuff? Save it for the host and let him wonder what happened.
Sayaka Miki's Kyouko
This phrase makes no sense.
Kyuubey tilted his head at the mention of the word 'fair'. He didn't seem to fully understand what Heartseed meant by 'fair'.
I'll give credit where credit is due - I like this line. Because of COURSE he doesn't. :)
"Sakura-san!" Kyouko replied, recognizing that manner of speech without a second thought.
She shouldn't. Like I said, Kyoko calls her "Mami."
By the way, I don't think Heartseed ever went straight from one swap to another in "Hito Random."
And that's it for now. I don't review that many fics, but Kokoro Connect deserves a stronger presence on FFNet. :)
| Shay Guy 1/2/13 . chapter 4
with rather refind ettiquete
Spell-check is your friend.
"If you think you've won over me with this, then you're wrong." Sayaka said, still haughty as she wiped the broth from her lips with her hand. "That butterball gunner put you up to this, didn't she?"
There's still no good reason for the narration to be calling her Sayaka. And she's fine using Mami's name, as her first line in the anime indicates.
"I actually quite like this setup."
And this seems TOO formal.
Tomoe-san's the one who's so fired up about this Puella Magi crap
She calls her "Mami." I don't think she EVER uses last names or honorifics.
"I... might even actually have a nice, regular, caring family this time around..."
By all indications, Kyoko DOES consider her family a loving one, even as hurt as she was by her dad.
"I'm definintely not giving this body back." Sayaka then said, "I must decline your request."
Still too formal, and has Homura not explained that she doesn't have a choice?
"This isn't a request, Sakura-san."
As before, wrong form of address.
Homura's voice was now like a whisper
Oh, LIKE a whisper? Huh, for a moment you had me thinking it actually WAS a whisper.
She wasn't a Puella Magi in this body – a mere gunshot could kill her, and she knew.
Nothing "mere" about it. Homura kills witches with those; magical girls are tough, but Kyoko's not on Sayaka's level.
Sayaka was determined.
Bad narration. Show, don't tell.
Tears formed at the sides of her eyes and her lips trembled as she spoke. "I don't know about you, but if there is a chance for me to be normal again – even if it means living in somone else's shoes, then I don't want to be a Puella Magi anymore!"
This seems too emotional for Kyoko.
"Do you not also wish to just live a normal life?"
We had that chance, but we forefeited that the moment we made a contract with the Incubator.
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! She's the only one at this table who knows that name, and she's cagier than that.
We were responsible for becoming these abominations we are now
Kyoko doesn't know what they are.
She too believes in this nonsense so firmly... but that nonesense is our reality now
Still too formal for Kyoko. She's a THUG. Have you read "Resonance Days"? I'm quite fond of how Kyoko's written there.
managing a whole territory on my own's put me in a tight schedule
Why is she talking about it like it's unusual? That's the magical girl default; it's two girls SHARING a territory that's the rarity.
"Let's go to Lower Water right now! That district's gonna be a warzone before long!"
How would she know?
Walking through this cathedral again brought back many memories for Mami – though most of them she would much rather forget.
What memories? She wasn't there when Kyoko's family died. This may even be only the first or second time she's been here.
I had no choice but to believe her promise.
Why? And why's Sayaka just going to accept that?
the sight of a liveky Kyouko amused Mami somewhat.
Kyoko's usually lively. :)
| Shay Guy 1/2/13 . chapter 3
Homura Akemi knelt at the gunner's side
I'm not too fond of burly detective syndrome in general, but it's especially silly here, because BOTH OF THEM USE GUNS.
This Kyousuke was not like the childhood friend she had grown to like
In English, and in this context, "like" doesn't work so well.
"Don't screw with us!"
Is this Homura? See comment on the last chapter.
"Akemi-san." Mami spoke to her through telepathy, "I'm not very keen on trusting this Heartseed fellow, but let's at least hear him out."
You should probably use a different convention for telepathy, like italics. Plus the comma after "telepathy" should probably be a period, or the period after "Akemi-san" a comma, or some other combination of punctuation. This applies to other points where you use this format too.
"M-Mami-san…" Sayaka fearfully called out to their mentor, "Kyousuke-kun… we have to help him!"
Sayaka doesn't use any honorifics with Kyosuke's name (or he with hers).
"We know." Mami assured her, but not as resolutely as she wished.
Now here I KNOW what the punctuation problem is. The first period needs to be a comma.
And whose perspective is this scene from? Judging from the fact that the narration doesn't immediately refer to Kyoko as such, it SEEMS to be limited and not omniscient, but it jumps back and forth.
All of the sudden
TG: nowhere just chilling here
TG: when all of the sudden
GG: "All of a sudden."
TG: when all of the sudden
...Yeah, it's "all of a sudden." Sorry, Roxy.
Sayaka spat on the ground at Mami's feet, clearly displeased with her, but Mami could not know why.
Never got the impression she had THAT much of a beef with Mami. There was some bitterness after they split, but on that level?
Homura could use Tiro Finale. Can Sayaka use Rosso Phantasma?
