interesting summary of this "story", but I don't see how this chapter relates to the summary you've teased us about, sorry :/

rated T, eh...

never mind but you should probably change that

praise:..., um, good job?

criticism: i'm sensing a pattern here between the original and this

you don't have to, but try to be more original

normally i'd recommend that you stick with the canon, but i'd have no idea either way

grammar issues: i didn't notice any major ones, but they are always there

that's all for today

arrivederci