If this is a one-shot, it looks like a extremely rushed one.
I recommend a spell/grammar check.

The different paragraphs: Put another space in between them. Like:
BLAHBLAHBLAH. End Paragraph.

Start new paragraph. BLAHBLAHBLAH...

It's too compact, and it makes it hard to read. I do like the storyline, although I was bothered by the spelling.

AT LAST! AFTER WEEKS OF WAITING SOMEONE WRITES A NEW STORY! this story is extremely impressive, I like how you convey all these different ideas in 250 words. Wow, just wow. Please continue writing it was truly a pleasure to read.