"… eh?" Sayaka grew pale, "My Soul Gem…?"
There is no good reason for that comma. None.
"Yes." Heartseed replied telepathically, "Think of it as my way of lending you a hand."
Why telepathically? He's always spoken out loud before.
She and Mami also seemed to be trading vicious glances at each other.
I DEFINITELY don't think Mami's hostile to Kyoko. Saddened, definitely, judging from the terms they parted on and her awkwardness in timeline 3 when Sayaka mentioned her.
"After all, you are the only one of the five who has a clue. You've seen glimpses of the whole puzzle, after all."
Kyubey doesn't know she's a time traveler. How does Heartseed?
"There's an abandoned cathedral at Lower Water in Old Mitakihara. Go there, that's where Sayaka is right now, I believe."
Why on Earth is Homura assuming Kyoko would've been there? (Heck, does she even know Kyoko's backstory?)
And how do you know Kyouk... this... bah.
Since when does Mami stumble over her thoughts like this? Or say "bah"?
"I'll definitely protect her."
Doesn't work as well in English. Maybe "I swear it."
Mami glared one last time at Sayaka before shaking her head.
Why "Sayaka"? Everyone here knows it's not her.
When it's spelled like this, I think it's meant as in "oy vey."
A frightened Kyouko shot up from the pews of the Sakura Cathedral, toppling the paper bag of apple cores beside her.
Why in Madokami's name does it say "Kyouko" when it's from Sayaka's perspective and she hasn't even realized she's in another body?
Oh, and "cathedral"? I'm pretty sure that church ain't a cathedral. Not even close.
| Shay Guy 1/2/13 . chapter 2
"Throughout history, I've been called 'Heartseed'."
The impression I got from Kokoro Connect was that it was chosen more or less on the spot.
The airy voice of Kyuubey caught Mami's attention now. The little white creature sat calmly in the midst of the restrained Mami and the possessed Kyousuke.
No reaction to his being in two places at once? And I don't think "midst" is right for two things/people.
With her thoughts, she was able to transform the gem into its oval Soul Gem form.
Reverse Homura's transformation, you mean?
She hasn't addressed or referred to Homura by name, I think. I'll assume for the moment that Madoka told her and she remembers, but the honorific still seems strange - this is another point where I think the full name might work better.
From where they were, they could hear the constant barrage of flintlock rifles and the pained roars of the Witch Charlotte.
...OK, since when can MAMI read the runes? Plus we didn't see her looking at them in canon, which I imagine we would've.
She had to help Homura posthaste.
And now she's thinking of her by her FIRST name? And acting like she's someone she wants to help for its own sake?
Not only did Homura Akemi need help
Again, what does she care about her confirmed enemy? I'd think she'd be worrying more about Madoka and Sayaka.
swift kicks that a normal person, let alone a crippled boy, could manage to pull off.
Double-check this grammar. (No, I won't comment on all the grammar errors. I've skipped some already.)
As they ran, Mami started to feel a mild yet growing pain in her chest. She had been running in Homura's body for a while now. The transfer student always looked as if she was in top form. Being in Homura's body, Mami realized just how frail this black-haired girl was. Her legs were strong, but her breaths were perennially short. Her body also easily built up fatigue, so Mami had to conserve her stamina.
Outside of episode 10, Homura shows no signs of being like this. She set prefecture records in PE without trying. Remember the point near the end of episode 10 when she holds up her Soul Gem to her eyes, her eyes shine, and we never see her wearing her glasses again? By all evidence, she uses magic in the most recent timelines to fix her heart and the rest of her body. There was nothing about her heart in episode 1, after all, and there definitely would've been, especially since Madoka originally needed to be told about her condition.
Here she was with Homura – someone who she, just a while ago, hated to the core.
And should still, by all rights. I don't object to MamiHomu on principle (except insofar as pairing Homura with a non-Madoka meguca is a stretch), but you're rushing it.
If Homura truly wished Mami ill, then she would have let the Witch eat her body.
How's she figure that? After all, Homura was IN IT.
"Heartseed… who the hell are you?"
Sounds a little cruder than Homura. Sayaka or Kyoko, sure.
In the musty interior of the Sakura Cathedral, Kyouko Sakura sat on one of the pews lazily.
Since when does she go in there regularly? She had to kick down the door in episode 7, after all. This place holds bad memories for her; she's more the type to spend time playing video games, hunting witches, and breaking open ATMs. (And eating as she does all of the above, of course.)
Then, there was a brief moment of strange silence.
I think this is cheating via narration. How could the silence be "strange"? Nobody else is around but this one girl.
| Shay Guy 1/2/13 . chapter 1
As a fan of Madoka for the past year-plus and a fan of Kokoro Connect for the past week-plus, I had to check this out.
She is a very talented Puella Magi, after all.
I'm in the camp that prefers "magical girl," which is used in the official translations and works better as an English translation of "mahou shoujo" by any translation logic (especially Kyubey's "If 'girls' become 'women'" bit). The only time the franchise uses "Puella Magi" is in the title.
