Okay, here's a list of things you really should work on...

1.) Work on your paragraphing, a new paragraph should start when somebody new starts speaking.

2.) Work on your spelling and grammar, this issue isn't huge, but a spell-check is installed into Microsoft Word. If you don't have this, there are many online spell-checkers that you can copy and paste your work into.

3.) Watch out for possible signs of a Mary-Sue, this may be why your OC wasn't well-liked before, just because a girl has scars and sunken cheek-bones doesn't mean she isn't a Mary-Sue.

4.) Steer away from love at first sight, this is never, ever good as it doesn't really happen in real life and especially not with Derek Jupiter.

All-in-all this is honestly not that bad, it has some minor flaws but who doesn't? If you'd be interested in getting a BETA, feel free to PM me!