These words caught Homura's attention, along with the sound of small footsteps that grew louder as it approached.
From which direction? The outside or the inside? Since the other body they mention is on the inside (where Mami and Madoka already passed through), it makes a difference.
Its source was an unwelcome sight to Homura – the Incubator.
You do remember that there are many of my kind that exist in this world… yet we are all one and the same... save for a few deviants.
Kyubey seems to use "I" and "we" more or less interchangeably in canon - IIRC, in episode 8, he says HE has lots of bodies, not that there are lots of others like him. My stylistic preference is to refer to the collective in the singular as "Kyubey" and in the plural as "the Incubators," which would make this individual "an Incubator." Again, though, that's just a stylistic preference
This doesn't sound right - Homura defaults to full names in this timeline. I'm not sure she addresses anyone otherwise until episode 8 (Madoka).
Homura listened to this incomprehensible exchange between the two. Just what was going on here?
Better question: Why hasn't she met Heartseed yet, if he's running around? A fluke like Kyosuke (maybe) being a guitarist in timeline 3?
However, she was in an entirely new place – in the middle of the deepest part of the barrier of the Witch Charlotte.
Since when can Homura read witch runes? There's never been a sign that ANY canon character could; for all we know, the substitution cipher could be purely for our benefit.
She had been stripped of her arsenal and denied her control over time. All she had were the abilities of Mami Tomoe. A flintlock rifle appeared in her hands instead.
If Heartseed is an offshoot of the Incubator collective, it seems he has powers Kyubey doesn't. For instance, letting a magical girl control someone else's body from further away than the Soul Gem's range, or letting someone control another magical girl's magic at all.
Madoka could only nod weakly as she watched this new 'Mami' with amazement. There was such intensity about her that she had not seen from Mami before. She had seen this kind of furor before… but from who?
And when? She's never seen Homura fight before. She's only ever seen her stand around being mysterious.
Kneeling beside her was her own body, looking at her with genuine concern.
Mixed with wariness, I'd think, seeing as they're enemies at the moment.
All of the sudden, Homura found herself wrapped in Mami Tomoe's embrace. To be embraced by one's own body was strange, but she could feel Mami's emotion overflowing towards her. Mami may be in Homura's body, but her emotions were still her own. Just like how she was in Mami's body, her feelings and sentiments were completely hers.
...SPEAKING of which, this seems pretty OOC as well.
"To switch Akemi-san and Tomoe-san at the very moment that Tomoe-san was supposed to die…"
Her death wasn't exactly planned AFAICT, so "would have died" or "was about to die" might work better.
"But… it was entertaining." Kyousuke said monotonously.
It should probably say "Heartseed," since he's in charge and we've established that he's still in Kyosuke's body.
"The same results you got with Himeko-san, Nagase-san and Kiriyama-san?"
For starters, this is inconsistent - one first name, two last names. But both are OOC; Kyubey's more likely to use their full names without honorifics in this context.
| Thagguy 12/31/12 . chapter 5
You should decide to refer to the characters either by the personality or the body, and stick with it. As it is, it's difficult to tell who's in who's body, as you keep changing how you refer to them. For instance, Sayaka in Kyoko's body is referred to as both "Sayaka" and "Kyoko," which is quite confusing, especially when it comes time for another swap, because I don't know which method of address you're using. In that last segment, it took me several read-throughs to figure out what just happened.
| Arthur091 12/31/12 . chapter 5
Happy New Year to you too! I loled hard at Sayaka and Homura's bodyswap, this is getting better and better!
| Thagguy 12/13/12 . chapter 4
Ahhh, your chapters are too short! Want more!
| Art 12/13/12 . chapter 4
You're welcome! And damn this is getting better and better!
| KazolOrajia 12/7/12 . chapter 3
I'm very happy to see some Kokoro Connect love on here. A brilliant anime that deserves more attention. Hopefully there will be more fan fiction soon.
As for yours, crossovers are always risky business, but so far this one is excellent, and I love the concept of Heartseed being related to the Incubators. I look forward to future chapters.
| Art 12/7/12 . chapter 3
Did ya know that Kyouko and Mami were partners as Puella Magi before the start of PMMM? Was the only thing amiss but still like your story very much, that heartseed is interesting indeed.
| Thagguy 12/6/12 . chapter 3
Good, but there is one issue-Mami and Kyoko already know each other in canon. Kyoko was Mami's student, and when her dad went all Psycho Killer, they had a falling out, to put it mildly. It didn't come up in the anime, but it's in lots of the supplementary material- Google (or go to the Madoka wiki's board) for "A Different Story" to find translated scans.
Unless you already knew that and this an AU, in which case never mind me.
| r 12/6/12 . chapter 3
This story is awesome plz update soon
| MahoMusic 11/24/12 . chapter 2
Awesome... Now I really can't wait for new chapters...
| kara 11/24/12 . chapter 2
two of my favorite series combined into one? Im so glad I am blessed enough to read a madoka bodyswapping fic, this is one of my dreams come true!
thank you so much for writing this.